Hello everyone
Hi I am Helen. I am new here!
I came across this forum whilst googling ‘support for kids who have to put their parents in care’. I am not a kid! I am 55! Long story short, following several admissions over the last 6 months to A&E from falls in his alarm-controlled apartment (and discharges back home with packages of care) my 86yo Dad was discharged to residential/respite care just after New Year having spent Xmas in a community hospital following another fall at home.
We are now in March, he is still in that residential care setting (and now paying for it) and it is looking likely that he will now stay there. A common scenario I guess?
He has not got dementia but is very frail, needs two carers to hoist him out of bed each day,
The next bit is about me. Sorry. I am finding it hard to come to terms with all this. Especially as I have not been able to see him to discuss it all with him (hopefully late this week I will get my ‘allocated slot’ under the new rules). Dad is 90% deaf so it will be really difficult to have a life-changing conversation with him with a mask on, but fingers crossed! I always carry a notepad around with me!
Guess I am just looking for a place where there might be other people struggling with the transition from home to care home with their parents? If I am in the wrong place, any signposting to other forums or parts of this site would be really appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to let me introduce myself and my situation
Hi & welcome Helen
You are no putting your Dad into care. Your Dad’s physical health has meant he needs residential care. You role is making sure where your Dad resides is the best place for him. You have now become his advocate.
Your Dad might surprise you and may be happy to stay where he is. Until you have that conversation.
life-changing conversation
Turn that around yes it’s different it’s about being in a safe place. And having his care needs met.
Conversation should start with…
How are things Dad? What do you like most of being in here. Try not to talk about dislikes focus on positives.
Hi Helen
I’m new here too. My dad is in respite care home. They think he has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. My mam still lives in their house but she is pining for him and is not taking care of herself. She says she wishes she was dead as she can’t face all the financial implications. Foolishly they had left the house in dads name only and she’s concerned.that all the value of the house will be eaten up 
I’m having a hard time as I feel like I am losing both my parents. I’m 53.
Jane
Have the council done a formal financial assessment?
As mum is still living in the house, and is presumably over 60, then I’m sure that the value should be totally disregarded.
The fact that the house is in his name alone does not mean that it belongs to him 100%. “Behind the curtain” it may belong to them each 50%, although that would depend on the individual case. As BB says, this needs to be formally established (if it is a problem).
I reclaimed £8,000 from Hampshire CC because they had wrongly assessed mum.
Unfortunately for them I know the rules very well, and they didn’t follow any of them.
The senior manager insisted that I’d signed a contract, I knew I hadn’t. (I’ve studied contract law at degree level, so I’m very wary of signing anything, but they hadn’t even contacted me, with POA, about signing anything!)
Social workers generally have a very poor understanding of the rules and regulations and especially poor about anything related to finances. I even met one who refused to count!! They also have what I will kindly describe as a “selective memory” and “forget” that they must do a financial assessment before any charges are made.
Too often, they tell concerned relatives that if someone owns property they are responsible for their own care, before any assessments are done.