I’ve just spoken to a friend about my situation with my MIL and her advice was so radical.
Her view is that as MIL has capacity and wants to be at home, she has to live with the consequences. She advised not to go running around there and let her recognise her limitations.
Also, MILs sister in law phoned us this afternoon profusely apologising for forgetting to send MIL a card, it seems she phoned her sister in law and let rip about forgetting her birthday, put the phone down, and then wouldn’t answer the phone again. Her sister in law wanted us to check on her.
I phoned MIL who was fine( of course). I explained that SIL was upset, and she denied saying anything to her. She said she couldn’t answer the phone because she was making tea - ( all afternoon?!?!)
It’s this constant attention seeking that is wearing me down. She knows that by not answering the phone people will worry.
How would you deal with this and has anyone ever left someone to their own devices as my friend suggested?
Obviously, we would still do what we do for her ( most meals, visit 5 x per week, washing, shopping, Sunday lunch and meds etc….) It’s just the extra she now seems to want that I can’t cope with. I really can’t.
I totally agree with your friend. For the record, several close friends have advised me to do the same. My issue is that I share a home with my ‘husband’ and have the cats so leaving is sadly not a viable option for me.
I think you have to think about your own mental and physical health and that of your husband. You sound at breaking point…would you consider speaking to a counsellor? Ideally one experiences in these kind of situations. TBH you are being subjected to emotional blackmail/abuse and sometimes having compassion and empathy is the very worst traits to have in these kind of circumstances when it is about your survival too.
Hopefully others will be able to give their opinions but yes, I agree with your friend. Please find the strength to walk away but write to her GP first and tell them that this is what you are doing. If you were no longer able to be the contact on the alarm pendant what would happen? I guess it would go through to the admin team and then to 999 if they could not contact your mil? Sending hugs as you really do have my sympathy.
Thank you Helena.
It’s not that we would walk away, I’m happy to do what we now do, which is a lot.
However, whatever we do is not now enough, she seems to want more and more and for us to not go anywhere or do anything.
She seems to lack the self awareness to see that what she is doing is not right and very selfish.
It’s very difficult when someone of 96 plays the “illness card”, she does this most days and I spend hours dealing with it.
I used a diary in order to keep track of appointments. I also went fishing in a boat when I was 17 years old in late 2013. I also tried ice skating and swimming in a pool again.
Thank you Jane,
Your posts and the replies have been helpful, we have been through a process of trying out being less available but caring and responsive.
Managing guilty fears has been as hard and exhausting as over helping.
We have gradually changed things for the better for all.
More support from others for our daughter and daughter a bit happier as more independence.
We have a bit more freedom.
But always will care.
Your situation sounds hard and different from ours but I hope you have some you time.
Ula 
Ula, Thanks for taking the time to comment.
It’s all so difficult isn’t it?
I seemed to have spent so much of my life caring, sorting out and worrying.
I know your daughter has mental health issues, my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia over twenty years now and me being his only relative had a real roller coaster getting him sorted.
I’m glad to say he is very settled now but suffering from some of the side effects of the medication and can get very low. He now has a partner so I feel less anxious about him these days.
My own adult son has Aspergers syndrome, Tourette’s and a learning difficulty. He lives with us.
He is quite able, but prone to very risky behaviour and is more vulnerable than he realises which has meant some quite unsavoury characters have come his way. He’s a constant worry.
And of course, the subject of my posts has been my MIL who has been so lucky, is healthy ( for 96) but doesn’t stop demanding.
It would be so easy to feel sorry for oneself, but what would that do?
I do think I need to withdraw a bit though, and let her realise that I can’t do everything.
Take care of yourself too.
Actually, all the carers on the forum - look after yourself!
You need to delegate some of those jobs! All of the need SOMEONE but I’d doesn’t have to be you.
Shopping, mum can get someone, to do it online!
Washing? She needs a washer dryer or washer, and separate dryer!
Meals? Someone to cook for her, ready meals, etc.
However much you do it will never be enough, so forget some of them until she finds a solution herself.
I had counselling to help manage mum’s endless demands. One idea that worked well was never to start a new job until the previous one was complete. To say, “you asked me to do this, and I want to get it finished properly for you until I start the next one”. YOU choose what you do next and the speed you work. I know these endless jobs were just to keep me at her place for longer, because mum was lonely, but really they had the reverse effect, especially as I too was disabled. Mum would have seen much more of me if I was allowed to pop in for a coffee without being given another job. Towards the end of her life, as she heard me come in the door she would reach into the pocket of her recliner, get out her notebook with the jobs in it and her first words were “While you are here could you…?” Before even “Hello and how are you?” How I hated that book.
Thanks for your reply.
I do intend to step back a bit, not totally of course, but I think if she has chosen to remain as she is, then that is her choice and she will need to think about how things that can’t be done are addressed.
I feel calmer about things, which is a vast improvement.
Speaking just for myself. As a carer I will never be able to shed the worry I have with respect to the person I am caring for, her symptoms arise without warning added to the fact that she is in denial of most of her symptoms and actions anyway.
So I made a list of all the things I enjoy: certain types of voluntary work, types of music, prayer, types of books, types of films and TV serials etc. etc.
And so everyday; whenever I am able to grab any opportunity for “me time”; whether it is 5 minutes or 5 hours, I use them by choosing appropriately from my above list. And so far that is what has worked for me
Thank you for taking the time to respond.
I am glad you have found a way to alleviate at least some of the stress.
I think I have developed a pattern now of expecting the worst every day because if I don’t, the disappointment of having to cancel a visit to my sons for example, is unbearable. It’s almost like protecting myself.
I find getting rid of the constant low anxiety quite difficult too.
I enjoy reading, which can help me switch off at night.
What sort of books do you like reading Jane? I am an avid reader and chair 2 Book Clubs. Reading and the cats have saved my sanity on many occasions and if I struggle to read, as in not being able to concentrate then I KNOW my stress level is through the roof. I tend to have a few good books that I can re read if I need something out of the ordinary and not too demanding.
Hi Helena,
I suppose I have what is known as an eclectic taste.
I have read a huge amount of factual psychological/ political books in my past due to courses taken and career followed.
However, I prefer pleasure reading now and enjoy old classics and modern crime fiction- I love a whodunnit!
My two favourite books ever are Madame Bovary and Thomas Harris’ Hannibal!!! ( I know!
)
I’m currently working my way through anything by Michael Connelly- I love the Harry Bosch series, total escapism.
I also enjoy anything with pictures of beautiful landscapes in, so photography or travel books.
I also have my dogs, who at least make me go out every day……
I know in some ways I am lucky, but to be free to do what I want would be my dream.