My mum (81) can no longer cope with my dad at home, she is very close to a break down and admits that she is not always being kind to dad. For them both Dad now needs to cared for away from the home and needs Nursing care.
I have spoken to Dad about doing day care with sleep overs for his own safety but he says he is all right at home thanks. How can I persuade Dad that he needs to go into a nursing home with out telling him that it’s because mum can’t cope? he can be quiet hurtful with his comments towards Mum.
Dads social worker is booked to come and see us in 2 weeks to carry out a needs/financial assessment, but I’m not sure mum can manage till then. Every offer I make (extra day care, my sleeping over, Mum going to a hotel for a break) gets shut down. I don’t know what to do.
We currently have direct payments and have carers most days as well as me proving respit for 2 days a week.
Any advise how to help mum and convince dad that he needs to be cared for away from home please.
Thank you fir the post, it makes very interesting reading.
The issue is that Mum no longer wants Dad at home, being his carer is destroying their relationship and has broken because it it. I have surgested me sleeping over and extra day care days but she just shuts this down and says she doesn’t want any more people in her home. I have surgested changing the dining room into a carers room but she won’t hear of it. Mum wants Dad in a nursing home, she thinks this is the only way and won’t listen to any other ideas. I have tried everything, even going away for the weekends to hotels.
. I’m now feeling resentful towards mum which is heartbreaking as she has been doing an amazing job, the whole situation is heartbreaking and one I know may other are going through.
Unfortunately, there is little can be done. If mum and dad don’t communicate their feelings. When children are expected to get involved and take differing sides depending on the issues etc. The children end up getting all the blame.
You would be better leaving it to an outsider to explain and give worse case scenarios. Our parents find it difficult to except we are now the parent. You will end up in the middle.
I have mother and father in laws in their middle eighties. It took months to get them to send for an attendance allowance form.
To have the council look at installing a wet floor. Their live in the middle of no where. The council will not provide care services because of the remoteness. However, it’s their choice until is near impossible to remain living there.
I know we end up picking up the pieces, This is how it is.
Dad is 81, mum 80.
Dad has vascular dementia, it affects his mobility, cognitive ability and continence. He can be demanding and lack of mobility makes life hard for Mum as she has to do everything.
Mum has been coping with help, we have direct payments so have employed two carers who do a few hours most day, I cover 2 days a week for respite for mum. however mum copes with the night times alone.
It is defiantly in dads best interests to go into nursing care as Mum looses it often and really can no longer cope. I have my own family and ask have to work so can do any more that I do already. Dad just doesn’t understand how difficult it is for his 80 year old wife to nurse him and cater to his needs even with help.
By definition, if dad has dementia it’s no surprise that he doesn’t understand how much mum is affected, because that is the nature of dementia!!
Mum’s wellbeing is equally important, so it’s time she had a formal carers assessment, with you present, and an advocate. To arrange an advocate, just ask social services to arrange a “Care Act Advocate” and they must do so.
Thank you all fro your input and advise, care assessment have been done in the past and direct payments set up for carers, they have been fine with that until the dementia took a down hill turn recently.
Along with my brother we have Poa for Dad so I guess we have to evoc that on his behalf and insist he goes into a nursing home. So sad for every one and it’s going to be so hard, but nessasary.
Thanks again for your advice.
I have been to look at a few nursing homes and have been shocked by how instatuionalised they are. The ones I like are £1200 per week and from what I can gather SS will pay up to £700 per week. The cheapest is £900.00 per week, which is the one I really didn’t like.
The social worker is coming next week so hopefully will explain how this works.
Mum and dad have limited savings together so are under the freshhold I believe, their income is also low enough to get council tax support. They do own their home but I have no idea how e can top up several hundred pound a week with out selling or doing equity release?
Do we have any choice about where my Dad would go?
When I mentioned CHC the home manger just smiled and said good luck with that one!
Is CHC worth pursuing?
Would we still need to top up?
If the cheapest available in the area costs £900, then that is the amount the council must pay. It’s unlawful to set a ceiling that is lower than the lowest place available. It’s also unlawful to ask the client to top up the amount. Relatives should not be asked to top up either.
I have many friends whose elderly parents are placed in good and comfortable nursing homes. They visit their parents very often. There their parents feel very well, they have someone to talk to so they don’t feel alone. Employees in nursing homes take care of the elderly and monitor their health.
Dylan,
visiting relatives and friends in nursing homes is not happening at the moment, unless it is a window visit or the home has a pod or similar. The only exception being if the person is receiving palliative care.