I’ll have to be careful to avoid wandering into a full on rant.
How do I protect Mum from my Ghost Sister [GS]? GS’s 3 sons are largely the reason Mum didn’t want her on the POA. The youngest is a real shyster. He hasn’t seen Mum for 5 years, didn’t bother to invite her to his wedding, didn’t invite her to his first born’s christening and although said child is now 2 he has never taken her to meet her Great Grandmother. Mum is very family oriented and this devastated her.
After 5 years of silence he’s suddenly developed concern for his Nan’s welfare and this is being promoted by his wretched mother. They can’t do anything without my getting in the way as I have Mum’s cards, cheque book etc. [Aged about 7 the middle son was persuaded by his mother to trot up to Mum and ask her if he could have his flat when she died!]
I have no idea what’s in Mum’s will which she made about 10 years ago before dementia moved in but I am worried that I’ll get them battering my door down and my GS is oblivious to the way proprieties. She only thinks about what’s in it for her.
We are only at the start of this journey but already the vultures are circling. I feel like I’m under attack from all sides at the moment. The hospital aren’t doing much to help Mum recover, I’m worried sick GS will do another of her spectacular bolts when she realises how much work it is caring for someone with dementia leaving me to cope alone and now my horrible nephews are crawling out of the woodwork professing undying concern for someone they’ve ignored for years but who might just leave them cash.
How do I cope with avaricious and shameless relatives?
I could have written that post about my nephews and nieces a few years ago.
The good thing is that mum gave me control of her money, it was all in a shared account that automatically became mine on her death, so legally there was not estate to administer. I gave my brother his share, he never visited, mum changed her will to reflect the care I gave. He wasn’t happen with what I gave him, and sent me a solicitors letter. My solicitor told him to get lost.
I haven’t had even a Christmas card since. My other brothers children have both left home, I don’t have their addresses. I wasn’t invited to the christening of one of them, the wedding of the other one. They both live less than 6 miles away according to my eldest son.
Vultures may circle but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are going to end up with anything!
For well over 40 years, my home was where all family celebrations were held, they were all glad to take advantage of my hospitality, but it was never returned, so sod the lot of them!
You have so much support here, its a regular theme.
My Sister left me and my Mum to rot, we were dying until Mum finally fell and got taken away. At this point, I fell into a dark place…I had no help.
Now I have Mum back living with me, we are happy, supported by carers. We have never been happier, seeing Mum watching Cinderella just put a smile on my face. My Sister visited and it always comes down to money with her. I just smile and lie to her about Mums finances… She walked out on me when I was crying and begging for help…
Stephen, I full of respect for the care you give mum.
Keep lying to your sister about mum’s finances!
As mum has dementia she lacks the mental capacity to give your sister any money. Might be worth telling your sister this?!?!
I’m really grateful for your support. It’s sadly reassuring that others have been and are going through the same thing.
They won’t get their hands on Mum’s money. Every penny belongs to her and is for her care, I’m focused on that. I’ve already made a point of telling her that she will need to provide receipts for anything she buys for mum and wants refunding. She won’t find that easy to swallow.
I’m rapidly in danger of losing it with GS and finally telling her what I think of her. The fall out will be irreparable.
Mum told me today that GS mentioned that she might be going on holiday in the next week or so [holiday from what, the lazy madam has never worked a day in her life]. GS had mentioned something very vaguely to me a few days ago but in the vein of cancelling it. She always manages to make things someone else’s problem and she, just a helpless victim of someone else’s wishes. I can already hear the conversation as it’s the same one we’ve heard a million times ‘he wants to go, what can I do?’ If she does go I will not be able to restrain myself.
Sooner or later they are going to discharge Mum from hospital and I can see me struggling on my own.
She rang me tonight, blethering on. The nurse at the hospital told her Mum was eating well - she is when someone’s there coaxing her to eat - but according to GS they’ve put a sign over her bed saying she needs help. Well that’s all right then. Of course when I’m there the tray’s plonked down and left. At the moment she can’t cut food so it sits there going cold.
GS reckons the nurse, the fount of all knowledge, told her that Mum hadn’t had visits from the Alzheimer’s nurse - she has, 3 along with a visit to the ‘event’s manager’ at the local memory clinic over the last six months but GS wouldn’t know that because she’s not bothered and thinks visiting once every six weeks is enough. If she were a more diligent visitor she would actually know these things.
GS does at least visit Mum every day for about an hour. Despite this she didn’t know that for the last 4 days they’ve been concerned hugely over Mum’s blood pressure so much so that they have started using a wheelchair to the loo etc rather than trusting her wobbly legs. Today apparently, Nurse Chatty briefly mentioned her blood pressure and GS now knows all about it.
We’ve been starting to put together some of the things Mum’s going to need like a key box for her carers which I have organised and I’m sourcing a lifeline service. GS was given chair risers and a shower chair to arrange and I believe the Normandy Landings required less fuss. I took her to Mum’s on Saturday and she was faffing about taking measurements and still keeps mithering about what I think she should get. Heaven forbid she should actually make some effort herself and google it or something. As for the shower chair, her second hand one will do apparently, I suspect because sourcing one would put her out. Who would want a second hand shower chair that everyone in her family has sat their spotty bots on? I almost gave in and said I would do it but I bit my lip and stood firm. She has to put in the same effort or Mum will never get home. I can’t do it all.
Mum also said that GS is actually still thinking of going away [again] in a couple of weeks and I know what her game will be. She’ll keep on about ‘not wanting to go but The Boyfriend wants to go’ as if she is incapable of telling him that her family need her to be front and centre until one of us gets thoroughly exasperated and gives in.
If it requires the smallest effort on her part she wants to give it up to someone else and she’ll be quite happy to trot off on her jolly without the smallest concern for what she’s left behind or how we’ll manage.
I am so sorry for the rant. I’m running on empty at the moment.
I think the important question to ask your family, GS in particular. If Mum does come home, how much time are they going to spend with her, will the Sister be taking her on day trips and the money thralled Grandson the same.
Or will they all just disappear leaving you with the burden, until Mum next goes into hospital before circling round again.
In my situation my Dad passed away leaving no Will, meaning everything was left to my Mum who suffers from Vascular Dementia. I instantly accepted I would have no inheritance and care for my Mum…
My Sister on the other hand has made our life a misery, trying to claim money from Dads estate, trying to stop Mum from going to restaurants and enjoying herself. Visiting Mum in her nursing home and asking for over £20,000, texting me saying Mum had agreed to give her the money, only for Mum to appear in complete shock when I asked if it was true.
Now going on about Court of Protection as she thinks some debts will be paid of that way… Family suck…I always say, its Mum and I versus the World…
All aids required must be provided by the NHS before discharge, so no one needs to buy one. In fact it’s really important that an Occupational Therapist arranges aids to ensure that they are appropriate.
It’s horrendous isn’t it? I don’t know how long GS is spending at the hospital - not long I suspect. I’ve got to the point where I’m biting my lip so hard it almost bleeds. The latest is GS continually chelping about her ‘holidays’ (dunno from what, she’s not worked a day in her life). I vaguely remember her muttering something when we were waiting with Mum in A&E about having to cancel but I assumed it was a done deal. Now I understand she’s trying one of her usual tricks, looking for permission to go. ‘He wants to go, I don’t really want to go, but he wants to’ over and over. She’s hoping Mum will tell her she should go just to shut her up. Any sort of person would tell the partner that her Mum’s ill and she’s needed at home but that isn’t how GS works unfortunately. She blames someone else for wanting something so she can’t possibly be held accountable. It’s never her fault and GS familiar wail of ‘what can I do?’ will ring out and I’ll end up dealing with everything as per.
I shall certainly make a point of having a family meeting to establish who is going to do what. I’d do anything for Mum but there are the two of us and three adult grandsons and out of all of us I’m the only one working but because I’m the ‘spinster’ daughter it seems to be assumed that I have no other calls on my time, no social life or other existence that can’t be abandoned.
I fear WORDS may be spoken before long and these will be ones that can’t be taken back.
Incidentally I was surprised myself when GS said that she’d been told to source a shower chair and what not. I thought it was more likely that the hospital would provide it. Typical of GS that she’d mess up the one message she had to carry. They probably told her that Mum would need one rather than us having to provide it ourselves.
Court of protection won’t help with debts! They accept the fact that the guardian is doing their best to sort out the debts. If not satisfied they will take over finance’s. I chipped away at hubby’s to their satisfaction. If they thought I was overspending they would have questioned. Your sister is living in fantasy land. As you know, court of protection isn’t a easy way out.
Thanks Pet, I do realise this, it is more complicated as my Sisters debt is against our home. An agreement we all made in good faith when my Dad was still alive, my sister personally promised me nothing could go wrong, insurance bleh etc…
Stupid move by me and poor Mum had no choice due to Dads POA. Since Dad passed away as the debt is in all of our names she won’t stop until it is paid of by Mum, she even stooped so low as to text me saying a Mortgage advisor wanted to talk to me.
She received £45,000 to put a deposit on her house, putting our family home at risk in the process. Mum and I received nothing, yet she keeps claiming it is “OUR” debt… To be honest, I don’t know how she lives with herself…
Sorry, I didn’t mean to take over this post from the OP, but it is yet another warning about how low family will stoop for money…
The other shoe has just dropped. My blasted GS just rang me to tell me she and her partner were naffing off. They must have known for a few days that they were still going which is bad enough but that they left it so late to tell me. God knows what we would have done if Mum had been home already. I would have been thoroughly landed. I wondered why she kept asking the nurses what was happening and now I know. They’ve decided that Mum won’t be going straight home and they are moving her to inpatient rehab which is a bl**dy good thing because I would never have coped. I wouldn’t have been able to get leave - they are going tomorrow so that would have left me sod all opportunity to make other arrangements.
To same I’m livid is an understatement. I am absolutely incandescent. WORDS were exchanged I can tell you. If she’d had a Caribbean cruise booked months ago I would have been more understanding but they only decided this a short while ago and all i heard was her belly aching about losing some money on the room. This from a woman who blithely wafts around a 4K watch and merrily tells anyone who’ll listen that she has four at home and her partner at least 20 as an investment.
This is the final straw. She’s done this kind of thing to me before and this is absolutely the final time.
You aren’t wrong there. I struggle as it is with working, Mum and the animals. I’m in and out like a fiddler’s elbow and she does damn all. Sadly I’m not even surprised anymore, just disappointed. After our phone row she text me to tell me something she was supposed to order for Mum would be arriving next week. I was tempted to text her and ask if she wanted a standing ovation or would a simple round of applause suffice but I restrained myself.
Don’t worry about giving vent. It sounds as if you are ‘blessed’ with a monster sister like mine. You do wonder if they see the same person as us when they look in the mirror. GS wants us to validate her behaviour by pestering Mum to agree that of course they can’t waste the money they’d lose. Silly me, I thought you didn’t pay for hotels etc until you’d used them. They might lose a deposit of course but surely that can’t be a fortune.
I lost it with GS big time last night. I told her that I’d got up at 6am, fed and sorted the animals before getting in to work at 8:30 facing 8 hours of slog popping up to see Mum for 15 mins at lunchtime [fortunately I work in the hospital where Mum is] then 3 hours with her after work before tottering home to sort out the animals including cleaning a 90l fish tank and finally put on a hot meal about 8:45. She picked the wrong day to expect me to agree that she just MUST have her 6th holiday of the year despite her never working a day in her life and lolling about on benefits the entire time. (I’m not having a go at benefits at all - used to work at our local benefits office so I know what hardship people suffer - but GS has such a massively inflated sense of her own entitlement).
Why do spend so much time and energy in your waste of space sister? Put answer phone on, block her calls and let go of any ideas of her helping. You are the important one, sort help for you and for Mum as your priority. Your reward will come. Karma rules.
P.S. my sis is known as the PDDQ Prima Donna Drama Queen or WWW wicked witch of the west