Caring for elderly parent

New to Carers Connect
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I have an elderly 90yr old who’s been admitted to hospital 4 time in the last 12 months, like most senior citizens very independent and refuses intermediate care other than in their own home, no I’m not against that in principle, however there’s an impasse as what support is accepted and when by said relative, this leads to the same spiral of self neglect and readmission to hospital.

I note some comments in the forum that advise you have to be a little " brutal" say it as it is, but where you have a loved one that will not see others points of view you sometimes feel you just have to remove support completely.

I’m not a full time carer, but just one sibling who has that overwhelming sense of duty to ones own parent, however as mentioned by others on this forum, I do have a life outside and kind of wonder what it will take to change mindsets, any ideas on how to get an elderly parent to accept intermediate care outside of the home so said parent can at least get in better shape ready for a “possible” return home?

My relative has had a TIA so short term memory isn’t that good, can never be sure meds have been taken or food eaten, is house bound and will not go out, full of osteoarthritis and gout, plus refuses to co-operate with the care packages in place.

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Hi Terry, it’s an awful situation, with four elderly, frail but very determined parents living locally, my husband and I nicknamed ourselves the Thunderbirds, ready to drop everything at a moment’s notice when the next drama happened. Often just after they’d told Social Services they were “fine” and could manage well without any carers!!

I had two brothers who were always “too busy” to help, and my husband had a sister who did what she could, but lived 40 miles away. Do you have any brothers or sisters?

At one stage they seemed to have an unwritten rota of being ill and in hospital over Christmas!

Who does the cleaning at mum’s?
Would she accept a “cleaner” to do the “heavy work”? (Cleaner just happens to work for a care agency, but don’t say!)
Would she prefer it if she though you were paying, rather than Social Services? (I’m not saying you have to pay, just suggesting a little white lie).
It might be easier for her to accept this arrangement so at least you knew someone was going in regularly and the place was tolerably tidy.
Carers going in three times a day, at odd times, can sometimes be more of a hindrance than a help.
Would one longer visit be easier for mum than 3 shorter visits?
Have Social Services arranged a pendant Lifeline alarm for her?

Unfortunately, the situation will just get worse and worse until something happens to make going home impossible.
In my mum’s case, it was being told her leg might have to be amputated!!!

At mum’s age, some sort of mental impairment is almost inevitable, and will get worse.
Is she claiming Attendance Allowance?
Do you have Power of Attorney? If not sort this out asap, because if she doesn’t give you POA, it’s a long tedious process to do anything else.
I’ve now been involved with the “final affairs” of 6 relatives, and learned a lot along the way.
Try to make sure all mum’s financial papers are together, in order, because at some stage you may have to help mum through a financial assessment for Social Services, or after her death.
I would also recommend thinking about funeral directors, it’s so much easier to consider this sort of thing in advance, than in a rush.

Finally, have Social Services offered you a Carers Assessment? An opportunity to discuss your concerns and see if there is anything they can do to help you in your caring role.

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Who does the cleaning? What about hiring a cleaner to clean the house. Have you asked for a needs assessment or not? The local council can assist you with this. Is she on benefits? Citizens Advice can help with all things benefits.

I keep a medication diary. Basically this is a plain diary in which I jot down all details of my son’s medication such as the suggested dose, time and name in a chart. I also have a list of adverse effects. Maybw you could do the same? I find it helps me remember.