Being made to feel that I have no say in the matter anymore

All about caring
1

HI all, I am in a right mess and state and don’t feel like I have the say in the matter at home anymore or who to speak too about it as I have been made to feel I have no voice but also things have been taken out of my hands.

My dad was sent into hospital this time due to having very little movement in his legs and the legs were buckling, he fell yet again. (NO ONE IS SURE WHY) which I am glad as they might find a reason why he is slowing up and falling most of the time.
HE WAS LEFT FOR 15 HOURS BEFORE ANY HELP FROM THE NHS ARRIVED.

So it me and mum (who has mental health issues) on our own.
Yes the house is still a bit of a mess which was getting done, not left but help was offered and we did take it thinking it a good thing to give me a hand but also a break but it’s not, more stress than anything. I am having to keep a eye on what goes out as if I don’t the wrong thing will go and they are like billy whizz. I have tried twice to stop it but all I am told that the safeguarding team will get involved which I don’t want as we could lose the house or made to let this company finish the job via a court order! parents could end up in care which they don’t want and neither do I.

Yes they have helped a bit but want to stop it for the moment due to not knowing what is fully happening with dad but also it is causing to much stress.With mum having a go at me with everything from blame,intermerdaing me, to the point I am in tears and can’t speak or ask for help. but the threat is back to the safeguarding team. what I don’t want is that we get it done and something has to change like what has happen in the passed where things have had to been moved and left until it can be sorted. (This is part of the trouble over the house mess)
Access downstairs is much better with only 2 rooms to sort which I am trying to think where to put things where it not going to be classed as just being dumped.
Original it was just for downstairs to be sorted than upstairs due to my parent safety from coming down the stairs even on a stair lift as mum does sleepwalk but also can forget that the chair is there and could go either over the banister or the stair lift. And due to dad medication and mobility that it is easier to get access to him from down stair than upstairs but also easier access to the toilet. we agreed for downstairs but it seems like that upstairs has been put in for which we did say we wanted to leave it at present. ( did sign a document saying what we wanted done) If upstair has got to be done, I have suggested someone else who had start to help me to clean but was stop due to this company helping but trusted her more than this company due to pass help with other parties trying to help but were more like vultures and things went, it cost us more in replacing them e.g clothes.
we did try a bed downstairs but did not work out so they are sleeping in the chairs which they are happy for at present.

I have told my dad what is going on and he is not happy but now unable to speak to him as the ward is not answering the phone, I am going to email the pals and explain we are not trying to be a pain to the ward or dad but I am stuck and need advice. I know something can’t be sorted out till monday.

I can’t speak to my social worker from the carers centre as he is on about the safe guarding team all the time if I don’t let this firm in or finish the job.

I have tried the mental health team out of hours for help with mum but the don’t want to help or do SWEET FA and don’t want to know.
Don’t want to try the emergency as they had and have put referrals in to social service about the house. but is more accessible now down than up into the rooms. the stairs is clear but just the bedrooms to sort out. BUT ALL BEING TOLD WE ARE WASTING THEIR TIME!

I did try mum social worker last week but no joy going to try again next week.

I don’t know if legal advice can help on this matter?

can’t even call or get my mates to help even stay there for a bit.

WHAT CAN I DO PLEASE HELP

2

I don’t have any experience or suggestions for you,

Could you organise clothes etc so that they are not touched by the teams?

or tell them at the door that you do not want to prevent their work but you have concerns about losing clothes and having to buy them again and ask how you can work together with them on this.

They obviously have their instructions and time limit for the job.

3

Oh dear, this sounds hard,
I guess things will be hard for a while.
I hope there comes a time soon when things calm down
can you take photos to document the upheaval.
That might help later when you are processing things,
Warm wishes.

4

Who exactly are the people doing this work???
What you describe sounds terrible. People with no respect for you whatsoever.
This is NOT helpful. Did they explain how they would work? Kitchen first, bathroom next or?
Is it more than one person? That’s too much.
How can you visit dad in hospital, care for mum and be involve in sorting what YOU want sorting??

Honestly, I’d refuse to allow them access until there is an AGREED plan of action, done at a respectful pace.

1 Like
5

I have put labels on things not to go etc or not to touch but they don’t listen. There is no time limit really as they had their money but been told they can take their time. I have sorted out clothes who they belong too, and got them into bags at present but they have taken them out of those bags and repeated what I have done already and told them that. Habitat joy is the company and there is no joy in it, I can tell you. I sort of got a reprieve on it being 1 person than 3/4 but still got to keep a eye on things. yes things were agreed where to do and to ask us but does not happen, I am going around to check what and where things have been put as I nearly lost a new dish washer from having a spanner put in to be clean,lucky I checked before it was started. where I had put items that could be in easy reach for my parents, that has all change with me being the only one to reach items like a cup from the top shelf than the lower one. upstairs is being left at the moment with me making sure the stairs is cleared.

I am unable to visit dad due to a rise in covid cases in my area but keep in touch via his mobile and he is not please, the time I am being given. With regards mum, she has been offered a place in respite but does not want to go as the place does have people with dementia and last time she was there she was glad to be home.

I am keeping the door lock and opening it unless I have to at the moment. I did managed to get everyone to back off when I threaten legal action but also pointed out to them that upstairs was not to be touch unless the doctors want dad to be upstairs but the way he is and mum , that it safer for them downstairs even though some health people say we should be in bed but we are happier doing our own thing.

6

Do not put things in bags for them to reopen in this case. YOU tell them where they are allowed to work, is kitchen first and ONLY let them work there. When that is done, TELL them which room to do next. Agree an area where you will put items to be taken out of the house. A corner of the hall by the front door, for example. However who is looking after mum while you are helping the cleaner?

7

I had to help mum sort out a lot of her stuff to make it easier for her to move round the house with a Zimmer frame. Mum had way too much stuff, but didn’t want to part with any of it. My solution was to get some large Really Useful Boxes and some garage Racking. (Rapid Racking). We put things that she didn’t need in the boxes, labelled them, and then put them in her garage. Mum was happy that she still had them, but had more room in the house.

However, her real problem was that her large house had very little storage. I live in a cottage, there was no storage her at all. My husband ued to joke that for every year we lived here I got him to put up some more shelving!! A bit of an exaggeration but we do have lots of shelving, some in each room, because we had different hobbies that needed shelves for either books, or models.

I also have some enormous wardrobes. My eldest son doesn’t really like them, but accepts that they are so useful, not just for hanging clothes in - in my bedroom, but the ones in my grandson’s bedroom (originally mine before my car accident) hold Lego, family photos, slides, etc.

As you mention putting stuff you want to keep in bags, is your real problem lack of proper storage? Pine wardrobes have gone out of fashion and can be found cheaply on ebay, as they are pine they can easily be converted into cupboards with extra shelves added.
Everything you want to keep needs to have a home of it’s own, a box, cupboard, or chest of drawers.
There are always good chests of drawers on ebay, in the local paper, Gumtree etc.
Larger older chests take huge amounts of stuff.

However, if many duplicates of the same item are the issue, then can you get mum involved more?
To give an example, if she cannot go out much, is this reflected in her clothing?
No point in having lots of coats if she seldom goes out, for example. Put all her coats together, maybe on her bed, and then ask her to choose the ones that she likes most, are newest, are tattiest, then put the others in the agreed place for the cleaner to deal with.

8

This sounds like a really difficult situation for you but as far as I’m aware, you can’t be put into care for refusing someone entry who isn’t doing what was agreed. It’s not meant to be a way to trick you into accepting help and they shouldn’t be threatening you like this - it doesn’t build a culture of trust, which is absolutely what the three of you need. If they cause such distress in the first days then you’re highly unlikely to let them complete the job. Who organised it specifically? I would concentrate on getting hold of them, or the next person up the line so you can explain how you see things and how you feel you would be better off with the person you trust and put them in touch with each other. As others have said, storage is the key and can help to stop things getting problematic again; when you have a vessel that can only hold so much stuff you have to make decisions - if you acquire another tea cup but your cup cupboard is full, something else has to come out. I learned this from Daily Deslobification BlogCast - Dana K. White: A Slob Comes Clean and I found her methods and rationale really helpful.

If they insist on it being this team they have instructed then can they only come on days when you can sit with them while they sort? If you can all work together rather than risking breaking the relationship beyond salvage then it’s better for everyone.

I hope you can get something sorted that suits everyone.