Yes T Breezy and Charles are spot on. I too was very worried for you when your partner said he would smash the phone against the wall. (one reason I have not recorded my husband, apart from my lack of technological skills is the worry of what he would do if he saw me doing it).
Sadly, he sounds very unhappy and is using you as a verbal punch back. This is NOT acceptable and what about your quality of life? I totally accept you are in denial and believe me, I do understand. I never believed my husband would be physically violent as for years, it was only mental abuse, but it did tip over. Thankfully he is very frail now but I still walk on eggshells. So yes , verbal abuse can tip over and sometimes even the threat of it can cause huge stress.
It is very easy for us to ‘tell’ you what to do, but the fact that you have reached out accentuates that deep deep down you KNOW something is not right. Women’s Aid is a step forward as is your GP. I realise you may have tried to convince yourself that you are overeacting, but please please read the answers to your posts - none of us think that and we are all worried and concerned with regard to your wellbeing
Thank you for your comments. I agree that our relationship is not normal and I think this is due to an undiagnosed condition - he is not neurotypical so his behaviour is going to be different to what people think is ‘normal’ and by extension, so is our relationship.
In the interest of fairness, I feel I need to point out a few details which I may not have explained sufficiently:
I worked late because of a work event - I don’t work 16 hour days normally, no.
I don’t feel physically threatened - over the 20 years, he pushed me at the very beginning, but I told him he was not to touch me and he has not done so since
a lot of people would probably not give permission to have their conversations recorded, which is why I asked - you don’t record someone without asking permission first
he is verbally aggressive when he is angry, that yes - these days he leaves the room for the most part if we get into such arguments
I am not a hostage in my own house - he has certain requirements which I think are linked to his autism perhaps - he needs his own space with the door closed, he feels anxious when he is doing something and others are looking over his shoulder (hence working in the kitchen on his own)
he chooses programmes that he feels we both enjoy and goes to great lengths to do this (I wouldn’t have the time, or the technical know-how and I enjoy the very broad range of programmes that he chooses for us both. He watches other programmes on his own which he thinks I would not enjoy)
I think that there has been some excellent advice for you in this forum.
I just want to say that I hope that things will get much better for you in the future. There is definitely coercive behaviour on your husband’s part. I think that counselling would help you see how your husband is being coercive.
You need to let all of this sink in and go through it all a few times, think about the realities, how things really are, what you want to ask/discuss with the the organisations mentioned in here and contact them for proper professional discussions and advice.
This is going beyond my knowledge zones, I am in no way qualified but just looking analytically at your posts there are concerns.
I appreciate this could be uncomfortable to rather brutal to read some replies, particularly the bluntness I have applied in mine for clarity purposes and highlighting concerns/picking up things.
He certainly does want everything his own way.
Shutting you down when you speak up.
Saying females are useless.
Both are Gaslighting and controlling.
Shutting himself in his room - is he your husband or your teenage son?
I’m not sure that mood swings are an attribute of autism from my knowledge.
Mood swings are other conditions, bi polar for one, psychotic behaviours have mood swings and tempers and possibly a dislike of the unknown eg people, places, driving to places they’ve never been before on unknown routes etc.
When you have carefreee, happy, fun times, how do they come about? Do they come from him initiating them? Are the good times from him? When you are happy is it from him?
In other words, think back and ask yourself if he is controlling when you are happy - do you start it or does he start it - if it is always from him that is controlling.
It is very convenient for him to shut down any approach on the subject of diagnosis.
What is being hidden? if it is anxieties about diagnosis, then better to be diagnosed and helped but if it is him hiding other conditions then how at risk are you?
You can’t see him caring for you - he might put food and drink in front of you - provide sustenance, but can you seeing him say pushing you in a wheelchair, bedbathing, doing a commode, changing dressings or whatever is involved.
He would just kill himself if you died…life is so insignificant to him, that is a warning sign if it is not depression then it could be a concern for your safety too.
Professional guidance and help are needed.
There are so many red flags in what you have said in your original post, things are not right.
I don’t feel I have a handle on what is ‘normal’ and what isn’t, so I am concerned and seeking advice
Playing Devil’s Advocate
Without diagnosis what right has he to call all the shots to have things exactly his way?
You have needs too, is he accommodating yours?
He’s obviously intelligent and therefore knows right from wrong - how he is treating you is wrong.
OK he has needs? violent threats, language and behaviours is wrong, you are not an enemy, you are a spouse and vows and promises were made to love and care for and protect you.
Self diagnosis is not always correct and there could be other conditions or tendencies to them.
There are some with autism who were wrongly diagnosed as bi-polar or borderline personality disorder and vice versa and a few with both, or turn out to be something else.
https://community.autism.org.uk/
You will find this forum helpful and the website info too about the forms of autism and getting a proper professional diagnosis to find out if that truly is all he has and/or anything else and addressing his faults and wrongs and learning that you have needs and a relationship is a two-way street.
If he doesn’t improve from diagnosis and counselling on his condition(s) whatever they be then you could be in a risky situation for your wellbeing and safety.
The waiting list for diagnosis is around 2 years unless it has improved.
If this is as non-negotiable as everything else is, then refer back to all in this thread and research other conditions that can be confused with autism and risk assess your safety.
I can’t tell you what to do, I am not qualified to.
As said we don’t know you both and things can look worse in text and 2 + 2 could = 5
But there are some alarming things, red flags and areas of concern.
Yes, I think I mentioned that he said he suffers from depression and PTSD. He tried to commit suicide a few years back, so this affects his views. He does his best to cope with it all and over time, I am hoping that he will get round to obtaining a specialist diagnosis to help us both out. He hasn’t refused to do this, but he doesn’t hold much hope that it will help and it also means going out and having contact with doctors.
Autistic people have a need to isolate themselves from the hustle and bustle of life which is where I think his need to close himself off in his room comes from. The main thing I struggle with is when he becomes harsh and critical which might be a manifestation of his PTSD. This does not happen all the time, but it has been happening at intervals and it does cause me and him distress. He usually distances himself from me and stays in his room more when that happens.
i understand there are many stereotypical and non-stereotypical autistic people and those in between, there are many who can ‘do’ or get through the hustle and bustle and have some down time after in what form suits them/their life best, they don’t have the luxury of having total avoidance.
Autism is not a black and white condition, there can be other conditions, there can be misdiagnosis to other conditions or of other conditions to autism. Autism is a wide ranging spectrum.
Discussions with proper professionals for yourself will flush out things in an informed way.
Your wellbeing and safety is important, you have seen the concerns raised in this thread.
There seems to be a complex situation with him and combined issues, he really does need proper diagnosis and help with his conditions.
The diagnosis route won’t be nice for him, but you may find out if he has any other conditions that could put you at risk from mood swings/violence and/or decide if you want to be a vulnerable old lady around him. A diagnosis and the right counselling/treatments could turn things around for the better. But that has to be his decision. If he doesn’t want to or doesn’t see a need, you need professional guidance on that. If he outright refuses again, professional guidance and think about your future wellbeing and safety and have professional advice if you decide you can’t go on together.
I remember someone on the forum a long time ago who separated from her partner. He had a mental health problem and couldn’t cope with someone being around all the time. They were better living apart, but still seeing each other.
Every relationship is different, but I do feel he needs to accept that a partnership is about two people both contributing.
At the moment you are doing all the giving, he is doing all the taking, which isn’t right.
You deserve to be respected as the one contributing, not threatened.
Chiming in again. Use a notebook or diary for recording all future incidents. Line up your ducks and get ready in order to leave pronto. Seek out lots of useful advice. Sort out your long term finances, make a escape plan and request professional legal advice. Please keep us updated. Best of luck and you are in my prayers as well. We are here for you. You can do this.
Given his suspected possible condition(s), depression and suicidal tendencies you really do need to consult professionals who are qualified to discuss all aspects with you about your wellbeing, safety and risk management.
This is regarding his control, his temper, suspected conditions, diagnosis/no diagnosis/not telling you and everything else that gets flushed out with the professional(s).
You need to speak with those who are qualified and know the right questions to ask and the right information and advice to give you.
Thank you for you post in the forum T, we really appreciate posting here and getting support and help from others in the forum. We have sent you an email with further support which we hope is helpful.