I have been a carer since first diagnosis in 2014, for my birth mother.
She had been misdiagnosed for nearly 2 years.
Her main ailment is Parkinsonism. She also has major mobility issue, leading to fairly regular bouts of hallucinations. 1 out of 3 bouts, was due to a urine infection.
There is also the likely onset of Dementia by Lewes bodies.
I have a stairlift on order, as she has had falls down the stairs, which i was only recently made aware of during appointments with her up and orthopaedic consultant.
I was working and my cousin who has downs syndrome has come to the house between 10 and 4 30 everyday.
My cousin, I have realised, is a important part of my mother’s mental health and the other way around. But, they will only say what she is told by my mother and not capable of understanding that after a fall, someone should be notified.
On 04th Dec 2020, I left my job and became a full time carer. Then recently a full time registered carer, as I was aware that I also needed support.
Since, I have had access to mothers medical records. One particular piece of information has caused me much stress. I am trying to deal with this information. It explains why I ran away from home, cut my wrist and was sent away for 3 years, when my father passed away, when I was 18.
I have a younger brother, who has attacked me in the past and the police were called in 2014, I did not press charges as he has a wife and young child. Given, that he has been coming around during lockdown and threatened to kill Me if anything happens to his mother. I feel like i should have followed through in 2014. Mother has always said, she sees nothing, says nothing and knows nothing. Mother, my sister in law and their child, were sat downstairs as he kept me prisoner in my room for nearly four hours. Glasses were thrown, kicks to the radiator, which vibrated all around the house, a punch to a hardwood door broke his hand, the bottle of rum he consumed, caused him to vomit and pass out. I waited for him to come round, then ran out of the house in a torn t shirt, ripped shorts and 1 sock. I had just come out of a 5 year period of depression.
I have only yesterday, managed to recover my 5 year relationship with my girl friend, who is going through peri menopause and she is a carer for someone with ms.
We have broken up too many times during covid and I am proud to say, I have fought very hard to be there for her, because I truly do love her.
I do not have any family members that I talk or have any interaction with. I have been happier with this arrangement, although I regret not talking to my nieces and nephews.
I know my journey as a carer is in its infancy, I am learning, I am growing, I am falling, each time is no easier. One particular problem is her control. I am keeping her informed, but then have to deal with, changed appointnents which happen withour my knowledge, appointnents made, which he has no memory of and i did not make, being left out of the loop because mother has changed main contact details, from me to her.
I have certain defects, that my whole life, she has said ‘Dad used to deal with those things’ I have finally requested my medical records from my gp.
I have a bad feeling that my medical records will have been altered, as hers are. My mother worked at my uncle’s gp practice for almost 2 decades and her medical records, start after my Dad’s death.
I am dealing with this, like an administration task.
I was diagnosed as pre diabetic recently and not doing to well managing through diet. I can do much better here. I have played sports all my life. This one thing is my everything. My friend, my pain relief, my everything. I am getting back slowly, but my diet is not helping.
I am trying to get up with the sun and sleep when it sets. I am a creative person and need time for me, without all these distractions taking over my thoughts, waking me up and generally hanging over me like a cloud.
I miss and yearn for human contact. I work in an industry I love and miss.
I have recently had many suicidal thoughts, I am ok with this, it is also a friend I am familiar with. The early thoughts, attempts were always halted by fear. The recent thoughts, had no fear and even now, seem like the sensible option. I have only one person as my life support, one very special person, yet I still see death as the peace I need in my heart, mind and soul.
I feel this getting stronger, but not overwhelming.
It just seems sensible and logical, peace.
My girlfriend is becoming more important and a strong barrier between me and peace. Maybe I will find peace with her. I am ok with either, but do not want to cause her anymore stress or pain.
Too much going on in my head.
I am on a waiting list for help through the carers centre and managing day to day.
Today is a good day as I am going for an afternoon stroll with my lady