A close friend in Australia has written to say she has an aggressive cancer and not long left.
I’m devastated of course, struggling to find the right words.
Can anyone recommend a book, or website to help?
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@bowlingbun ,so sorry to hear this. I would google and look at the images as there few good ones. put in grieving friend the right words, hopeful you will find something.
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@bowlingbun….so sorry to hear this.
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@bowlingbun I’m sorry to hear about your friend’s prognosis. It’s really difficult to know what to say at times like these and the nature of the relationship with the person who is dying and everyone’s experience will be different.
I don’t know if you talk on the phone or do video calls with your friend, obviously these are easy ways to keep in more immediate contact.
The most important thing is that your friend knows you are there for them. Listen to her if she needs to offload. Talk if that’s what she wants to do. Just knowing that her close friend is there for her with compassion and love, will mean more than any ‘right words’.
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@bowlingbun Really sorry to hear this. I have to agree with @EEG just knowing that she has a friend who is there for her and cares is hopefully a comfort? I honestly do not think there are any ‘right’ words. But so often friends avoid the dying person as they are worried about saying the ‘wrong’ thing and this leaves them feeling abandoned and isolated.
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@bowlingbun What you’re going through is perfectly normal - we all worry about finding the right words. Your friend knows you well, and knows your way of talking. Don’t change a thing - it’s what she needs.
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@bowlingbun
I’m so sorry to hear this.
You are a very good listener so I’m sure if you ask if she wants to talk about her illness she will at least know you are there for her. If she doesn’t,perhaps talk of the lovely times you had and how much her friendship has been to you.
Marie Curie may offer advice online.
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Thanks Pet, five Scouters drove a Land Rover to Australia in 1969. One would later be my husband, another became our best man. Another became my friend’s husband, and we all called her mum “Mum”. (Years later she stayed with us. M went to school and told his teacher “Mum lives in Australia”, so I explained we had 3 mums, my mum, husband’s mum, and friend’s mum!). Our Christmas cards were always addressed to/from our “Aussie mum”. When we lived in the mining town 1,000 miles north of Perth, where we all lived, we’d all go out in our car for day trips. Happy days.
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I’ve just had a look at the Marie Curie pages, they have a special section, just what I needed. Thanks.
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@bowlingbun
Pleased it proved to be useful.
Hope you settle tonight
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@bowlingbun sorry to hear that news. My dear friend told me the same some years ago. I was there in person, but it was covid, so it was a bit easier and I would sit at a distance with her, as we were allowed to do then, chatting about our memories. Your memories sound so wonderful I am sure she would love to chat over them with you, a video call can be wonderful to do this. Glad you found some help with Marie Curie
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I’m afraid a video call or phone call would have me sobbing in moments, too much stress of my own right now.
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@bowlingbun understand, sending hugs
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Hi BB - so sorry to read about the news.
I haven’t read this book but it seems to get good reviews - not sure if this would be helpful to you. The Good Death: A Guide for Supporting Your Loved One through the End of Life : O’Brien, Suzanne B.: Amazon.co.uk: Books
At this distance it will be even harder for you, but from what I am others know about you, you will be a great help and comfort to your friend.
From my personal experience, I’ve found the worst thing is to talk “around” the subject so it’s always the Elephant in the Room. It’s not necessary to attack but I find it worse when people pussyfoot around the topic of death. This may not be how you can handle things though. You’ve been through enough bad experiences with your family so a close friend may just add to that. I can quite understand who a phone call or video call would not be right for you. May I suggest just emailing - letting your thoughts and feelings come out in a ‘natural’ way as if you are chatting might be an approach?
When my Dad was dying he was in hospital during 2nd lockdown and my brother informed everyone that NO visitors were allowed I would not accept ‘his rule’. As the closest blood relative, I checked with hospital and they confirmed “no problem”. All I did was chat to him even though he was unconscious - and then read through a series of Catholic Prayers to him. I am convinced he heard as his lips were moving with responses. Just chatting about some silly things helped me and then the prayers, I am sure would have helped him. I managed to save my tears for when I left him, which was difficult, and tried to just talk about everyday things going on.
Best wishes and BIG huggz
C
xx
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Thanks for details of the book.
It may sound trivial but I’ve just started selling off my fabric and pattern stash as my hands are too fragile to do much sewing now. Christine was always keen on patchwork and always had my leftovers when we were all in Australia. Apparently 50 years later they’re still going strong!
To cheer me up my friend in Lincolnshire who I meet up with in Crete is sorting out next year’s holiday. Ideally from our respective local airports.
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Come on - we all no there’s no such thing as something ‘trivial’ for Carers. With everything YOU have dealt with and continue to deal with, my opinion is that you can do very little wrong!
As for the holiday - OK I am jealous. Need anyone to carry your bags? I can get to your local airport you know!!! Oh hang on - if No 1 heard you were meeting some bloke off the internet he’d probably hit the roof and I would NOT want to cross him as I think he could crush me with his little finger… 
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Thank s Chris, I’ve now ordered the book from Amazon, arriving tomorrow.
I usually refer to No.1 as a “big teddy bear” but he’s very protective.
I wish I could prescribe two weeks at the hotel where I stay for everyone on the forum, but they are going upmarket so my carer friend and I are planning to go self catering, just across the road.
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Hi @bowlingbun I’m so sorry
I’ve used the MarieCurie questions too
I also found something called Dignity Therapy by Dr Harvey Max Chochinov - using questions to enable conversations that can engage and help those in palliative care/hospice.
E.g. “Tell me a little about your life history, particularly the parts that you either remember most, or think are the most important. When did you feel most alive?”
There’s been studies showing how these kinds of questions have helped the person who is dying and their families by addressing meaningful topics. Some people did audio recordings while looking at photo albums, and transcribed the audio for the family to keep.
I found the link above with the exact questions so you don’t need to get the book: Dignity Therapy: Final Words for Final Days : Chochinov, Harvey Max: Amazon.co.uk: Books
I hope this offers a different perspective/angle of conversation that can address the obvious but also enable meaningful conversations for you and your friend xoxo
BIG HUGS
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@bowlingbun….hopefully the book Chris recommended will help. It’s not trivial selling off your fabric and pattern stashes, that’s something that’s meant a lot to you and you’re having to accept you can’t do so much of now, on top of the sadness of your close friends situation.
I’m glad that your friend is sorting out a holiday for you next year, that will be something to look forward to, you deserve it.
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