Am I doing enough?

Hi all,

I am 28 years old and working full time (37.5 hrs) and also caring for my grandad who has mixed dementia.

I am finding it tough as have LPA for his finances so spend my lunch breaks making phone calls, organising appointments and his banking. We have recently been approved for some funding so I have been setting up a new bank and completing financial assessments/meeting various council officials.

I have used all of my annual leave on hospital appointments- why do they arrange these for such awkward times?

I am frustrated as my partner is not as understanding and is cross with me as I used my last day of leave today as grandad went to A&E last night, and I didn’t want to leave him on his own, confused and feeling agitated.

How can I ask my work for more support without feeling guilty or feeling like I am taking the mick?

I feel guilty that I cannot be with him every day as I know he trusts me. We are finally being sorted with a care package but I feel that time is so precious and I want to be near him; but life and work is putting pressure on this.

I feel guilty as he had a very nasty leg ulcer and we cant get him to change his clothes. I feel like we could have prevented it and he didnt tell us that he was in pain. I feel terrible that he has been suffering and judged that it was do bad, and that it reflects badly on my level of care.

My mental health is declining. I have depression and anxiety and am really struggling.

Sorry for such a long post, but can anyone advise me on how to get my work to understand? I dont feel as though they take it seriously as I have other family who dont bother.

Is there anything else that I can do to help him?

Thanks all in advance for any replies

I’m sorry, you’re not going to like this. You CANNOT be in two, or three places at once, and need to sort out your priorities. As a carer you have a right to some time off from work without using up all your leave (and I’m on your partner’s side).
Where are his son/daughter???
Grandad needs to live his life without your having to do so much for him.
Either he has extra care at home, or moves into residential care, or you sacrifice your entire life until he dies. The choice is yours.
My mum was very frail, moved into residential care for the last year of her life. It was a lovely home, where she had all the care she needed, and our relationship when back to being mum and daughter again.
You cannot stop dad getting old, ill and dying. You CAN make sure he is well looked after by others.

Hi Natasha. Sorry to hear about your situation.I am certain more people will reply in the morning. Is there a personal department where you work or a union? You could be classed as "disabled by association ". I was in a similar situation with my mum. Do you have any siblings who could help? Kind regards Nicholas

Some useful resources Social care and support guide - NHS

I think it’s worth a chat with your work and your GP. I’ve recently became sole Carer for my father (Brain tumour) as was unexpected I took a week sick and then got signed off two more weeks so I can settle into routine of meds bed wash food etc for dad and be solo mum to my 7 year old. I work full time usually and will be returning soon, however having being signed off from work From GP is a godsend, perhaps you need some time too? As for them arranging appts at certain times I work for the NHS and can tell you we do not do it to spite anyone. We have long lists and fit people in when we can. I’m sure my patients & families are swearing at the cancellations but I had to prioritise my family over work this 3 weeks. Life happens xx

Hi, Natasha! God… you are doing so much. I completely understand how you are feeling. I don’t know how old you are, but until recently my family and I have been looking after our grandma who is suffering from dementia. (I am 33 and it was dificult for me to juggle my career and visiting after work, since I finish work at 6. both my parents are successful professionals and would find it very hard to manage.) It’s close to a year since we hired a carer for her and it was the best decision we ever made. Of course, we check still check on her regularly. But under any circumstance we did not want to put her into a care home. She’s got a carer from Guardian carers. Her name is Rowena and she is the loveliest! They get along so well. She’s also bffs with my grandfather! I can’t explain how relieved we are. Maybe this is something you may want to look into. I’ll leave you some links to different agencies we looked at: