Hi, I’m not one for posting stuff in forums but I feel today that I either need to vent, or be justified or whatever, I just do t know. Sorry if in the wrong place.
For the last 8 years I have been caring for my wife and bringing up our 3 children, it’s been tough, with a lot of sacrifices along the way, friends, employment, socially, mentally but I’ve always been resiliient, positive, and kept a cool head at times of crisis and just generally rolling with the punches as you do. I have the help of local community caring teams, occasionally the council(after fighting them) I have always put others before myself and considered their feelings and protecting them from the reality of my caring role. In other words put on a show and a brave face, which I suppose looking at it now may not of been the right way, but it was our way, to protect the kids that mummy is strong and fighting. And she is fighting, but the kids know about her conditions, so it’s not lying to some degree, they know she’s not well,they just know… I’m going of topic here and waffling. Let’s get to the point.
We have had the help and support of my cares mum. She has been our Rock through the years, helping financially, and being an emotional support for both of us, but mainly her daughter. They are very close, ring each other at least 3 times a day or Facebook messenger. Attending hospital appointments, watching the kids when I’m going to hospital appointments, she has been a great help, and family is everything, and that’s what she’s been teaching her daughter since she was a child. Your never leave your kids, espicially when there sick, she thinks the world of me as most men wouldn’t of stuck around she says. Everything other than my wife being bed bound because of sickness is been good. I gave up my employment to look after my wife and kids as social services said that my kids would have to go into care. My wife’s mum, although at retirement age continues to work, she absolutely loves her job and wouldn’t give it up for nothing. It’s a good job as well, we would be buggered without her financial support at times.
But something has changed. After her husband died(wife’s dad) she began meeting up with old work friends, and meeting up with an ex husband. At first she was really happy, and she still is, and we supported her new relationship, they would go on holidays and have a good time, and quite rightly so, she deserves it, she did have a shit life whilst married to wife’s dad. Honestly she really does deserve to be happy. But somethings changed. We’ve all been loved up and stuck in a love bubble where love is blind and all that, but she has completely changed as a person that we do t even know who she is anymore. Her morals have changed. Things she would never consider doing because she thought it was wrong, she’s now doing. The phone calls have stopped, she’s gotten rid of her dog, which is something she was so dead against, she’s going to retire, and now she’s decided she is going to move away and live in the same area with her new partner(not living together) 2 and half hours away!,
Obviously this was quite a shock, my wife is devistated and in bits, I am too, In fact we’re are really angry with her at the moment, we cannot understand why she would leave, well we do understand, she’s found her youth again, she’s in love with the man she always wanted to be with and now feels she is entitled to do what she wants as she’s suffered enough, and earned the right to enjoy her retirement as she sees fit. We are a financial burden on her, and are holding her back apparently. She says that her moving away doesn’t change anything, she will still come and visit, go hospital appointments, and we shouldn’t have to rely on her for anything, were grown ups and the kids are old enough to sort themselves out now (our youngest is 9). But the other two our older so I get that.
It’s heartbreaking and demoralising for our family, it’s like a complete switch has been turn on(or off)
She seems to think that she has thought it through, but I do t think she has, or what effect this decision will have on my wife, the kids, and me. If she goes then I have none else to rely on, and maybe she’s right, we shouldn’t have to rely on anybody, but you can’t help not to, we as carers need support right? It’s about having the support from someone for someone, each other, she’s so hell bent on going on about the money that she’s had to spend, but I dont think she has even considered the emotional support she gives to her daughter, and that’s the most important aspect!, my wife is so angry that I’ve told her to not speak out of line in anger, because I think she’s looking for the argument to happen so she can go and then blame ourselves for being horrible to her and justify her decision to leave. I’ve tried sorting it out amicable, to discuss why we are so angry but she doesn’t want to hear it, so she’s angry at us for being angry at her, so she hasn’t spoken to us in 3 days, nor her daughter, and this has had a profound effect on her depression and mental state. The kids are sad too, it’s a gucking nightmare for me right now. I think about the decisions I have made over the years that have been for the better for my wife’s mum, like choosing to stay where we are and not move to my home area, where I would have had the support of my mum, sisters, brothers. If I would of known she was going to do this we would of gone. So yes I’m angry at what I believe is a selfish act after the what I’ve witnessed over the last few months, the lies, the betrayal.
Despite I’m angry we still love her of coarse, and we want nothing more for her than to be happy, so go and enjoy yourself, go on al the holidays you want, but please dont just turn your back on us now.
I don’t think she ever really got the illnesses of her daughter, she has lived in denial for a long time, many times I have tried to talk to her about what goes on at home, the physical needs, the mental health, but she’s always changed the subject, or pretended to ignore me. I gave up reaching out to her a long time ago and suffered in silenced and just pushed on.
I feel her excitement, and her eagerness to be happy and have the life she always dreamed of, but regardless of your children’s ages, she’s still your child that needs her mum, but it’s like she just wants to wash her hands of us.
There we go, a little rant, so am I entitled to be angry? Am I justified for being angry? Am I right to feel this is morally wrong? There is so much more to this story than what I’ve said, but I can’t go to deep. My concerne is my wife’s mental health, and this decision hasn’t taken that into consideration. I think the moving away part it a stretch to far, and I don’t feel it’s just OK to leave me here and get on with it why you are going to leave such a mess behind you. The kids have got me, my wife has got me and I have got no one really now, not local anyway. Yeah we’re all grown up, were not kids anymore, but illness is illness, sickness is sickness, it’s a time for family and the like to pull together for each other, not fuck off when the going gets tough, or that it’s not convienaint for ya, or because you’ve just had enough. We all have our breaking points, makes me wonder what you would of done if I done a bunk all them years ago. Would you of gave up your job? And everything else to be with the ones that need your love a new support? It’s a bloody good job I stayed then.
Sorry anyone reading this. I feel better now I got that off my chest.