Dementia is Killing My Relationship with Mum

I’m Mums main carer, we have carers in and out to put Mum on the commode.

We have really different sleep cycles, so I get up make Mums coffee breakfast etc. sit with her for a few hours. Then I go back to bed for two hours in time to wake up and get Mums lunch.

Recently Mum just keeps shouting “Alan, Alan, Alan” when I leave her for my two hour nap. Unless I address the issue she just keeps shouting getting louder and louder. Today I asked Mum on four occasions not to shout yet she did and I ended up much to my shame shouting at her.

I feel awful because Mum keeps saying sorry and I keep telling her she can’t be sorry when she’s waking me up on purpose…

I’m guessing this is just dementia end of life behaviour?


Is it possible that Carers can be in when you take your nap? Would this stop her shouting if they distracted her.

I suppose perhaps the carers just dont stay long enough from what I have been reading about the short visits.

We all need our sleep though dont we!

Internet search…

Many seniors with Alzheimer’s or dementia are also dealing with depression. Frequent crying or calling out could be a sign of depression, along with additional symptoms. It’s important to have a doctor evaluate your older adult to find out if they could have depression so they can get proper treatment.

It’s OK to feel the way you do! It’s normal!! You are doing an amazing job. Yes, I say job because it’s is.

My Mum had Alzheimer’s and it got to the inevitable stage where she no longer knew who I was - she recognised me as someone called Sue who she knew, but I wasn’t her daughter Sue. She continually asked to “go home” as her Mum would be worried that she had been out so long (in her mind she was about 12 or 13).

It took me a while to get over my “anger” at being continually called and then asked the same question over and over again. But then I tried to imagine what it must be like for her and I began to realise that having dementia could be likened to being lost in a strange country where you don’t know the language and can’t make yourself understood !

Yes, I still “lost it” at times, but not with her - she wasn’t being difficult on purpose it was the dementia that was the problem.

Hello Alan. You could try giving your mum a clock when you go to have your nap, and telling her that ‘when it gets to 12 O’Clock she can call you’.
Alternatively put some music on for her to listen to or the tv when you go for your kip.
I saw a tv programme recently about dementia and sometimes giving the person a baby doll to hold and cuddle can bring great comfort to someone with dementia. It sounds odd - but it maybe worth a try!

Alan I agree with Karen Dee.
I bought my hubby a dementia clock when he was in the nursing home. He valued it greatly for quite a while until the dementia declined considerably. 2 ladies in the home had dolls. They loved them like babies. Admittedly, when my daughter and myself went to view the home, that quite startled us! Surprising what you start to see as ’ the norm’.

Hello Alan. Has your mum actually had a medical diagnosis of dementia? There is nothing in this thread so far to say that she has; you are just “guessing”. If not, I suggest you organise this through the GP. There are some nice helpful suggestions in this thread but there are also various types of dementia. A proper diagnosis could give you a clearer idea of how to deal.

Mum was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia in June 2018. She’s had two major strokes, 2011 and 2017, the latter crippling her.
It’s nothing to do with timing, Mum has two watches, one speaking and the other she wears.
I’ve recently bought some ear-plugs and it really upsets me when I wake up to hear my name constantly being shouted… I ask Mum not to shout, but I know she will. She doesn’t even know he is doing it.

Alan, you sound exhausted. Could you get some help during the day so you could take a few hours off? Mum has such high care needs.