Dad doesn't remember me

Hi all, new to the forum!
Hope this is the right place to post.
Will add some back ground in.
So my dad has dementia and its been getting progressively worse.
My mum has been in and out of hospital and we believe it is now long term and things aren’t looking good. She was always his support system and did pretty much everything for him other than when I was there. (Which is about 2-3 days a week)
They both are still at home and now I’m worried about him being in the house himself. We had an incident today where he got very scared and didn’t recognise me, wouldn’t let me in the house or near him even when trying to show him pictures and memories and such which has helped in the past. I’m worried about tomorrow as I’m going back to the house and need to take him to see my mum in Hosp (he would try to go on his own if I didn’t take him. Any help on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated! Thanks x

Nicole, it’s a very sad situation.

You should now look at what he NEEDS, which will soon be 24/7 care for his own safety. Either in his own home, or residential care.

There are a variety of options. What is the best option depends on
Whether he owns or rents the home where he lives?
Does he have over £23,000 in savings (Yes/No)
Do you have Power of Attorney?

Have you asked Social Services to do a Needs Assessment for him, and a Carers Assessment for you?
Is he claiming Attendance Allowance?
Is he claiming exemption from Council Tax due to Severe Mental Impairment? Note: This should be BACKDATED to the day of diagnosis.

Hi Nicole
Welcome to the forum. It sounds like it’s time to get more support for your mother especially on days when you are not there. Has your dad had a Needs Assessment and your mother a separate Carers Assessment. If your dad is forgetting who you are it can be very hurtful but remember it is not personal just the disease damaging the brain. I went on a course that explained the memory loss comparing it to a filing cabinet or bookcase with all the recent memories on the top shelf and the early childhood memories buried right at the bottom. As the disease progresses the cabinet gets shaken more and more so things keep flying off the top of the pile and recent memories are lost. Later on the middle years are lost until all that is left is the childhood memories.
When I cared for Dad he ended up thinking I was his wife and then his mother as he moved back in time. He had lived in this house for 60 years and yet he didn’t recognise it and was asking to go home- to his only other childhood home.
Have you heard of the Alzheimers Society’s forum called Talking point- they specialise in dementia and discuss all types of dementia. They also do an enormous quantity of dowloads or advice sheets on every aspect of dementia

Hi Nicole
You need to contact Social Services and explain that Dad needs emergency help as his carer is in hospital and wont ve able to care any more. They will try at first to bring paid carers into tge home, byt with his level of dementia that will only get worse he really needs residential care.
Mum and you have done well to get him this far, but it needs more than that now.
Be prepared to fight for what he needs


Nicole, there are many of us here, who for various reasons have realised that no matter how much we want to care for our loved ones, it is just not possible.

However much we don’t like it, old age comes at a price, and the longer we live, the more likely we are to develop dementia, so please don’t feel guilty about this, because you were not in any way responsible for the illness.

Your role is now changing to that of care organiser for the future. Making sure that everyone has what they need, rather than providing all the hands on care they need.

You might find it helpful to have some counselling, I found it helped to be able to say how I was feeling without being judged, and I was supported through mum’s last illness. That was 3 years ago now, but from time to time I still see my counsellor when I’m feeling really stressed (my son has severe learning difficulties).

There is no “one size fits all” about caring. We all have different demands on us, are in different situations. Only you can make the decisions now. It’s a very difficult time of your life, so please don’t be hard on yourself. Your own wellbeing is important too.