@LisaP….hi, so sorry for not replying earlier, I’ve just seen your message. I’m so sorry to hear this sad news and am sending lots of hugs
“Weep not for me though I am gone into that gentle night.
Grieve if you will, but not for long upon my soul’s sweet flight.
I am at peace, my soul is at rest, and there is no need for tears.
For with your love I was so blessed for all those many years.
There is no pain; I suffer not, the fear now all is gone.
Put now these things out of your thoughts, in your memory I live on.
Remember not my fight for breath Remember not the strife.
Please do not dwell upon my death, but celebrate my life.”
Copyright 1992 Constance Jenkins,
So very sorry to hear this sad news … I just saw your message. So sorry.
I am so sorry to hear this, sending cyber hugs of support to you
Hi Lisa.
Just thought I would check in to ask how you are coping and to remind you that we are all still here and thinking about you. If you need to chat then let us know. Just want to shout and scream - we are here and will not take offence.
Just know that you have people ‘rooting for you’ as you grieve and go through this horrible time.
It’s just hard.
Today is the first day I’ve been left alone.
The service is arranged for 8th August. Kat was a very uncomplicated person. So it’s going to be a very simple service.
SIL is trying to tell me how the service should be. She is planning on coming back with her husband for the service. I’m trying to figure out how to say I don’t want them staying at the house this time.
With the house empty it feels like Kat is just at the hospital because that’s how my life has been for the last couple months.
I just know I miss her so much already.
Hi
Being left alone can be a good thing or a bad thing. It gives you time for YOU rather than having people ‘fussing around’ or just ‘getting in your way’. Take the time you need and do what feels right for you. You talked everything through with Kat so you know it will be what SHE wanted and it doesn’t have to be what someone else think is appropriate.
As far as S-i-L is concerned, it is very simple. Just say ‘I’m sorry that I can’t put you up when you come back over, would you like me to suggest some hotels you can consider?’ No messing- just be direct with them. If she doesn’t like it… erm…tough!
As I have said, she is ALWAYS with you as long as you have her in your heart. THAT is all that matters as you work out how to rebuild your life. Focus on the happy times; the holidays; the silliness you shared and she will wrap you in her warm arms. You had so little time to come to terms but also she/you were lucky she didn’t have a long time of suffering. From everything you have said, you did all you could to help her and make her happy.
I will be travelling to Sussex on 8th August for my Uncle’s funeral next day, so I will keep you in my thoughts on my journey and offer you all the love in the world.
Graham has just asked me to make sure you know he is thinking of you both as well. Your cyber-family extends a long way!
Stay strong, but when you need to let go and the emotion comes out - don’t worry about it, just do what is right for you.
@LisaP….sending big hugs
@LisaP Hugs from me too - hope you can get comfort from Milo.
Thank you Chris for the suggestion of not being able to put anyone up - I sent a blanket email to SIL and Kat’s cousins in Australia, with details of the service and mentioned that I am unable to accomodate anyone as I have before.
You are right - there was so little time from diagnosis to now. I dont think it has really hit me yet.
Thank you for all of your messages. I appreciate you all.
Well done. Now they know the situation and have time to plan FOR THEMSELVES. It was brave to write that but you need to protect yourself. From the attitude she had when she first came over it’s clear she would not be sympathetic to you and that is the last thing you need now or at the Celebration of Kat’s life.
As Graham often says to me - “be kind to yourself”. It drives me mad when he says that but I understand the message behind it. You need time to come to terms with the situation and to grieve. Don’t forget to speak with your doctor if you need some help or can’t sleep - any GP should be experienced in helping people in your position.
Pleased to read that you’ve found the comments on here of help. We’ll all be here for you whenever you need us.
In my thoughts.
C
@LisaP Sending big hugs and ‘Good for you’ vibes…blanket emails have been blessed boundaries for us, I asked everyone to email rather than calling the landline …so I only read those when I could
Even well intentioned folks with big empathy forget how exhausting all this can be.
Thinking of you.
We’re all with you BIG hugs
Hi Lisa.
Just a quick check in to see how things are going? Are you getting any local help and support?
Chris
x
I don’t know. Things are so hard. I went to the funeral home this morning to see Kat. It wasn’t real until that point.
It’s been a very stressful day today.
SIL has written something to say at the funeral. She’s written an account of Kats life but has completely missed out our relationship and our marriage. I’m not sure why. Homophobia is my guess.
My cousin says her whole family are coming to the funeral 9 month old baby an all.
So much feels like my feeling are being just overridden.
I said to my son the way things are I won’t go. I’ll remember Kat in my own way.
I’m back at work today and it all just feels overwhelming.
Lisa I feel for you so much. I am not sure how i would feel if I lost Graham.
Might I suggest you check out this link from Cruse who are the biggest Bereavement Charity in the UK. They have phone or Social Media links and can provide practical suggestions as well as an ear.
or
I am going to suggest also that your cousin is thinking of providing support even though she hasn’t voiced it. She may think that having lots of family around you will help. Mind you my cousin’s husband is taking their 18 month old for a walk during the funeral next week so there is no ‘disturbance’…
If S-i-L is “ignoring” your part in Kat’s life (and hers in your life) is there a friend who could stand up and read out something which DOES focus on your love for one another. If S-i-L doesn’t like it then… Alternatively, you can always say ‘sorry there won’t be time for you to read that…’ YOU decide what happens at YOU WIFE’S funeral - no-one else. You and Kat discussed what SHE wanted and THAT is all that matters. Don’t be afraid to put down your foot with a firm hand. You probably won’t have to deal with her after 8th - so what does it matter if her nose is out of joint?
@lisap….sending you a big hug.
@LisaP
My thoughts are with you
When my husband’s funeral was arranged, I knew I wouldn’t be able to standing front of everyone to do my eulogy. I wrote out what I wanted said on my behalf. The celebrant read it
Started with … before I lost you to the dreadful illness I had a happy life with you. We met at …inn and went on to say and how he loved our family. Then on to say how he loved holidays and added certain humour. I heard the congregation sniffling and laughing. Someone said they found out such a lot about us. This is a suggestion of how you can handle the situation. After all saying goodbye to Kat is about how you loved each other.
The baby, surely if he/she starts to cry someone would discreetly go outside. At hubby’s 2 very young children went to the get together afterwards not the actual service. Mother’s arranged it out of courtesy
I didn’t want to go to my husband’s funeral either, didn’t want to follow the coffin on the way to the crem, but I did in the end. You and your son are chief mourners. Everyone going is there to say their goodbyes to Kat, and to support you. I told the funeral director to tell me what to do, where to stand etc. My husbands’s oldest friend gave a Eulogy, that was all. I’ve done lots of public speaking, but this wasn’t the time. Let SIL say what she wants, it’s not the time to fall out, take comfort from the fact that it’s the last time you ever have to tolerate her! It will all pass in a blur anyhow. My top tip would be to put a bottle of water in the funeral director’s car. Crying makes me thirsty and having a drink helped me compose myself on the way to the wake.
I am going to be speaking. It’s something I want to do.
I’ve picked out something from one of Kat’s favourite books and I will say some things about our life. My son Adam is going to read a poem and I’ve picked out music.
SIL can say what she wants. That wasn’t what upset me. It was the total disregard to our life together that has upset me.
It’s very rude for SIL to ignore your situation, but everyone present will be there to support you and pay their respects to Kat.