Dad with Alzheimers

Hi guys sorry if this is in the incorrect place.

I just wanted to see if anyone has any advice or are able to help in any way. It just seems at the moment I am taking hit after hit. Previously (I am not sure if anyone can see my previous posts ) I was having issues whereby my gran( who had been living with me for 20 years) had lost her mobility and was becoming really ill and was trying to get her into residential care for her wellbeing ( I wont go into detail but posts are there if anyone would like to review).

Anyway as an update to that my gran was rushed into hospital on 2nd January 2020 and sadly passed away on the 3rd (miss her soo much!!!). On the same day (2nd January ) my dad received his diagnosis of Alzheimer’s ( which we now know is at the very latter stages) due to his symptoms and behaviour.

Anyway long story short dad is still living with mum at the moment but they are seriously not getting on at all. My dad is calling me practically every hour(even though he doesn’t know who I am I must obviously be the voice of reason or calm to him) as he is upset or agitated. there have been a number of shouting and arguing matches between my mum and my dad and I think my mum is really struggling to deal with his symptoms and behaviour. I just now feel that it is all passing to me again as I seem to be the only person at the minute that my mum and dad turn to to speak to or get help from.

It just feels like I am heading down the same route as before with my gran in the fact that it will all fall to be again and my family (husband and daughter) and now going to lose me again to caring for basically both my parents. I feel like I am already grieving the loss of my dad as he is definitely “not there” anymore and doesn’t recognise me or my family. It is an awful disease it really is !!!

Sorry know I am probably harping on but just after some one to talk to myself I suppose as feel I am now drowning in the same responsibilities as the first time with my gran !!!

Hope someone can relate !!! thank you in advance of your responses !!! :slight_smile:

Since your parents apparently opted out of caring for their own parents, I suggest you do the same too.

You know what they need, after spending so much of your life caring for their parent, you shouldn’t do any more. Help them get the care they need, but don’t do any of the caring yourself. Honestly, they don’t deserve it.

So sorry to hear about your Gran. I hope you are managing to grieve.

You need to be firm. Your husband and daughter deserve you back. You deserve not to do this again.

You don’t have to do the caring. Get a needs assessment from the local authority for Dad so they get the help they need provided by someone else not you.

Calling you every hour is not acceptable. I know it probably isn’t his fault, but just don’t answer, I suspect if he can’t get through to you he will eventually get out of the habit.

Sorry things are so tough again.

I found an answerphone was the only answer to phone calls from mum constantly interrupting me when I was working.
Sometimes I would end up working until 1am to meet a printing deadline (I wrote a magazine) if I’d spent too long sorting out things for mum and my son with LD during the day.

Mum had no idea what self employment meant. She hadn’t worked since 1948. Dad was a civil servant, she had a wondeful pension.

Hi there sorry there is nothing I can do to magic this away or make it better. All I can do is say I know exactly what you are going through and how inadequate sad and utterly lost it can make you feel. My Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers just over 2 years ago. He’s 85 and lives with my mum who is 80 and physically frail herself. He’s deteriorating rapidly of late and had a fall resulting in a fractured pelvis. Through the subsequent investigations we found out last week he also has aggressive bone cancer from a primary tumour elsewhere. Hospital still discharged him into my mums care and over a week later after many battles with social care we’ve got him into an emergency care setting. He’s failing fast but they’ve told us care is only emergency for a couple of weeks! Like you he’s calling me but there’s no reasoning and he’s becoming increasingly aggressive. Just hoping Macmillan can help us access the appropriate care for him. It’s draining physically and emotionally and no one seems to have the answer. My partner talks about work and seemingly trivial stuff like reading the meter… I just inwardly sigh and think I hope you never have to go through this. I just want care and dignity for my Dad and help for my mum it’s not a lot to ask is it?
Like I said no advice or answers but if you want to vent or talk… it would help me too.

Do you know what your Mum wants. Would she be helpful and go along. If your Dad was to be moved from the family home.
If you Mum agreed would she be able to cope independently. Or would she still need help.

What is the default button that Dad starts to call you. Although you say your voice appears to calm him. Perhaps your Mum encourages him as she perhaps needs help. To contain what ever is happening at the time. Is there easy access to the phone for Dad to keep calling you.

Hi MI55EEL. Dad should be entitled to NHS ContinuingHealthcare. Google this and tell the doctor asap to arrange the FAST TRACK version.

there is information on CHC here

Fast Track funding is not only for end of life :

Many families are wrongly told that NHS Continuing Healthcare funding is only available for people who are at the end of their life. Not only is this incorrect, it often means that elderly people with significant health needs are wrongly denied the free NHS care they are entitled to in law.