Hello, hope I'm doing this right

New to Carers Connect
1

Hello,
I don’t even know where to start, I don’t think I can cope much longer, just typing this is making me cry, . I’m usually very resilient. Ok deep breath.

My Dad has recently gone to live in a care home, due to dementia, which he has had for 8 years, but last year he deteriorated so quickly, it was dreadful. Within 4 weeks he went from being able to live in the family home to not knowing who anyone was or where he was…

So my Mother is now living on her own, which is dreadful for her, she has some physical disabilities, but drives an adapted car and plays bridge weekly at the local club, so cognitively she is great.
Over the last few years as my dad slowly declined, my husband and I have spent more time at my parents. Oh they live an hours drive from me and I work full time.

Since Dad moved, I’ve been going over at least once a week, trying to get finances ect sorted out and support my Mum. I’ve phoned her at least once a day and rallied the neighbours to keep an eye on her.

This is the hard part, which only my husband knows about, my Mum battered me as a child and teenager, I had that many black eyes, my nickname at school was pander. God this is so hard.
I left home as soon as I could due to the situation, so I don’t have the easiest relationship with my Mum.

I really do understand how difficult it is for her to have, 'lost my Dad to dementia '. But she’s being vile to me, screaming at me, throwing things at me, telling he how bad I am, I don’t go over enough, I don’t do enough…
We are a very small family and my sister dies 17 years ago, my Mum said to me this week, the wrong daughter died.

I just don’t know what to do, I’m all she has, and she’s my Mum. I can’t just abandon her, but I can’t take the abuse much more.

2

Every time mum rings you up, record the call and her abuse. Then say “Mum, I’m putting the phone down now. I’m not going to let you abuse me any more”. Then put the phone down. You do NOT have to visit her either. The best thing you can do for tour future is to find a good counsellor to work things through with her. No one can force you to be a carer.

3

This looks like a triple nightmare for you.
Now that you have had the courage to tell us, is there any way you can access some (confidential) counselling - through work, or your GP? Would that help you decide what you want to do/feel you must do for your Mum and how to achieve that while making sue you protect yourself?
In the meantime, does your Mum speak to you the same way if anyone else is listening? If not, is there any way you could take someone with you for a couple of visits? I do feel you need to protect yourself both physically and emotionally.
I’m sorry you have effectively lost your Dad and it sounds as if you are not being given the chance to grieve for him.

4

Hello and welcome!

Step back. Use a diary to record future abuse. Include all details. Has she had a needs assessment or not? Find a counsellor* and arrange for her either to live in a care home or allow some paid for carers to assist her instead. *You can ask your GP about a referral to counselling.

5

I think you need to speak with someone re: your early childhood. As it seems unresolved for you. This might help you manage your mother. Each time she is abusive to you. You go back to being that child. If you has a friend and she told you this story. What would your advice be to her. It’s time to say… I am not that child anymore. I am a powerful and unique individual. Only I have the power to change how I think and feel.

6

If you said that you wanted no more contact with your mum, I would agree with that. No mother should treat a child as you were treated. That is undoubtedly child abuse, a crime. I’m dismayed that y our teachers and dad let you down so terribly.
You CAN simply cut yourself off now, and block her phone number.

7

Does that make it any easier?

8

Maybe you could write to your mother, explaining why you will no longer be seeing her. No holds barred. Block her telephone number, or even change it. You are not duty bound to see her. You could write to her GP explaining, so you can get on with your life, knowing you have informed someone.
You are greiving too. For a childhood you should have had, for your dad who is no longer with you through dementia. He didn’t or couldn’t support you through the abuse you took. Greiving for your sister.
Time to consider yourself, your marriage and retrieve some contentment you truly deserve. Counselling will help.

9

Abuse of this sort is unacceptable. But from what you have told us about your mum, she may well have exalted you above your sister during a row with your sister years ago. When people are rattled, they say all sorts of ridiculous things that they would probably not consider when they are calm. I suggest don’t dwell on this incident too much, but yes, it is unacceptable abuse.

You say you are all that Mum has, but that’s not quite true, is it! As you say, Mum’s neighbour keep an eye open, and she must have friends at the bridge club. You Mum could suggest to friends that they call for a cuppa sometime, and things could develop from there.

You say you can’t just abandon her. Others have given some helpful advice, including the extreme option that you are not under moral obligation to care for anyone and you could just cut her off. I have heard of people cutting off their parents, possibly for less severe reasons than the problems you describe.

But it sounds to me that this is not what you want to do. I think it is noble of you to support your mother in spite of the dreadful past happenings.

So here is a possible way forward. You already visit her once a week and if that is sufficient contact for you, without disrupting your home life, that is just fine. Try to keep that up. But don’t tolerate abuse. If she starts to become abusive, just walk out - even if you have been with her only five minutes. Say, “See you next week.” Don’t threaten never to see her again; if you make threats you don’t keep you will come over as not serious and soon loose control.

Don’t row with her; this will achieve nothing and get you both fired up, doing you no good. Likewise if she is abusive on the phone, hang up, and let her direct her abuse at the messaging service. If she moans about being lonely and asks for you to visit more often, resist this and refer her to her friends.

Basically she is trying to control you in her own clumsy and damaging way. Don’t see walking out of an abusive situation or hanging up the phone as trying to escape from a bad situation. See it as taking control and working towards a more satisfactory lifestyle for everyone concerned.

Good luck and keep in touch.