Hello, I havent posted here for probably nearly a year, as my husband was doing OK, was working and we were on an even keel. However over the past few weeks he has got worse again, quit his job again and has again become depressed. He has gone to the doctors to get his medication increased but it seems to have had no effect. My problem is that when he is well, he could be doing other things to maintain his mental health, but he doesn’t. He just takes the medication but does nothing else, so the medication just stops working. Last time he stopped taking the meds altogether and we were plunged back into the same situation ( worse) than he was in the year before when he was sectioned. I feel our marriage is dead, partly because his depression is not being made better with me being married to him, all it is doing is dragging me down with him. We have 2 teenagers, one who is about to sit his A Levels and the other who is about to go into his last year of GCSE. This up and down is starting to affect them too. I also feel the relationship itself is enabling, as in he doesnt have to do anything to help himself. I get him to make an appointment at the doctors, he goes, they tell him to do something, he doesnt do it. For example he has sleep apnea. The doctor told him to lose weight and keep a sleep diary. He didn’t keep the sleep diary. I asked him to start Slimming World with me. he said no. I asked him, if I went to slimming world whether he would do it with me. He said yes, but then hasn’t done anything so I’m sitting there in Slimming World! Although I have lost 1/2 a stone! I have told him I want to split up. As I don’t think he will be able to cope on his own I will still have to act as a carer, so my proposal was to split up but still live in the same house, and reconfugure the house so we have our own space. He said he didn’t want to do that but couldn’t think of any other ideas. I told him he had until my son had finished his exams to prove to me that he could do something else if he didnt want to split up. I gave him two things to do while I was out this afternoon, which was call the GP and call MIND. He did neither, so even 5 seconds after I told him to do something he hasn’t. I have sent him a list of chores/ activities I want him to do every day- not much, just things like ‘hoover the living room’. What can I do if he literally refuses to do anything?
@SweetBriar73 …I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. I feel for you as I too have been in the same position with a husband who wouldn’t help himself at all over the years. Mine had numerous health issues and was severely overweight. I thought he’d hit rock bottom when he nearly died during a hernia operation then spent 5 months in hospital followed by 2 months in rehab to gain strength to walk again. Sadly he didn’t. We’re now separated and he’s been in assisted living for the last 2 years. He’s now unfortunately back in hospital having had a stroke and has an infected heart and eventually will die of heart failure and won’t come out of hospital. I’m sorry, I don’t want that to make it sound like it’s all about me, I just want you to know that I have some understanding of how you’re feeling. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you are important and you can’t make someone change if they don’t want to. Look after yourself and do what’s right for you. 
Thanks Sue. It doesnt sound like its all about yo at all! Its reassuring to hear others have had the same issues. I havent told anyone, as I know my mum and his mum will want me to stay ( which I feel i am doing by being prepared to continue keeping an eye on him) but will not want us to separate. i do feel selfish in some ways but in other ways, I feel it would be even more selfish to let my children endure this too. Especially as I dont think the marriage is doing him any good anyway.
@SweetBriar73 , so sorry to hear you back in this situation and I do know how hard it is for you and your family. I think your husband needs more support which is easy said than done. I think you all need a break from each other like respite or he needs a spell in in a mental health unit espcially if his meds are not working. Sometime with someone with mental health you will end up going through the same situation a few times unless the cycle is broken. with your kids, tell them that if it too much for them that they can resit them or speak to the school tell them the situation and they might be able to do somethings, my parents did that for me due to a broken arm during my SATS but for my GCSE they manage to get me more time to finish as the mock GCSE I did as the teacher decided to finish us way too early and got failed for not completeing the test but that was sorted out. He might need to be section but that for someone to decide. I get the the doctors telling me to lose weight but I hate being told espcially if you are not well. best solution there is do you best to keep from takeaways and try to make your own food, some time a cup of soup or gravy can help lose weight and it simple to do. Maybe see if he wants to do something in the garden or walks. Maybe the kids could join something to help take their mind off things. keep in touch
@SweetBriar73 …I didn’t tell my mum and dad and family what was going on either. I’ve been through the whole range of emotions including guilt, it’s natural to feel that way. Even now I have guilt that his last 2 years have been hard when they could have been easier for him if we’d continued to carry on as we were. Your kids will be aware of what’s going on and it can’t be a happy home environment for them either. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, you know when you’ve reached that point. For me it was almost sinking into depression and dreading going home after work and the upcoming weekends.
Thanks Michael. Yes I know we do need a break from each other. We all just have so much on with exam revision etc I just don’t have time to deal with him, but I just want my own room I can go to and hes not there. Last time I did feel better being on here and actually seeing myself as a carer ,because it was something I could be in control of, and I had a role that I was doing, rather than a role as a wife, which I wasn’t doing because it was impossible. @Sue24 Thats interesting you didnt tell you family. Do you thinnk that was a good or bad idea? I think I’m going to have to tell them eventually but we havent even told the kids, because I just want to exam period to be over. It is affecting them- the up and down when they think hes better then it all gets turned over again. This is what has been the catalyst really. I don’t want to go home but I don’t want to leave my kids at home to deal with him on their own either.
@SweetBriar73 it is hard to tell the family let alone the kids. I know my dad parents escially his mum was not happy with my mum having mental health issues but in the end they made their peace. All I can say do it when you feel the time is right and not before your ready and if the family or friends don’t like it then you will have to be straight with them and say you can’t help people having a illness which can be so complex to understand so don’t take it out on me or anyone else as it might happen to you one day. It something I have had to say a few time to people who either take the mick out of it or make out the person who is ill is nothing more than something they have stepped in. It is hard but sometime I wish people would understand better what mental health is really like than a joke or a illness that should be wiped out and that all thanks to some of these famous make or go on about mental health as so much is taken out context
@SweetBriar73 …We only have the one daughter who is now 25. I wanted to leave him when she was 16 but hang on in as she was doing her exams and then tried to carry on for years afterwards but his health and all the issues that brought on continued to get worse. It’s always going to be tough whenever you decide to split. Our daughter was very upset but thankfully could see what I was going through. She ended up not having to worry so much about me.
Maybe wait until the exams are over and talk to your children alone about their thoughts, one by one?
I always found discussions easier when we were in the car.
Maybe their thoughts/dreams about their own future? Living at home or moving out?
Yes that was my plan. The trigger for all this was that I naiveley thought they were coping well, but from their reaction this time I think they were just masking. One is hoping to move out in September to go to University but then the other one will be on his own. They will of course always have a home with me. Part of me is hoping to shock him into sorting himself out, as all other help has done nothing. But not to the point where we can get back together but to the point where I can sell the house and he can live on his own. I will wait a bit until the exams are over ( about 6 weeks time) and then tell his mum and my mum I think. Just so he has someone to talk to really and so she knows. The thing is, the problem is that he doesn’t do anything because I feel hes being enabled by me. His mum would win enabling gold at the Olympics though!
Who owns the house? If it was sold, would there be enough for you to buy your own place? Would he move back in with mum?
If she wants him back, let her carry on!!! (After all maybe with a different upbringing he wouldn’t be like this?
The house isnt the problem. Its mortgage free, and if we sold it we could split the money and buy two smaller places. I tried the ‘sending him back to his mums’ last time! It was horrific and I had to go and collect him by driving the entire width of the country to collect him! Shes 80. The problem is that he wouldnt be able to cope on his own. I had some counselling with MIND, who have a drop in centre near us. She was the one who suggested separating in the house and establishing strict boundaries, so he has time to get used to doing things for himself. She has referred me to individual therapy as well as referring us to Relate which has a long waiting list apparently, so I will talk the practicalities through with them. I have time because I don’t want to blow it all up this month. To be honest the more I talk about it the more Im looking forward to getting my own room, doing it up, getting rid of a load of stuff from the house! I want to start now but I know he needs to be receptive to agree to all this.
Soon after I was widowed I read a Relae Book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff. It’s a really easy read book, you can dip in and out. It helps the reader decide what they want, and don’t want their future to look like. Usually available on eBay, often under £5. The best book of it’s type I’ve found.
Been living with a wife suffering with anxiety and depression. I too am an enabler. I do everything. All the attempts to turn things round come from me. I’m suffering physically and mentally with things. She has been in hospital for 10 weeks with neglect and abnormal weight loss. I don’t want to leave after 51 years but the prospect of more of this will drag me under. As with your husband she takes the Mirtazapine and that’s about the extent of her efforts to sort things out. DISPAIR!
@SweetBriar73 I can so relate to how you are feeling and it throws you into turmoil on what to do. My husband started with depression back in 2019. I went through 9 months of hell, treading on eggshells, trying not to say or do the wrong thing to set him off to his “dark place”. During that time I considered saying let’s call it a day, sell up and go our separate ways - we were living in France at the time. He then one day said, I want to go back to the UK, so within 6 weeks, we had put the house on the market, found a rented property back in the UK and moved back. My head was in bits with it all and I had to do all the organising, which is the norm. It took him another 10 months before he admitted he was suffering with depression and then last year, he lost it at work and got suspended. He then knew he needed help (hallelujah). He had therapy which helped and went to thr Dr’s and got tablets which helped, but he is slipping back again. Unlike you our 2 girls are grown up and moved away, so you have others to watch over too. Have they got close friends they could talk to if they are starting to be affected by all this. Like your husband, mine too won’t heed medical advice. He has been told he is borderline diabetic and they keep.sending him appointments which he cancels and refuses to change his diet. He wonders all the time why he I tired (apart from the fact he works nights) but won’t be told he needs to look after his health. It is so frustrating as like you, I feel like I am always sorting things out. I often have to make excuses as he won’t go to places we have been invited too. Does he make you feel like things are your fault too? I do find this forum so helpful, especially when feeling low, or not sure what to do. I think taking the next couple of months until the exams are over and then sitting down as a family to discuss options (either with your husband or without) it may clear the air and help you think clearer. Maybe join a local woman’s group, there tend to be a few in each area that are for meeting for coffee, going for walks etc, to give you some breathing space too.