Glad they reacted quickly!
My bro, lives in the west country, says ‘Put me on my surfboard without a wet suit on and point me out to sea on a falling tide’…!
My mum’s home was like a hotel staffed with nurses, there were times that I felt like booking myself in for respite!! Trips out, coffee mornings, speakers to talk on various subjects, even a coffee shop making out it was a beach, complete with sand and bright lights!!!
Interesting discussion as I too, even though my Mum is in a Home, would not want to be in one myself because it would mean I had lost the ability to be independent - something I have fought for since I was 2!
She too was fiercely independent and I am so proud of how well she has adapted. Luckily she went in when she realised it was sensible but now she is just waiting for life to end. She freely says it has gone on too long and she is out living her abilities and her body. This last year has been harder and sadder as she slowly declines.
I hadn’t thought as far as how to go. I might join Jenny’s brother in his surf board! I like that idea. I did try to put my wishes in my POA but they wouldn’t accept it. Apparently it’s illegal 
I’ve tried telling hubby and my appointees what I want but they just say I’m being silly and will change my mind. Sometimes I wish they’d spend time on here.
Sorry if this sounds maudlin, I prefer to think it’s realistic
It’s sad that so many people are living what I call a “half life” - still breathing but not able to enjoy anything that was important to them. My mum had a serious accident in 2004, major surgery followed, and she was never the same again, barely able to walk, relying heavily on a Zimmer. Her life was saved, but there was no quality of life, just quantity.
I’m now going to travel as much as I can before I’m too arthritic to do the things I want to. Hence a Greek Island Hopping holiday with a friend next year! Only affordable as mum left me an inheritance, so I often say a little “Thanks Mum” when I’m doing something special.
Hello - I’m back again and thank you all so much for your valuable advice, both factual and from your own experiences. It took quite a while to read through everything but I found a very lovely nursing home and mum was due to move in yesterday.
Unfortunately she was taken into hospital over the weekend with sepsis and her kidney function has dropped catastrophically and she now has pneumonia, so it’s looking like she won’t actually make it out of the hospital.
Thank you all - I was going to come back and update to (hopefully) say she was settled in a nursing home but sadly not the update I wanted to give
Clare - I’m both sorry to hear that - and ‘not sorry’ if you see what I mean…
Please please please do always bear in mind that IF ‘the time has come’ for your mum to leave this life (and it truly is only ‘if’), then please consider not what she has LOST so much as what she will have been SPARED.
I’m so pleased you found a good care home (they do exist, as I promised you - even if not as prevalent as they should be), and yes, it may be that she recovers to move in.
BUT if she does not, and this now is the end of the line for her, she will, you know, have been spared the inevitable further decline…a VERY long life is not always a blessing, and that is why it may comfort you to think of what she will have been spared, that extreme infirmity of extreme old age.
My poor mother in law died this autumn, and if you could have seen her you would have ‘wished her on her way’ as much as I did - she was in a dreadful state by the time she finally ‘let go’ and I would NOT have wished these last two years of absolute infirmity that she endured, on anyone.
For now, though, keep your vigil by your mum, and make sure you tell her everything that is in your heart. And know that the bond between mother and child can NEVER be broken. Even death can’t break it. Nothing can. Nothing.
Kindest wishes at this time, Jenny
Clare, I know you will have very mixed feelings at this point, I know I did. In the end, mum was so poorly that I had to let her go. When the GP rang me to say that mum was in a lot of pain, I reminded her that I had Health and Welfare Power of Attorney, and pain control, regardless of the consequences, was to be her top priority. I could not have wished mum to live with pain any longer. She passed away the following day, in peace.
Don’t get me wrong, I miss my mum every day.
Now is the time, I’m afraid, to think about which funeral director you will use. I know it’s awful, but it’s even worse doing it when you are newly bereaved.
Remember, this is a forum for fomer as well as current carers. We are here whenever you need us, ask whatever you need to.
If you Google “Signs of Dying” (it’s horrible to type in those letters) there are some excellent articles written by people who have worked in hospices. They explain how the body gradually shuts down, and why you should never force food or drink into a patient reaching the end of life.
They are not dying because they are starving or thirsty, they don’t need as much food or drink because the failing body cannot process much food or water.
Thank you both of you for your kind and helpful words. Mum passed away last night in hospital. She had a peaceful, pain free and relatively swift passing for which I am very thankful. I know others aren’t so “lucky”. I was very pleased with the funeral directors that we used for my dad so will probably use those ones again.
Thank you
(((HUGS))) Clare, mum is at peace now.
This is a forum for former carers, as well as current carers. If there is anything we can help with in the coming months, just ask.
I’m afraid DWP will in due course send you a very letter demanding repayment of some pension.
For the next couple of weeks just focus on what MUST be done before the funeral, anything else can wait. It’s a strange time, with many conflicting feelings.
Hugs ((( Clare)))
Glad it was a peaceful passing. Take time to look after yourself now.
I’m glad her end came peacefully, and so sad as it is, like I said, I hope you can find some comfort in knowing what she was spared - including the upheaval of having to move into a care home perhaps.
This is a time now for reflection and memory. Don’t be ‘hustled’ by what I call ‘the paperwork of death’. Nearly everything can be dealt with ‘a bite at a time’.
Registering the death is the first essential step, and it is bound to be emotional for you. (On a slight ‘practical’ note I would recommend that you buy multiple copies of the certificate at the time of registration, and if you can, tot up ‘now-ish’ just how many you are likely to need. Absolutely ‘everyone’ seems to want one - banks, DWP, etc etc. They send them back when they have done with them, but it can take a while to circulate back round again.
I’m currently doing this for my poor MIL who, sadly, really lived at least ‘two years too long’…those last two years of her life were very bleak indeed, and I wish she had been spared them. But, like your mum, she is now at peace, her ‘ordeal’ over.
Kindest wishes at this time, Jenny
My condolences Clare, and please don’t hesitate to post again. Once a carer always a carer.
Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I remember a lot from having to deal with things when my dad died but that was over 7 years ago so I expect I will have forgotten some. Some bits will probably have changed and some not at all no doubt.
I will be on the look out for letters from DWP and be prepared. Mum had only just been awarded Attendance Allowance so no doubt they’ll want spme of that back too.
I am ok - had a tearful morning yesterday. The lovely nursing home (who had been holding mum’s room for her without charge when I thought she might recover enough to still be discharged there) phoned with a lovely message and condolences, which I thought was nice of them considering we hadn’t even become clients or paid them any money.
All my family phone calls are done ( I asked aunties on either side to spread the word) and I just needed to phone 3 or 4 of mum’s closest friends. I’ve booked an appointment at the funeral directors on Monday to get things going, as there are family members who will need to travel for the funeral and I’m guessing we’ll most likely need to be booking into the New Year now
My mum died just after Christmas and there was a backlog at the crematorium for bookings. It meant that everything was well organised, rather than being a rush, so you can hopefully be kind to yourself now. If sleeping is a problem, ask your GP for something gentle to help. I had Amitryptilene, didn’t need to take it every night, just when I felt very stressed. I found a whole tablet was too much, but bought a pill cutter, and just half the lowest dose was enough. Although I’m larger than average, I know my body is very sensitive to most medication…including alcohol!!
My recommendation is diazepam - again, as BB says, you just take it ‘as and when’ you feel especially low (it is addictive, so they only prescribe it for occasional use - I use it to get me across the Atlantic on long-haul!!!).
You can also crush pills between two teaspoons, back to back (spooning, literaly ha ha), and then only take half the powder, if they are hard to cut in half.
Take your time over funeral planning - sadly, things will ‘delay’ and ‘back up’ over the holiday period. But these days the gap of time (if you are not Muslim or Jewish!) can be quite extended between death and funeral, so don’t feel rushed or pressured.
All I can warn about crematoria is don’t bother to leave any flowers there in a ‘chapel of peace’ or ‘garden of rememberance’ or whatever. They pile up and get chucked. Honestly, if anyone wants a hack for free cut flowers, go and help yourself from the compost bins at a crem! Full of LOVELY bouquets and arrangemetns still perfectly fresh - that cost a fortune! Such a waste.
I was told the flowers could be sent to mum’s nursing home. As if residents want to be reminded it might be their turn next!!!
Oh my, yes, a bit ‘tactless’!
Thank you again. I am ok actually re the sleeping - I’ve had a couple of sleepless nights but generally not too bad so I don’t think I need anything to help at this stage. I’ve had a quick look on the crematorium website where they show the services and there’s really nothing until week of 7th Jan so I’m expecting it to be then. I have family (mum’s brother) who have to travel - not a huge distance but a good couple of hours, and obviously a similar age to mum so 80+ so I’m also keen to try and get a fairly middle of the day slot too if I can so they don’t have a too early start of a too late finish !
Yes sending the flowers to a nursing home does seem a little tactless - I’m going to say family flowers only but, to be honest, I don’t think there will be lots of us there. Most of mum’s friends are equally frail/ill or if they aren’t themselves they have frail partners who they are looking after.
If you don’t want too many flowers, ask people to make a donation to a charity of your choosing, one that your mum would have liked to have supported perhaps?
Flowers are lovely - but so temporary and fleeting. You also have the option on interring the ashes at the crem itself, and possibly planting a rose or whatever shrub your mum would like? Or bring the ashes home and do likewise in the garden?
You don’t need any speedy decision on that. The crem will keep ashes for a while, however, but not indefinitely, so bear that in mind. I believe their ‘default’, if relatives not take the ashes within a certain time, is to scatter them themselves in their own garden of rememberance.
It’s good in a way you have the Christmas and New Year period so you don’t have to ‘rush’ into any funeral.
It will be a strange, emotional Christmas, so go easy on yourself. Glad that sleeping isn’t a problem.