My mum had a fall and broke her hip in September. She is now back home with a carer in the morning. I have agreed to help with her finances but not her care needs as whilst I live locally we do not get on. The hospital team assessed her as not in need of full time care and she refuses to consider it which I know is her right.
I think she has very mild dementia but at present accept she is OK in her own home. I have talked about going into care at some stage but she refuses to discuss it. If she asks me to help sort out a care home I would do that but I will not take on her care myself. It may sound hard but given our poor relationship I have no problem saying no.
My question is if she deteriorates and refuses to seek help (she will happily lie to her carers and GP) at what point will someone step in and who ?
For her wishes to be overridden it would need to be either for safeguarding or because she was assessed to no longer have mental capacity - and a best interests meeting would ultimately decide whether she needed to move into residential care.
You MUST NOT pay anything towards her care!
Whatever she needs, she must pay herself. If she can’t afford it, then Social Services will pay for some or all of it, after a Needs Assessment and Financial Assessment.
Did anyone mention to you that she was entitled to six weeks entirely FREE care after discharge?
How many things does she need help with?
If she has dementia, the door is closing on her ability to give you Power of Attorney, unless you have it already?
Who is managing her money at the moment?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings?
Given your difficult relationship, do you even know what her financial situation is? (You are not the only one here to have a difficult relationship with a parent by the way).
Have you thought about claiming Attendance Allowance for her?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Thanks for the replies. It is just me no other relatives and I have applied for finincial power of attorney which should be grantted shortly. Mum does have more than 23k in savings , I am not sure how much though and can’t ask until until I get PoA. To be fair she is not expecting me to pay for her. The council contacted me last week about the attendance allowance
Because of covid I was not allowed to visit and was told nothing by the social worker or occupational therapist at the hospital. An OT assessed her house but that is all I know, I don’t even know who arranged the care package, they discussed it with mum but not me. Mum is ok for me to be involved with her finances but she insists on making her own care decisions and I will only have financial PoA not health and welfare which I am OK with.
Does someone continue to evaluate her care needs and if so who is it, Social services? If she gets worse how does one raise a safeguarding issue? Do the carers do it or is it up to me? Thanks to covid I am in the dark. If I had been able yo visit eehen she was in the rehab centre I am sure someone would have explained it to me.
Jo,
In theory social care should review her care needs, however often it is the care agency that alert social care that a person’s needs are increasing.
Normally I’d suggest mum’s doctor referred her to to the Memory Clinic for a diagnosis, not an option at the moment. If she has dementia, she would probably be entitled to Attendance Allowance. Is she now fully mobile? How much are carers doing for her? Is her home disabled friendly?
In reality, in these cash-stricken times, it is very often the relatives who have to scream for additional care. The carers are too busy to flag these issues frequently. Mum has the right to decline all support (and live with those consequences) while she has mental capacity. A medical professional would have to determine that she no longer has capacity. I fought with the doctors on my mum’s behalf as they insisted she had capacity long after the time when she clearly did not.
The harsh reality is that the care package only increases if you scream loudly enough or if there is a crisis, hospitalisation etc.
Proving that someone doesn’t have capacity can be a problem.
Keeping a daily diary of unusual behaviour can help.
I had a lovely sister in law, never a cross word between us.
Her mum and grandmother both had dementia, her biggest fear was that one day she would have it too.
Sadly, in her mid 60’s, I began to see warning signs, identical to those I saw in her mum.
She was driving a car, but couldn’t remember where the vets was in the town where she worked, and had to get her daughter to show her. One day, she was preparing a meal for us, and taking longer than usual (she used to be organised). I went to see if I could help, and saw her make a fluttery hand movement, just like her mum. My heart sank. It took 3 visits to the doctor before dementia was confirmed, and after she kept going out and getting lost, she moved into residential care before dying at 73 of a stroke.
You will know more than anyone else what is different behaviour for your mum.
Sadly I suspect there will be some sort of crisis. It frustrates me that this could be avoided if mum were to take the decision herself to move. I have made it very clear that if she wants to stay were she that is her decision but I will not help out with her care. I too can be bloody minded I get it from her!