Worrying about my lack of compassion

__Hello…two years ago my husband’s parents moved in with us…today we live with just my husband’s Dad…(his wife passed last year ages 96)…I am finding it hard, after two years of ‘serving’ to feel anything positive about having my father-in-law in our home…I have two teen-age children…our day to day lives are determined by his needs…my husband and I haven’t been out for a date for two years…and I feel constantly guily for wishing my Father inlaw to die…to enable us to live again…he is 95 and bed ridden…and complains lots…looking for some inspiration as I feel so stuck…thank you… Chris

Hello Christine. I know exactly how you feel,iam a 54 year old male looking after my 93 year old father.i get so upset reading your story(I often feel my life would be better if he died.few friends now,no partner now(he should have been in care/home many years ago(I just live day to day now).dont get upset/quilty!(it’s normal,and more common than you think. Ian (north east)

Ian (north east) me and ex partner were going to get house together (with father),I wasn’t be fair to partner doing this,in hindsight now(I’m to much of a people pleaser)might sound blunt this…should you and your husband/kids discussed putting them both in home care years ago? this is not being fair on you is it?.dont be to hard on yourself Christine.ian

Thank you Ian for your words…it’s so helpful to hear that I shouldn’t feel guilty…am continually trying to support my husband as he is the main caregiver and his Dad doesn’t want to go into a home…we couldn’t afford it anyway…I dread the times that I’m on my own in the house with his Dad…walkie talkie by my side ready to serve his needs…I’ll keep taking deep breaths in the knowledge that this won’t be forever.

Hi Christine,

welcome to the forum.

I suggest reading The Selfish Pig’s Guide to Caring: How to Cope with the Emotional and Practical Aspects of Caring for Someone by Hugh Marriott

Please don’t be put off by the title.

Does your husband feel the same as you? If your FIL is now bedridden, his needs may be better met in a nursing home where he would have 24 hour care. If he is constantly complaining living at your house it sounds as if he would be no less happy elsewhere. It might not be what he wants, but the current situation isn’t what you all want either.

The cost of him having care in a nursing home should not be covered by yourselves, either FIL will have sufficient funds to pay for his own care or he may be eligible for Continuing Health Care or social care funding.


Thank you so much for the book suggestion Melly…I will definitely get hold of it…my husband says we and my FIL aren’t eligible for social care…had a long chat with my husband today about the importance of validating my feelings…have been scared of my deep negativity re FIL…and have been reading about carer fatigue…harshness and harbouring negative feelings/thoughts about people are so not me…my husband is glad I’ve found this forum…and so am I…deep breaths I guess…one day at a time…

Hope the book helps, Christine.

Even if FIL isn’t eligible for free social care (because he has savings over £23, 500 or thereabouts) continuing health care is not means tested as is also worth investigating.