I was not an official carer for my identical twin but I was very supportive of her recovery and return to work from a brain haemorrhage.
She had returned to work and was loving life and happy and 2.5 years ago was found collapsed and unresponsive, the paramedics could not shock her back to life, they did everything to no avail.
I am devastated to lose my twin and suddenly.
I feel so guilty that it was her and not me.
Guilty that I was not there to stop it or save her.
I was going to do a jokey reply to a text I found from her from late the night before, I was going to do it at around 0830/45 but told myself not to because she is busy - that’s when the paramedics were working on her.
A policeman came to tell me. I stared at him like a child being told Santa isn’t real.
Then I had to find the words to tell mother and feared her having a fatal stroke or heart attack, she didn’t but she could have.
That night in bed I woke up and I was bouncing off the bed like someone being shocked back to life, it happened for a few nights running - at that point I did not know that the paramedics had been doing that to my twin. I was going through her shocking to life.
My twin was an hour away and had to be taken to the morgue for an autopsy, two agonising weeks to have her brought home to the family service we use.
I had to deal with all the arrangements and sign the papers.
I had to sort out her estate.
I did the eulogy, I could not have anyone else do it.
I was a pall bearer, I had to escort her in with my love.
I have been traumatised and have PTSD
I’ve had some silver jewelry made with her ashes and hair in them.
We were a twins group in facebook and someone informed me of the twinless group which helped to normalise what I was going through.
Twin bond is immense.
My twin was cheated of her life and I have been cheated of my precious soulmate quirky, hilarious, weird, warped, twin and the most beautiful soul of an angel on this earth.
When I was a child at Junior school, we used to walk from the school to a church hall for school dinners. On the way, we always met “the twins.” At the time, these ladies were probably in their mid-50s, they did everything together, they looked identical, they wore identical clothes and identical expressions. They had a real spring in their step and even as a youngster I recognised there was no room for anyone else in their lives.
About 20 years later, I saw one of them on her own. Her twin had died suddenly, and this lady was completely lost. No spring in her step - nothing.
I’ve seen something similar with other twins since, although not to that extent. Survivor’s guilt is a biggie. And that unique bond I’ve otherwise only seen in Welsh sisters…almost telepathic…
It leaves a real gap in your life, Breezey, but your approach is spot on. Live for both of you, and tell her all about it. Because twins can.
So sorry for your loss Breezey. I am not a twin but I had identical twin boys who sadly were stillborn. It broke my heart and still does to be honest even though they would now be nearly 40! I look at twins and wonder.
I know the twin bond is very strong and I am sure you did all you could for your twin but, as someone else said, live for them as well as yourself now. Xx
Penny, I don’t think anyone ever gets over losing their child - or children. It’s probably the worst thing that can happen to parents: especially mums who have carried their babies through a pregnancy. 4 years or 40: it’s still fresh. Maybe with a bit of guilt, wondering if there was something you could have done differently.
Do you do anything special to remember them on significant dates? A friend of mine lights a candle in remembrance of her son, who lived only a few hours, on his birthday.
Thanks Charles. Don’t do anything special, just quietly remember.
It happened on Princess Diana’s birthday 1st July and all the doctors and nurses were glued to the TV in the ward watching her celebrations. I kept trying to get someone to take notice of me because I knew something wasn’t right but they just left me alone. It was horrible.