Following on from my post “Husband can’t come home from hospital”, that is still the case and he’s been in and out of hospital (and rehab and, for a short time, a temporary placement). He was readmitted to hospital around 4 or 5 weeks ago with another infection and since then he’s been through the mill with a variety of problems. However, he’s now been pronounced medically fit for discharge, but is refusing to go anywhere else. In fact, it seems he’s refusing to allow them to refer him to Social Services at all - which is strange, because he keeps complaining that SS haven’t been to see him yet. Anyway, because of this, the hospital have said that they will have to start the eviction process in order to free up his bed. Does anyone have any experience of this process and any suggestions as to what I can do, please?
Yes, I read about this case and we’re in the same region as the James Paget, although not, I think, the same CCG. Still, we’d come under the same Social Services.
We’ve heard nothing about eviction since that first meeting with the Discharge Matron. I spoke to the Ward Sister on Friday and she said we’re all in a difficult situation at the moment and they’re trying to find a way forward. She told me not to worry, as they wouldn’t just dump him on the doorstep. I asked about a mental capacity assessment, but she said he does have mental capacity at the moment, although he’s clearly not accepting and understanding his own situation and care needs.
I’ve been to see him today, but I’m afraid I walked out after about 15 minutes. He said we it was time we had a serious talk, then proceeded to tell me that he was coming home, probably one day this week. I asked him if they’d come up with a solution to getting him into the house and he said no. Then I asked him if he’d thought about how we would manage when he came home and again he said no. I told him I wouldn’t be able to get him out of bed to get him to the toilet and he said he didn’t expect me to; he’d be able to do it on his own two feet (even though he can’t even stand without the help of two people). Then he started on about how I don’t want him home and would rather he went into a home, but it was when he told me that I and the “kids” were selfish that I saw red, told him I wasn’t going to stay and listen as I couldn’t put up with any more and left.
I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. My sister has been hospitalised this week with end-stage cancer (different hospital from my husband, with more stringent visiting rues, so I can’t go to see her). It’s all happened very quickly, although we think she’s been hiding it for some time, and she doesn’t want to have treatment - it seems it’s probably too far advanced anyway. All this on top of his obstinacy and lack of understanding and acceptance of his care needs just seems too much to cope with.
Sorry, this has turned into a very different post from what I started!
I’m very sorry to hear about your sister, on top of the problems with your husband. They cannot send him home unless they have found solutions to all the problems you have outlined. From what you have said they are insoluble. Do you have a Care Act Advocate. If not, ask Social Services to arrange one for you asap!
Insist on being allocated a “2014 Care Act Advocate” asap, due to your husband’s pending hospital eviction.
Stress the urgency.
You need someone on your side.
After several instances when social workers said one thing and did another, I told Hampshire I would not attend any further meetings without one.
An advocate was soon allocated.
If they say husband can have one, you can’t, it’s rubbish.
Thanks again, bowlingbun. Having spent most of the night awake and in tears, I have achieved precisely nothing today. Everything is piling up, so much needs to be sorted out and disposed of, the house is a pigsty, my business is suffering and I just don’t seem to be able to do anything.
Take 2 hours off and go for a walk, without your phone, tomorrow. Everyone will have to manage without you tomorrow. The world has to manage without you for one day. Load the washing machine up, Clear a space to work, and do some decluttering in your bedroom. Have something decent to eat, have a bath and hairwash, and go to bed. Honestly, I can’t see your husband moving back into your home ever. Can you? It’s just not practical. You are in charge now, but it will take a long time for you to absorb this and recover from recent events. Start your new life by controlling your phone. If people want to contact you, ask them to email you instead. You open their messages when you want. Then you can work, walk, and rest. If possible, get someone else to do a “deep clean” to get a couple of rooms to your liking.
Baby steps as far as sorting. It takes time but honestly it comes together eventually. As BB says you need time, just for you,. It’s a must, so you can gain strength to cope emotionally. I remember BB saying some days the world has to cope without us. Definitely true!
It’s OK at times to sit staring into space, immobile, doing nothing.
That’s a sure sign of brain overload and utter exhaustion, so allow yourself to do this at times.
When did you last have a proper break?
When I had counselling, the counsellor helped me to set my priorities, with 2 carees competing for my time.
My son had to come before mum as he couldn’t speak up for himself, mum could.
I too was working from home. When my husband died I inherited 30 tons of vintage lorry spares which were worthless if sold in bulk, but valuable if I sold them to owners as they needed them. I lived off them for 10 years.
As you won’t be eligible for your pension for 10 years or more, some form of income in the future is important.
Can you prioritise the most profitable parts of your business for a few weeks?
I suspect he is still hoping to come home, even though that isn’t practical or possible. I think you just have to let the hospital deal with it. I agree an advocate for yourself is a good idea, to take some of the pressure of you. All of this going on in the background will be sapping your energy.
I have achieved precisely nothing today. Everything is piling up, so much needs to be sorted out and disposed of, the house is a pigsty, my business is suffering and I just don’t seem to be able to do anything.
Oh yes, I know this feeling. It means you need to give yourself a guilt free day off to doze, read, watch TV or whatever and rest. Then going forward you need to have plans to get out of the house each day because all the time you are in it, you can see what needs doing. Could you arrange to meet a friend for a walk and coffee each week, find a swimming or gym slot that suits you on a particular day etc
My most productive days are the ones I have a set time to get things done and a routine as a routine relieves some of the brain pressure. The hardest part is getting started.
I’m currently decluttering too I love the Dana White “Decluttering at the Speed of Light” approach - as its more realistic for me and her method means I don’t get into a worse mess. Since the start of the school holiday and until S broke up on on Friday, I have been aiming to get rid of one box of stuff to the charity box each weekday and one black sack of rubbish. Some days are easier than others - depending on how emotionally drained/buoyant I’m feeling. The days where I have had walk, coffee and talk with a friend in the morning have often led to my more productive afternoons.
My other tip is to tackle the most difficult task first - as that can be the one making it feel impossible to do anything!