Very low today and need to vent

Carers' health and wellbeing
1

Have been quietly crying today and feel dreadful. I bumped into a friend today outside my house and she was just off to a knitting group in a cafe. She is also off on holiday tomorrow. I kept a brave face on but welled up when I got indoors. Both things I used to do!

I am just fed up with caring, washing, cleaning, driving, gardening, cooking, not being able to just go out when I want to, never just waking up with no worries. I know my husband has things 100 times worse after his two strokes but I keep thinking this is my life for what’s left of it now.

I would love to just wake up worry free and just get in the car and go out and do what I want.

19 Likes
2

I hear you. I’m sorry you’re feeling so low, tearful and dreadful today, and wishing life was different. I have definitely been there many times too.

It’s hard being a carer, isn’t it? Repetitive chores. The lack of spontaneity.

Do you ever get respite: time to yourself? I don’t know your situation. But I know this is a safe space to vent and get things off your chest.

Is there something you could do today to treat yourself? Even just a few minutes outdoors and breathing in the fresh (hopefully) air. It’s a bit cooler here today thankfully. Wishing you well.

7 Likes
3

I’m so sorry to hear you’re low. You have a lot to cope with. Can you go out for a 10 min walk just to get away if only for a short while? Sending big hugs :people_hugging: your way.

6 Likes
4

Oh Penny im sorry. We all have days when caring weighs heavy on us. Yes your husband has things tough physically because of the changes following his strokes, but dont negate the impact that has on your physical and mental health as well.

You cant be an effective carer for him, if you yourself have no reserves. That looks different for everyone but it may be going for a walk or to the knitting group etc.

Perhaps start off by just going to sit in the garden for a bit and feel the sun on your face. If you/husband arent used to you being gone then you might need to build up slowly to going out for a coffee.

Is it possible to outsource some of those household chores even if its just temporarily to give you a bit of breathing space. Some people take on laundry to make a bit of extra money, or take it do a laundrette and do it all in one go. Could you get a cleaner on, just to do a deep clean or a maintenance clean. Meal deliveries like gousto or hello fresh are popular, or do some ready meal weeks just for a change.

Perhaps you can get a carers companion for a few hours so you can go out and do what you want.

In the midst of everything its hard to see the wood for the trees . Many of us have or are where you are now and only you know the best way forward for your situation but we will be here for support or hugs or just for you to vent

9 Likes
5

@Penny I can endorse what @BeccaP said about trying to get time where you can, at least partly, switch off for a short time. I am one of those who had reached the cliff edge and my reserve tank was on Empty! It was not something which happened suddenly, it gradually crept up and I could feel it yet struggled to do anything about it because, like most others, I was Caring through Love.

My sleep pattern was wrecked; I was not going out anywhere with friends; I was doing NOTHING for me; my entire focus was on Graham. A good thing, but looking back, I failed to think of ME. Even my GP told me when he phoned the day after Graham died, that if my Caring role had not ended, I would have been hospitalised - or worse - very soon.

We are so close to the issue we often cannot see the effect of Caring on ourselves and it takes very strong, very close, friends to actually get through to us with a warning we will take onboard.

My only outlet was dog walks, morning walk was by 6am so that G was still asleep and I knew I had up to an hour alone with Buster and my thoughts. On return home I went straight into flat out Caring and didnt stop til late evening when G was safe in bed again.

It’s SO easy to get set in a routine which gradually destroys you.

This is not meant to be a horror story or “oh woe is me” tale, but just to point out you are not alone and to give gentle advice to TRY to make time for yourself. I got our lovely Carer Steve in one hour three times a week to begin. When we began to talk about G being discharged from hospital I raised the issue of increasing Steve’s hours and G said ‘we can’t afford it’ to which I replied ‘we can’t afford NOT to’ as I knew how close I was to collapse.

I HATED it when people gave me advice, because few of them had a clue what I actually did - so I know what it’s like, but please do consider YOU.

:people_hugging:

5 Likes
6

Well done for speaking up, You’re a star.

You don’t need tissues, you don’t need tea and sympathy YOU NEED SUPPORT! YOU NEED TO VENT!

Please don’t apologise or feel guilty for having feelings. It’s not your fault.

I have to put the onus right at the door of local social services managers in every area of England. It’s their job to have our backs but they refuse.

They pretend to offer support to carers through carers assessments (carers act 2014) and funding of charities to ‘support’ carers.

They - Adult Social Services - just want to keep us quiet, keep us in our box so to speak whilst telling us what a great job of supporting us they are doing.

Stand up and be counted. Make noise.

Carers’ Lives Matter

4 Likes
7

@Penny sorry you’re having a hard time. Is there a family member who could come and sit with your husband so at least you could go to the knitting group. Or anyone that could help with all the domestic jobs either someone you know. Or someone paid to come and help you .or at least sit with your husband so you could go to the group even that would help and give you abit of a break .with adult social services it depends on income and savings as I’m sure you know. I hope you are having a better day today.take care.

1 Like
8

@Penny , sorry you feeling low. I am too but, for different reasons. Been a lone carer is difficult. I did it for over 30+yrs. If you have family members or other friends, see if they can help. Give you some respite. Or ask the local care services about respite care. People on here can help too. Try Carers UK main page to look at information on the subject.

2 Likes
9

Hi Penny

Thank you so much for having the courage, and honesty, to share how you are feeling. I’m so sorry that life is so hard for you.

I too am a newbie to this forum, and this is my first post. I cannot say how much of a relief it was to discover this forum…reading about fellow Carers struggling with with similar things to me helped me to feel a little bit more supported, and a little bit less isolated.

My wife has been unable to work for 19 years due to chronic mental health. I gave up working in 2016 to become her full time Carer. Since then, sadly her mental health has continued to deteriorate to the point where we have become almost housebound. I feel lonely and isolated much of the time.

Like many of the other posters, I certainly recognise and can empathise with your struggles. I too am so exhausted from the endless monotony of daily caring, the loss of freedom and social contact.

As you allude to, it is also the very real pain of knowing family and friends are “out there” living life and enjoying social activities, while we are stuck, toiling away caring every day.

Please be assured that you are not alone.

I just wanted to share a simple idea that really doesn’t take much time, and hopefully might help you to feel a little better…if only for a few moments.

Some of the comments suggest spending a little time in the garden, which is a great idea. There is a small thing I try to do each day (weather permitting!).

Each morning I take rubbish out to the bins. When I have done that, I make a point of pausing in our small garden. I close my eyes, slowly breathe in and out while counting to 10, and I try to become very mindful of my surroundings.

In particular, I make a deliberate point of trying to become aware of the sounds I can hear. This might be the rumble of traffic in the distance, trains travelling far away, bees buzzing, birds chirping, planes flying over.

It doesn’t last long, and it certainly doesn’t lessen my difficulties. But it does help to spend a few precious moments trying to take my focus off my caring burden, and instead very intentionally trying to be aware of my surroundings and to focus on other things.

You may not find it helpful, but I would definitely encourage you to at least try it.

Wishing you all the very best
Matt

9 Likes
10

Morning Matt and welcome to the forum. Nice sentiments in your post.

I am luckky to have a dog so I have to take him for a walk every morning and since I was a f/t Carer this became a habit at 6am. Even now I don;t have to - he expects his 6am walk. I always used that time as a ‘break’ for me and to simply switch off, as little as I could. Like you I spend a bit of time letting the sounds of nature and other sounds around me, slowly sink in and it helps ground me again, no matter what else is going on. Not easy to do, but once you practice the technique, it can be helpful.

btw - Nice Screenname !

4 Likes
11

Morning Chris

Many thanks for your welcome, and kind words.

Yes, pets can be so beneficial for our mental and physical wellbeing. I’m glad that your dog encourages (requires!) you to have a walk, take a break, and appreciate nature.

We sadly lost our pet cat in March, after having him almost 18 years. He was an absolute star…he was almost 19 when we lost him (well above normal life expectancy), and survived around 4 years with diabetes (again, well above average).

Our precious boy helped us both cope so much with our isolation and lack of contact. We are so grateful for his long life with us, but we miss him terribly.

Glad you appreciated the screen name :slight_smile:

Take care
Matt

4 Likes
12

Our previous dog died just before Christmas 3 1/2 years ago. He had saved Graham’s life so was really special to us. Lasted 10 weeks before we got Buster who is so calm and chilled its amazing. I couldn’t have dealt with the last seven months without him (Graham died in Dec)

Do keep trying to get out and spend just those precious few minutes of tranquility. I hate the expression “being one with nature” and prefer ‘feel what is around you’.

2 Likes
13

Thanks to everybody who replied. It really helped. After a good old cry by myself whilst pretending to be upstairs cleaning I pulled myself together. Yesterday we had to go for husband’s hospital appointment (eyes) so we left earlier, did some shopping and got some lunch. Not been too bad today.

6 Likes
14

@Penny hiya penny glad today has not been to bad for you and you were able to have some lunch out. Sometimes things just build up don’t they. I hope the rest of the week is not to bad for you either. Have a nice day tomorrow and take care.

1 Like
15

I’m glad today’s been a bit better for you.

2 Likes
16

Caring is so much more than people realise. For those who have never experienced it they cant understand the frustrations and worry it can cause. i spent 7 years as a full time carer for my late mother and i feel your current frustrations, my sister is currently experiences the constant worries of caring you are with her husband who has cancer and also strokes. so am sending love and best wishes and really hope you can find that little bit of time just for yourself.

2 Likes
17

@1Peter5v7 , I ended up been a carer (until recently) for 30+yrs. I feel your frustration.

1 Like
18

Feel for you, Penny. I know exactly what you mean.

I get by OK most days but every now and again it just hits home. My old life has completely gone and it isn’t returning. It is often triggered by someone else telling me what they are doing (and of course, not realising the impact that their words might have.) It’s not jealousy; just a deep sense of loss and a lack of hope.

Glad you have had better days since.

3 Likes
19

Penny, I’m very worried about you. What would help you most?

Before discharge, did the hospital arrange an NHS Continuing Healthcare Assessment for you?Carers Assessment for you? A Needs Assessment for your husband? Has there been any sort of “follow up” since discharge? You desperately need to have a bit of social life to switch off from caring. I’m mindful of your daughter’s issues too.

2 Likes
20

Hi

Many thanks for your empathy and encouragement.

Spending 30+ years as a Carer is an extraordinary commitment, sacrifice, and achievement.

Now that you are no longer caring I dearly hope that you are able to rest well, and to have some incredibly well-deserved time for yourself.

Take care

Matt

2 Likes