Hi, all. I’ve read quite a few posts on here before posting this and realise most people are struggling with much tougher situations than me. I’m just 60 but more or less gave up work 4 years ago to help look after my (only child) wife’s parents as she has a very successful career. I don’t mean that to sound like she’s ‘hard nosed and uncaring’, she isn’t at all. We just made the decision that it was best for her to carry on working and for me to start the caring.
Mum-in-law died 3 years ago after a very rapid decline into dementia/Alzheimer’s. She remained very fit and active throughout and didn’t need a lot of physical care but mentally it was quite exhausting, although often quite amusing. She had a wonderful turn of phrase and seemed to know when she was being inappropriately funny! She was a week short of her 96th birthday when she died and apart from the last 6 months had had a long happy life.
Father-in-law is just about to turn 97, still lives in his own bungalow, which is 2 mins drive from us or a 15 minute walk. He and MiL were always very self-sufficient and never needed or ever asked for much help from us, so we’ve been very lucky in that regard. He has increasingly severe mobility/balance issues (vascular Parkinsonism), macular degeneration, is about 60% deaf but no other specific problems other than the kind of whole body degeneration that comes with his age. His mental faculties are good.
And this is the problem. He simply does not believe/understand that getting to 97 comes with limitations that are also irreversible. He gets annoyed with healthcare professionals when they tell him they can’t ‘make him better’. He genuinely believes it’s just a matter of time before ‘the right doctor’ will ‘cure’ him. He is clueless about even basic medical issues but nevertheless thinks they are all ‘rubbish’ and don’t know what they’re doing. In the mean time he refuses help and continues to attempt to do things he doesn’t need to or can’t realistically achieve despite me being there to help.
As a result he falls, cuts himself, spills things all over the place and has bouts of continence issues. He is terrified of going into a care home (he can afford it but is adamant he won’t) and is also terrified of dying. He is determined to cook for himself but his kitchen needs a lot (!) of clearing up afterwards. He seems to be terrified of admitting he needs care at all although it’s quite obvious that he does, and that we provide it for him.
I’m very conscious that most people on this forum have the opposite problem i.e. that the person they care for is perhaps too demanding. The situation I’m in is that FiL needs more care than he’s willing to accept, which in turn creates more problems than are necessary. Instead of being resentful we don’t provide enough care (as is probably the case for many carers) he’s resentful that we’re trying to give him too much! As a result he conceals things from us (or tries to), lies about what’s happening and point blank refuses to take reasonable steps to mitigate the potential dangers to himself. He’s become quite belligerent about some things…
Sorry, I’ve rambled on but would be interested in your views. Just so you know he has all the mobility aids you can think of (2 scooters, 3 push-walkers, a wheelchair and grab handles on every surface I can put them on) but still puts himself in stupid situations or tires himself out gardening when he has a gardener! Help!