Feeling overwhelmed and worried Mum is going into care

Please has anyone got any knowledge about if you are the close relative ie son or daughter living in the family home

I have seen in many placed that social services must DISREGARD THE PROPERTY in terms of not forcing the sale to pay for the parent’s care. .this is shown in many different places that if the person is age 60 plus and living in the home and can prove they have been there for some time --then it must be disregarded if they are the close relative ie son or daughter…

anyone here please know anything about this? or any organisation that does know about this rule? have any of you been in this situation/

thank you


The rule is in the 2014 Care Act Regulations. The Age UK leaflet is very good at explaining it all.

Are the council being difficult?
Has anyone explained to you that care might be entirely FREE? If the patient requires a lot of care they are covered by NHS Continuing Healthcare, but this is something of a postcode lottery I’m afraid.

If you’d like to tell us more, we might be able to help a bit more.
If, presumably, you have been doing caring for a long time, expect to fall over what I call “The Cliff of Tiredness” once mum is settled in the home. Don’t feel guilty, feel proud of all the love and care you were able to provide, because without you, residential care would have been the only option a long time ago.

Two of our four parents ended up in residential care, as they needed a team of people to care 24/7 in the last year of their life. Not what anyone wants, but often what is needed.

Thank you for replying --I had not realised so many things during the six and half years I have been caring for my mother, she took a sudden decline this year in JULY and it has been a nightmare and i have felt so lonely and so sad, and so dam stressed -

I have not yet had the social Services do the financial check am trying to get my knowledge up before they do!

Mum did not quality for the CHC NATINOAL HEALTH SERVICE funding and yes I have seen that it is hard to obtain.-

I have been trying to find out if they can chuck me out of the home, I read it is a MANDATORY DISREGARD --so I am the daughter age 60 plus and lived here for a very long time and never left!!

so its a terrible shock to be here without dear mum

she now does have dementia and I see that she had been slowly going further into Dementia and then this year a strong dip

I am just not able to deal with the thought of being forced out of my home the rule seems to be solid enough but you never know…

Yes I do feel very tired but that is also the ongoing stress of mum being assessed for a care home and me having to deal with all the assessments etc, and no support --my only sibling is getting off very lightly!!

thanks for your kind words

I hope you are reassured about not being thrown out.
If mum has already had a CHC assessment, and the result was negative, be sure to have this reviewed at intervals, to show how she is declining. Might be worth looking at the “Grogan Case” which relates to dementia.

I know how stressful this all is, and would strongly recommend you arranged some counselling for yourself.
It was life changing for me.

You mention a sibling. Mine made an annual visit, if mum was lucky.
They were fast enough to want their inheritance though!!!

Does mum have much over £23,000 in savings, just Yes/No is fine.
If she is “self funding” then she will still be entitled to Attendance Allowance, which I hope she was claiming?
Did you now that if she was claiming AA with dementia she was classed as EXEMPT from Council Tax?
This is administered by the local council who issue Council Tax bills, and it is very unusual in that it CAN be backdated to the day that the AA was granted. Someone has received over £8,000 according to Martin Lewis!
Is she going to be eligible for “Funded Nursing Care” in the home where she now lives?
Apologies for all the questions, just the easiest way of explaining the system.

When did you last go on holiday?

I read that social services can get the law wrong !! so I am having to consider being prepared to get legal help in case .
I was about to be getting AA, but could not proceed as mum is now going into a care home, she will not be able to fund herself as very low money well below £14.000

no holiday for long time

will remember what you say about further assessments down the line

So NO mum will not be in our home for care she will be in care home

I am afraid I have read too many times now that SOCIAL SERVICES get the law wrong :frowning:

life changing not in a good way at all, I just hope i can survive this its truly dreadful


Yes, it’s all awful, but we all know that one day our parents won’t be with us any more.
I know that you will be completely exhausted if mum’s care needs have become more than one person can manage.

Where are you with the process, is mum still with you?
Has she now moved into a home?

There is a “tumble dryer full of emotions” at times like this.
The best way to deal with things is on a one job at a time basis.
Here’s how I approached things after my husband died, with no warning, at 58. Again when mum moved into residential care.

I found a lever arch file, lots of plastic sleeves, and some dividers.
I put all the papers relating to one topic in the same sleeve, e.g. gas, electric, insurance, etc etc.
Then I put them in the file in order of importance.
It was a mountain of work, so I decided that I would deal with ONE thing a day, two at most.
For each subject, I would write down who I spoke to, date, time, what was agreed.

As far as Social Services are concerned, do NOT have long conversations.
Insist that they email everything so they can’t deny things later. In your case, say that you need it in writing so you can keep your sibling informed.

Then decide at what time of the day you are going to stop worrying about mum and start taking care of yourself.
Are you eating OK?
Be sure to go out for a stroll every day, to help body and mind.

You WILL survive this.
Somehow I’ve survived the loss of my mum, dad, brother, and husband.
I’ve survived cancer, I’ve survived a head on smash that left me disabled, but now well again after knee replacements.

Start another folder looking at what you would like to do in future, what you’ve missed out on, where to go etc.
I found a book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff really helpful.
Primarily designed for divorcees, but very relevant for anyone at a crossroads in life.
It focuses on the reader alone, as I married at 19, I’d never even lived alone!

I was keen to do the “right thing” but it took ages working out exactly what that was!!!

Avoid making any big lifechanging decisions for at least a year.

Hello Ms. Anne

So sorry to hear about your mothers dementia and going into a home, as you say the house will be so empty without her.

Take comfort from all the care you have given her and she will be where she needs to be with a team to give her the care that she needs, you still love her and care about her, that has not changed. The thing that has changed is your mothers condition requiring more than just you to care for her.

I hope you are looking at dementia websites too for information and support in their forums too for the dementia itself and things like music therapy to see if you can use music with her to connect.

Your life is waiting for you, it’s been on hold as you have cared for your mum and it will be there when you are ready to start it again.

Be kind to yourself.

Hope the person that replied gets to see this

Your advice is very sound and also I am sorry you have b een though so much I am taking your advice to get everything in writing as have discussed legal help if needed to my brother, he is beginning to realise now its getting real

Mum is in a temporary placement

I got the official letter to day mum cannot get the CHC funding wh ich is correct as she is not end of life situation – medical signs good compared to many but dementia is ongoing and will only increase I cannot think ahead as one day at a time I am having to stop my all over the place WHAT IFS…yes mum is going to pass at some point I obviously don’t even want to go there now, its like a halway house situation now

I am changing over DIRECT DEBITS and her finances thank god are actually very simple --however it is the home that I am concerned about even now --and wanting them to find mum a home close enough --if I cannot see her often enough for sure she will go down faster, however also my own health has to be looked after as I realise now I do have to look out for me more as I hopefully have some time ahead

I have no idea of what I want to do its like ALL NUMBER so its best not to try and think I am just not ready yet

So mum is not here at home now-it is very quiet and neighbours seemingly have distanced themselves not all, but it is quite sad how people can be

I think you have done well considering why you have had to deal with and I am sure that goes for everyone on this forum too. thank you for your input. for sure I have to now keep all the data dealing with social services very safe.

Do you know any pitfall s I need to look for in when mum has been found a placement, I beleive you have to sign a contract with the care home? I don’t want to sign anything that says I have to pay fees other than obvious ones like sundries and hair dresser foot care etc.


As Social Services will be funding mum’s care, the paperwork should be quite straightforward.
Talk to them, not the home about finances. They should do a formal financial assessment, telling you exatly what they need information about.
This would be a good time to bring together all mum’s financial information into a ring binder, with either dividers or polythene sleeves for each subject.
They will take all mum’s pension apart from about £25 a week for personal expenses.

Talk to our Carers UK helpline about what you can claim for yourself.