Hello - I'm new and a bit lost

Hi All,
Sorry to post. After reading through some of your other posts, I guess mine is a bit rubbish, but perhaps someone will have a useful thought that I can hold on to?

I am 52 and care for my husband who has BPD and is a high-functioning Autistic (sorry if I’ve used the wrong term, I don’t mean to offend any one).

Most of the time he’s manageable but our 21 yr old son has just moved back home after being in an abusive relationship. I am really happy that he’s safe at home now but the change in routine has upset my OH. He is impossible to please now and I’m worried that my son (who is also HF Autistic) will feel he has to move out again as his Dad blames him for the instability.

I have bitten my lip and given up so much to create a ‘stable’ environment for my OH so that every day is calm and manageable but he just can’t let me have my boy back at home for a few weeks without reverting to the selfish, childish behaviour where everything is my fault. I am so cross, as we, as parents should be trying to help our son sort himself out, instead of his Dad behaving like a child.

He won’t talk to his support worker about any of this and is intelligent enough to ‘fool’ anyone who asks how he is. I’m stuck here, just sitting and waiting for him to ‘come out of his mood’, knowing full well that the same thing could kick off in another few weeks.

Sorry. I know there’s nothing anyone can do, I need to suck it up, it’s just so exhausting, and I feel like I’m wasting my time now, I’m beginning to stop giving a sh!t anymore.

Sam it isn’t rubbish, it is very valid and you have every right to post and think and feel how you do with your human response.

I don’t have any answers, I wish I did and I hope someone has some for you.

Are you in the Autism forum? They have a section for parents and carers, which you may well be aware of but if not here is the link below, please note I am not directing you away from here, just making you aware of this which might also be helpful.


Perhaps consider a therapist for your mental health

Vent as much as you need, it is a difficult and thankless balancing situation you are in with two neurodiverse, one with his life blown up in his face and the other blowing off about his equilibrium being blown to pieces and the bi polar on top, not an enviable position to be in your shoes.

Can you get to the crux of your husbands issue with this? does he think this is forever or it will take forever for son to move on? Are there reassurances he can be given that it won’t be forever but there cannot be a deadline on it but there will come the time that son will be ready to stand on his own two feet again? In nuerotypical terms he is being unreasonable but for a neurodiverse the situation is probably unreasonable for some reason. We’re wired differently and can’t always explain or don’t even know what our issue is with something or might need to reason it out and don’t always have control over our reaction/know why we reacted that way, which you probably know anyway.

Thank you for your replies, particularly Breezey - you have made me see the situation from a different perspective . I’m a bit calmer today, but the situation persists.

(FYI I have received extensive counselling which allowed me to accept that ‘it’s not my fault’ but it is still difficult to remember this at times.)

At the end of the day, this is what I have agreed to support him through. I will never fully understand how or why changes cause such catastrophic fall-out, when he had worked for 30 years in a high-pressure, life or death decision-making profession but only now retired, these problems are a daily occurrence?

I am grateful to you all for your insights - that you for taking the time to reply.

So he has retired and come out of an ordered (institutionalised?) work environment into the world which is a minefield.

At work he had a great degree of control and decision making and there would have been logic to it, he could apply reason to the situations, there were protocols, rules etc in place. It was by and large a regimented environment where everyone abided by the law and rules of the workplace.

Outside of that he doesn’t have full control and is exposed to the free will of others and life which is total chaos.
This is a new world and life to him, no order, no control, no logic or reason to it, so perhaps he is trying to create his own order and it has just been burst. I could be totally wrong or it could give you some more insight.

Don’t ask us neurodiverse because we don’t always know why either, we can be just as surprised or puzzled as you over the catastrophic effects, or sometimes that the neurotypicals don’t understand or get it!
One nuerodiverse described life as being like a cat in a world of dogs.

No it isn’t your fault.

Write ten thousand lines - it is NOT my fault

Hello Sam

Firstly, welcome to the forum, you’ve definitely come to the right place to connect with other carers who’ve experienced similar situation. I wanted to take this opportunity to highlight some other ways you can connect with carers, I’m not sure if you are aware but we are currently running a series of online weekly meet ups for carers to get together and chat informally. People say they’ve found it really helpful and supportive and it’s nice to be able to take a little bit of time for yourself. There’s no pressure to share any more than you’re comfortable with. Join up details are here: Online meetups | Carers UK

We are also now running a weekly Share and Learn sessions, where we run a series of fun and relaxed online sessions where visiting speakers who share tips and skills on a range of topics - please have a look at the link and see if one grabs your attention. Share and Learn | Carers UK

Do join if you’d like to, we’ve had a lot of new carers join the sessions recently and it’s a great way to meet other carers.
There is also Carers UK’s helpline should you need advice or support - Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org)

with best wishes