weve had a hurrendous week, my dad had a really bad fall horrible injuries a bad experience in a respite/rehab home and now i feel hyperactive and exhausted and keep feeling a sense of dread, we have been dealing with my dads parkinsons and dementia for years but this week has been the worst yet i havent even been able to work my usual day job any advice on how to deal with these feelings? my mum who is dads main carer is alsp exhausted but states that as im only in my 40s i shouldnt be as tired, i did an all night wait in a and e which started this terrible week off and now i feel so drained and ill and worry about my dad all the time and my mum aswell
Hello & welcome
All you are feeling is quite natural and normal. Age has nothing to do with it. Some people may appear to be coping but inside not so. When we are tired everything can seem more daunting and over whelming
Does Dad have a Social worker if not he should have one. Has there been a needs assessment done.
And a carers assessment for you and Mum.
You and Mum need to contact social services and request more help.
I’m not surprised you are tired worrying about your parents. Stress and anxiety causes lots of different issues. But you recognise why you are tired. And that’s a good starting point. Now you need to take control and get services for Mum & Dad. To lightened the load which can be done in many different ways. Respite for Dad a cleaner for Mum etc etc.
I’m sure you are worried sick about dad AND mum and what the future holds for you.
Did dad go to hospital first, and then the home, or was he in the home to start with?
What is the extent of his injuries?
It is time for something to change.
Mum and dad will probably say they can “manage” because they just don’t see that you are the one propping them both up!
Start by making a list of everything that mum needs, and dad needs.
What you do. (so much easier on the computer).
Then shuffle the lists into priority order of what has to change/is worrying you most.
One thing is certain, giving up work is NOT AN OPTION.
How old is dad? Can he do anything for himself now?
I am sorry to hear that you have had a terrible week with your dad falling and struggling to cope. I hope things will improve but if your desperate to help there is help available at Carers UK. I hope you will get help from the other carers on this Forum and I hope that you find the Forum beneficial to you. I hope it will provide you with the support you need.
You are not alone in your caring role. We at Carers UK are sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and offer support. Caring can be very lonely at times and the pandemic everyone has suffered in has made caring responsibilities challenging as many carers have been socially restricted and unable to attend social groups etc.
Carers UK are running online weekly meet-ups and you might find it beneficial to talk to other carers who are in your position. You can find the information and how to register at Care For A Cuppa:-Online meetups | Carers UK. Then the second meet up which you might want to join is Share and Learn: Share and Learn | Carers UK.
Also at Carers UK we have a telephone number which is available between the days of Monday-Friday between the hours of 9am-6pm and the telephone number is: 0808 808 7777. We have an email address which is (firstname.lastname@example.org.).
They provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers:-
-Benefits And Financial Support
-Your Rights As A Carer In The Workplace
-Carers Assessments And How To Get Support In Your Caring Role
-Services Available To Carers And The People You Care For
-How To Complain Effectively And Challenge Decisions.
I hope this information helps you.
Thanks everyone for your support we do have a social worker and some ots coming out its just the same old resistance to accept outside help from my mother but ive got surgery in 2 weeks so will need to recuperate for at least 6 weeks its just so hard juggling work my kids house stuff and caring but you will all understand my mother jist replies with you are young you dont have a clue how hard it really is caring all the time
It’s time for mum to learn that she may not want outside carers, but she NEEDS them. You have to turn this sort of comment back on her. Its HER decision that is making her life hard, and she has to take responsibility. She is doing this to herself.
Use this situation, you out of action, to change things. You MUST look after yourself and follow doctor’s orders. If mum doesn’t care about you and your op, why should you are about her?!?!
Thanks for the advice im hoping me being out of action and in hospital will cause a positive change as none of us can carry on as we have been doing ive been told its my mums generation that refuse help but surely once the help comes and is put in place it will be a welcome relief? my mum really wants me to heal properly but fails to understand that if im stressing about her and my dad it will hinder my recovery i want everything in place before its too late, has anyone else got elderley parents that refuse help even when they are literally on their knees? I juat dont understand the logic
Yes, mine were all terrible, all four saying they can “cope” and “manage”, it’s the War Effect!