Hello,
This is a long story but Im at my wits end. Three years ago whilst tipsy at Christmas dinner I told my dad that he could live with us when things got too much for him. He was 84 at the time but still completely able to fend for himself. I thought he would forget it but he didnt. I said he could move in eventually giving no firm arrangement, but he gave two months notice on his flat and bothered me at the shop I work at every day until he was in.
To be honest I was slightly thankful as my rent takes up two thirds of my wages and I was struggling to keep afloat financially.
However I soon realised it was a mistake. We live in a two up two down terrace, I rent and am the only name on the tenancy. I actually dont think he can legally live here, I only found that out lately and so thats another stress factor.
He has the front room as his bedroom, I have a room upstairs with my partner, and my youngest daughter who is 22 has the other room. She suffers with severe depression, unable to get out of bed most days, cannot work and refuses therapy, saying she cant face it, and doesnt even claim benefits, so she is totally dependent on me. Ive tried to get her to therapy so many times, she just cancels the appointments. She takes anti depressants and thats all. She has therapy about the age of 12, when her depression began, but refused to talk to the councillors and it fizzled out. She said it made it her worse and she felt lime a guinea pig as they kept trying different meds on her.
My father has completely taken over downstairs. The whole dynamic has changed and we feel completely uncomfortable around him. Friends no longer visit and my eldest daughter who lives in a different town says it doesnt feel like home anymore and doesnt like to come back very much.
All the furniture is his, he made such a fuss I gave in and let him swap mine, probably the first mistake apart from having him there at all.
He never, ever, ever, goes out. He is always there, sat in the living room, which we must go through to access the kitchen and bathroom. If we put the tv he complains and moans, we ignore him but in the end we give up and go back upstairs.
If I cook he is hovering about complaining that I should do it this way or that way, or decides he wants to cook at the same time and wont wait. I have told him time and time again that its a small house and its too claustrophobic for him not to allow others space, but it doesnt register.
He also used to go into our rooms when we were out, this made me really angry and he couldnt or wouldnt see why, his reasoning being that he woukdnt mind if we went into his.
After two years of this hiding upstairs and waiting until he was asleep to do housework or just stretch my legs, I was rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack whilst at work. The diagnosis was myocarditis probably from a virus although I dont recall being ill. I think it was stress and I now have high blood pressure.
Last week I found my daughter in tears, and I asked if lockdown was making her feel worse than normal. She said it wasnt that, but that Grandad had been staring at her tits and making her feel spooked. She told me that he had always been inappropriate and used to make remarks whilst she was developing and passing it off as “joking”. This freaked me out. I asked her if there was anything else and she said no. I wanted to have it out with him, but she begged me not to because of there being no way of avoiding him and she felt too embarrased etc , which I can understand, but dont think its a good idea. I spoke to my elder daughter online and she said he used to be like that round her and is spooky. I never saw him much growing up, my parents split up when I was about 7 and I only saw him christmas and birthdays until I became a mum.
A couple of days ago found daughter in a state again, and yhis time she said she has hazy memories of him showing her porn on his computer when she was little and showing her his penis when he was in the toilet. This triggered out of nowhere a vague similar memory I have. He used to do the same thing to me as a child and I thought nothing of it because I was a child. Again I begged her to let me do something (i havent told her about me), but she says she will wait until he dies which I dont think he ever will, and she wants to go back to uni in september anyway, which shes tried twice and neither time could cope.
I hate him, I want him dead and I want him out. I havent spoken to him for three days, he doesnt know why because nothings been said but he knows im pissed off.
My sister wont help at all, she lives in another town and wont even take him for an afternoon, and this was before all this came to light.
How can I get him out? We are in lockdown and he is recovering from a pacemaker procedure that went wrong so is hobbling about being a martyr. I want so badly to let him know I know he is a paedo but my daughter is terrified of the atmosphere etc and tne effect it will have on her, despite my trying to explain this is probably at the root of all her problems and needs addressing. She finally agrees he must go, but how do I get him out? What if he just wont go? I cant think of anything else, my bp is through the roof and I feel physically unwell. He cant do everything, but can do most things, and I dont think he would get housed by the council. Ive seen some private sheltered places but lockdown is an issue.
Just a quick response as there are many subjects here to cover.
Have a discussion with shelter who can give you housing options/help.
I think you should have a word with the Police, without telling anyone.
Also talk to Social Services Safeguarding Team.
You have been used and abused for far too long.
What is his financial situation?
Does he have over £23,000 in savings or own property?
Is he claiming Attendance Allowance?
Hi, thankyou for your replies.
He probably does have more than 23K or at least around that figure.
Ive applied to the local council on his behalf but have heard nothing back so dont know if application was successful, by which I mean if they will consider him or put him on a list.
Ive contacted several housing associations but no joy, several lettings agencies but all viewings suspended until post lockdown.
I have since told him I want him out, but the he doesnt know the real reasons so is doing the martyr thing, which is fair enough as he is in the dark.
Last night my daughter left home to go to her boyfriends. He told his parents and they said she was welcome there, I know this is for the best but I am devastated and also ashamed as it isnt her that should be gone and im sure they are all thinking the same thing.
She still insists on no police involvement or my telling him the real reason, because she says she wont be able ro come near the house at all if he knows. She says I can tell him once he is gone as we wont need to see him after that.
Ive looked up the adult safeguarding site, it all looks very weird and jargonistic, is it the new social services?
He is now trying to be “senile”, I dont know if this is a play for sympathy or what, but if he does this to estate agents, prospective landlords etc Im stuck.
Filling in the council form was tough, he cant remember this that or the other, or so he says.
I just want to be able to assure her I am doing all I can and putting her first. Im going to call NAPAC and MOSAC shortly when their helplines open, although it is a bank holiday today so they may not be there.
He is not claiming attendance allowance and is on no benefits of any kind other than his state pension. There is a button on safeguarding site to report abuse, but I wanted to speak to someone first because of all the complications, although I guess I could see where it takes me. Sorry I sound really thick, I am in a bit of a mess this morning.
Don’t wait a moment longer. Push that button, and email Social Services and tell them he MUST go into emergency respite as your daughter no longer feels safe in her own home. Your daughter’s well being is much, much more important and you are letting her down if you don’t act NOW. We are right behind you.
Personally, I would wait until we are out of lockdown and then suggest he moves out.
To me, he has forfeited any right to consideration if he is the cause of daughter leaving home for acting inappropriately.
I wouldn’t want my daughter to feel anything other than safe in her own home. Dad might last five years, daughter 50. This needs confronting and sorting out today.
Sorry, Daffy, but I agree with Bowlingbun. Procrastination is the thief of time. We don’t know how long lockdown will last and it won’t come to a sudden end, just a gradual relaxation of measures. Flyingduck needs to set things in motion now. It will take time to get her dad out so let’s not add to that time by waiting. While lockdown is certainly hindering some accommodation processes, I am sure there are ways in which someone can be moved in extenuating circumstances like these.
Flyingduck, I am sure you are grateful for the shelter being provided for your daughter. I understand why you are dismayed that it has come to this but it is in your daughter’s better interests until you can sort out your dad. Don’t blame yourself. Your dad is the problem. He needs his own place where he can do what he likes and have visiting whom he likes without imposing on your welfare or your daughter’s.