Hi im 46 have always lived with mum and dad and me and mum were more like best friends always together, I was always helping her from a young age, and I have epilepsy and manic depression myself then I became carer for mum, im youngest of 7 I was always being called for something I wasn’t like some teens I wasn’t a rebel I wasn’t one for getting in trouble and drinking and sneeking out to clubs etc wasn’t me but siblings still found so.ething to blame me for. Well in january 2021 one of my brothers was told he had cancer he had a symptomless cancer he hadnt had any symptoms nothing he passed away October 2021 I couldnt really grieve for him as mum and dad needed me be strong. Then 9mth later july 2022 I lost mum she had heart attack that just broke me i just wanted to be with her but dad needed me to be strong for him as it was only me really who qas bothered about him. Mum wanted me to fo all the bills and sort money out as she said i was only one that she could trust to do it and make sure dad is ok. After mum passed the others just turned there backs on him and me actually which i wasn’t surprised but thought they’d be here for there father, my eldest sister let’s say mum use to say she was jealous of me but think its more hate really that she just wants to inflict so much pain onto me, she told the others allsorts of lies few I have heard are thst i hated parents that mum was on verge of throwing me out that ive stole from them that I was telling people I was treated like a slave that id got dad indebt but none of it is true but let’s say shes good at getting people to believe her and all others did except dad he said i knew your mum better than any of you and i know she would never have thrown you out, so it was just me and dad until November 2025 when i lost him too, and none of them where that bothered, even people who aren’t family but know me ive had people cross the road before they will walk pass me now in the street because they believe what there hearing from so called family. Within 2 weeks of dad passing i had council here after the house saying i cant have tenancy and in goung have to move out ive lived here all my life 46yrs i have been fighting them instead of grieveing for dad and counsellor said its like im grieving for brother and mum aswell as i couldnt really grieve when they passed as I needed be strong. The council now are practically blackmail me saying normally if u leave anything in house the council charge you for disposal but if you agree to take this bungalow then they will dispose of everything you leave for free. But what i find hurtful and upsetting is i tried to make start on some of the packing a box the other day and part way through my brain had a epileptic fit and I had to stop I put a post on my Facebook explaining things and asking if anyone could come to house to just help me pack some boxes and not one offered all i got was one that said get British heart foundation come they’ll take things but thats not what I want they wont comeband pack boxes will they they will take furniture yes but they wont come yo house and help me pack things that I want to keep. Im struggling and no one cares trying to explain things is just causing me get worked up more I do not want people to come to take things away i want people to be here with me to help pack some boxes now how hard is that. That stupid woman from council says “well what about asking your family they might help” i mean has she heard anything i have said about them i said no there is too much water under bridge for that, i mean come on as far as there concerned i dont exist now last time I had any contact from them was when we buried dads ashes end of January. Im sorry for long post and im sorry for what im about to say but I dont think I cant take much more i have tried to be strong but I cant carry on dont bother saying about getting help because I asked for mental health help before and I couldnt get any. But if you expect me to be in tears every day and feel so lonely and have no one who wants to bother with for what years i have left im sorry but I cant do that, i never ever thought that I was hated and despised so much by everyone family and so called friends I would sooner be with mum and dad than live the rest of my life like that, i just want some true honest genuine people who will help me but looks like that is asking too much.
Hi @AlisonNoMates So pleased you have found this website. I’m sure you will get a lot of support. Family situations are so complicated and it always looks like one person gets left to do the hard work. Your love for your mum and dad was why you did it. Remember that you were very loved by them too. It’s very hard when you have to move house in these circumstances. Is it a nice area you are going to and a nice bungalow. Remember mum and dad will move with you in your heart. I do think you are also maybe depressed on top of grieving. Have you contacted Cruse in your area they can get you someone to come and help you and it’s usually someone in a similar situation and age. I know there is a wait but it helped me. Just wondering about maybe any church groups round you or maybe a Women’s Institute that may have people willing to come and help you pack. It’s very hurtful you got no replies. So many only think of themselves.
The bungalow could be a new start for you would it take you away from the people who have been told lies. I think that’s your family trying to ease their conscience by slurring you.
@Charlesh47 @bowlingbun @Teddybear I’m sure will have some wise info and Teddybear has lost both her parents and misses then so much. She too had a very close relationship
Thr bungalow isnt that far only maybe 5/10min walk from mine. I just keep thinking it should have been me who died not my brother he had a son and partner but I didnt have anything like that no kids etc and at least I would have been away from all this free and at peace and when mum and dad passed they would have come to me, I know its not nice to say it, but what peace are mum ans dad in now having to see me like this every day. My dad use to say that sometimes the worse sort if person you are the more your thought off, and im beginning see he was right. I looked at cruse but they said there not taking any new ones at moment. Im sure and I will always say it there was someone when I was born put curse or something on me to say she has to not have any luck she has to be punished at every turn
Welcome to the forum. It’s a shame you’ve only just found us.
My mum and dad were ill for many years. Brothers and their families “too busy” to help but expected an inheritance with indecent haste. Mum had changed her will so I had most of her money. I haven’t seen anyone since mum’s funeral 10 years ago! Sod the lot of them. You need to focus very clearly on making your life in future so much better. You are very lucky that you have been offered a bungalow. Some people have ended up having to sleep rough after a parent died.
You MUST get organised.
Get a notepad and write down what you have to do.
Accept the bungalow, if you haven’t already.
Do you have any money or income?
Start putting stuff you don’t want on Freecycle or Marketplace.
Is there a local carers group?
Ask your GP to write a letter to the council asking for a delay in moving as you are ill.
I cleared mum’s front room and everything in there was for sale. You could put stuff you don’t want in your front garden with a FREE notice - but make sure the house is secure and insured. Then I ordered a skip to put rubbish in. You are lucky the council will deal with your leftovers for free. Gradually put what you want to take with you in one room and get a Man and Van to move it. When my brain damaged son moved, I got the removal company to pack. A whole flat in half a day. Find out what it would cost you. Don’t worry about Cruse or anything similar, just concentrate on getting you to your new home, then new life.
I’ll be back later.
Forgot to ask, do you have a job?
No theyve said ive limited working so theyve kept me on universal credit. I know iy sounds horrible thing to say but It should have been me who had gone not my brother he had son and partner but I havent got any if them i just dont see any future for me its how im feeling im sorry
@AlisonNoMates welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you are going through all of this. The first thing that I would do is contact your local mp with Regards to the house and see if you defiantly have to leave and move to this bungalow.you will be able to get there phone number and email address of the internet if you email write at the top of the email Urgent so that they are aware it is, then explain you have lived there all your life with your mum and dad. That they have both passed away and that the council won’t let you take on the tenancy ask him if this is correct. Do you want to stay in the house or do you want to start a new chapter in your life in a new place. If you want to stay in the house and he thinks you may be able to stay in the house .then ask him to fight the council in staying there and getting the tenancy.
Second I would ring your local citizens advice bureau. If you cannot find the name and email address of your local MP they will know it. So then ring them first. Explain the situation to them they know lots about a lot of things will mostly likely know about council tenancies.so speak to them to . If you type citizens advice bureau into google and put the area that you live your local citizens advice bureau will come up .
See from both these places how you stand with the situation of the house first. Also ask the citizens advice bureau if they know of any charities or organisations that can help you pack things up and sort things out if it happens that you have to move.explain to them that it is all to much for you and you could do with some help .they may know of charities and places that will come and help you.
I know how you feel about fighting and not grieving I’ve been fighting the council for the passed 19 months and my dad only passed away few months before that and instead of being able to grieve in peace I had to deal with these awkward people and are still doing.
Your brothers ,sisters and so called friends if they treat you like that just don’t waste your energy or time and thoughts on them .you have enough to deal with. My sister said not nice things to me when my dad passed she’s been like it all my life. I just said one thing to her stop lying that was it.it hurts how she has treated me. But I don’t let it bother me anymore and you need to do the same. Ask the citizens advice bureau about groups in your area where you can meet people and get to know them. Or hobby groups you could join to. Make new friends and join places to. Your mum and dad you will always have your memories .i don’t know if this would be an idea that would help you. In memory of my mum and dad I am making a memory corner in the corner of my patio ,and I have made a flower bed filled with miniature roses bushes to. So I can look at them and think of them both.
Also cruse bereavement services have a helpline run by volunteers. If you look up on there website on the internet you will find the phone number and the times and days the are there. You could ring them and speak to them that could help.
I hope some of this helps you ,take care .
We can help you, but right now you have to stick very clearly to your immediate priority, getting into your new home. (I found my husband dead in bed when I was 54, so I do know what you are going through). The next year will be very uncomfortable, but one day you realise you are through the worst and there is so much to live for.
Its just hurting me so much. Already got intouch with every councillors and mp I could find but its like they cant be bothered. GP and my neurologist wrote letters about how bad I am but its like people at wigan council have heart of stone it means nothing just goes over there heads.
@AlisonNoMates you have spoke to every counsellor and mp and it’s like they cannot be bothered. Right well then ring your local citizens advice bureau and see what they have to say you type that into google and the area where you live and then ring them and speak to them and see where you stand they know lots of things and have lots of information. ask them what I wrote and then ask them charities and places to help etc all what I have wrote in my message. I know it hurting you so much. But ring the citizens advice bureau see where you stand then if you have to move ask them for names of charities or places in your area if they know of any to help you pack and sort things out. Then when you are sorted ask them for groups in your area where you can meet people or hobby groups.everything I’ve wrote in my message and the things bowlingbun has wrote to. You need to prioritise what is important first.
Yes, I know all about the hurt but if you don’t want to end up homeless you simply MUST start moving into the new bungalow. I’m not usually this bossy but there is too much at stake here. As you are on UC I’m sure there is a moving allowance. Has anyone mentioned this? Have you been to look at the bungalow yet?
I have been told there doing work on it, they said I can only look at it when work is finished.
Well that’s good, it gives you some breathing space. Please don’t waste it.
Have you been given a floor plan? This would help you work out what to take with you.
Once you know that, you can think about what you don’t want that you might be able to sell, to make some money. Is there a local shop where you can advertise? I used Gumtree to sell lots of mum’s furniture. Or maybe a homeless person’s charity that knew people in need? Consider offering stuff for free in return for a hand to take something to the tip?
There is definitely an allowance for moving, if you go to a site called “Find my move” there is lots of information about benefits when you are thinking of moving home.
Some of my suggestions may not be appropriate, I’ve always lived in the New Forest so they are based on what is available here.
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It must be difficult starting a fresh when a large part of your identity has been to be the carer of your parents life. It’s like finding your whole identity again and that can be hard to pin down. Being a carer is very isolating, but know now you are in a place to make friends. Would you consider changing your name? I worry that you are setting yourself up to insult yourself everytime you log in. AlisonNoEnemys sounds better. You maybe you can tell us a bit about your hobbies and decide from there. What music, books,tv art/crafts/sports are you into? I’m quite crafty so the idea of having my own space to craft until my hearts content with a jungle of plants in my own garden would be the dream. What would be you ideal space?
Well name is right i have no friends if im being honest and that isnt me just feeling sorry for myself its true I mean i know times have changed and its not like ut use to be where if a person was introuble neighbours and friends would rally round no, the death of my father on November proved that i didnt go out of house for 3 days and not one of neighbours came to check if I was ok no family either all they were bothered about was if dad jad left them anything in his will. Im only being honest and it shows look at number of suicides there have been over last couple of years of people being found in own home and theyve been there for mths and no one bothered. Thats only same for me i have tried in passed asking for help which isnt easy to start with to admit you need help but I did and where has it got me either being told no we can’t help you, or being ignored completely. It seems the only genuine people in my life are no longer here. Drug takers round here have more friends than what i do. And has hobbies go well i use to enjoy crafting i was decorating tumblers and printing onto canvas bags but since dad died ive just lost all interest the only reason I get out of bed is because of dog downstairs. When your little and people ask what u going to be when you get older most say about good job marriage kids etc and yes I did say that but look where I am 46yrs old, no family, no friends, all alone. People keep saying about joining clubs etc but where i live there isnt things like that they dont do stuff like that round here. But I will say if im expected to live like this feeling like this for the rest of my days no way is that going to happen
Hopefully we can change that, everyone deserves friends. I know how jarring it is to see people so greedy after someone dies. I understand what you mean about the rates of people being found alone years later, I have that exact same fear. I worry about being homeless all the time and I have to ensure I pay certain utilities to secure a home after mum passes. I feel like I am in a trap. The only release I ever had was starting a youtube channel. It is only small but at one time I was really proud of it and you can connect with all types of people. It’s a great way to get ready to meet friends, as it can be difficult to socalise after being alone for so long. Have you heard of the martin gallier project? I did some courses with them and it was really helpful in gaining skills to meet friends. You don’t have to talk about private things or talk at all but you do get to speak to others if you are up for it and it’s all online. Most therapy is online or over the phone. I know the IAPT service for mental health is self refferal, you go through loads of courses for cbt, first is a few weeks, then if you need further support they get in touch with you a few weeks/months later to do intense cbt. They tackle all sorts from negative thoughts, anxiety to skin picking and sleep issues, all sorts really. This is the first stage in my experience before getting access to counselling. It’s there way of giving you tools to deal with that. Be careful not to push back on them too much, give everything they say a shot, from drinking less tea to using the 54321 method when in mental health distress. I found positive affirmations and sleep meditation really helpful and there are lots on youtube, just find a voice you like and try it for a few weeks. Be aware though, cbt therapy involves lots of appointments, forms and paperwork.
I just found this in your area, I am unsure if this applies to you but worth a shot https://www.groundwork.org.uk/clm/roots-to-wellbeing/
We can help with the “where do I go from here” question but currently you have to focus on getting ready for your move. Did you look at the website I mentioned about moving grants, for example? You have to help yourself through this, forget about everyone else and be very “selfish”.
I know that a bungalow would be better and cheaper I am not disagreeing. What i am upset about and what im trying to get across to people is I NEED HELP PACKING UP TO MOVE. I tried myself the other day and I only did 30mins and I ended up having a fit so I had to stop that is what i am upset about, i have explained to so called friends and not one has said they would help me its like saying about charity shops yes they will take donations BUT they wont come to help and pack them will they that is what i am having trouble with.
offer it out free on facebook, get people to come and collect it. Start with the bigger things. I may have this wrong but I am sure you said they would dispose of anything left behind. If that is true you don’t even need to worry about that aspect. It’s just the moving of stuff now. Does your housing association have a disability support worker or benefits worker/have you tried for a needs assesment?. Sometimes the secret to unlocking what you need is knowing what to ask.
@AlisonNoMates i said to you to ring your local citizens advice bureau and ask them if they knew any charities or organisations that will help you to pack up your things and help you to move. If your friends were going to help you they would have offered and they have not done. That is up to them not nice but there choice.So instead of thinking about that ring your local citizens advice bureau . Then when you have moved and sorted your new place out ring them again and ask them about any groups in your area where you could go and make new friends and meet people, ask them if there are any groups of hobbies or classes. Don’t just say there is nothing where you live they may know of places you have never heard of.they have a wealth of information on lots of different things.