Hi everyone. I am new to the group and new to thinking of myself as a carer. My husband would hate the label, but I think I need it to be able to look after myself. My husband has been physically and mentally unwell for several years now. It started out with severe anxiety and depression caused by years of failing to meet his own (and his parents’…) expectations. He partially coped with that through intense exercise. However, when we moved to the UK, I also had mental health problems that meant we couldn’t do all of the athletic pursuits and outlets that we used to. Since then I’ve got better, but he’s gotten much worse. He had an undiagnosed bone infection for several years, in intense pain every day but unable to get help without a diagnosis. Finally it was identified and treated, but the lack of physical activity has now caused an old back injury to flare up. He’s in constant pain and severely depressed because he feels that he is useless and has lost his identity. The trouble is, listening to him complaining constantly and not being able to pursue my own hobbies and social life is making me lose my identity as well. I feel like I have nobody I can share this with, so I am venting here in the hope that somebody hears me and understands.
Hi. I hear you. That’s a tough situation. I relate as I have only recently begun to think of myself as a carer for my husband. He is 62 (I’m 61) and exercise has been his lifelong passion. He retired early in 2021 hoping to work up to running ultra long marathons, but instead developed Parkinson’s disease six months after stopping work, and now often struggles to walk even around the house. It’s been very hard for him to deal with. It’s also been a huge adjustment for me.
I’m sure others on the forum will have good practical advice for you. I’m still half asleep so can only offer: I hear you. I hope you find this forum helpful.
I think everyone here understands so well! I’ve cared in various ways for 10 relatives. I was suddenly widowed when I was 54. We had done everything together for years, running a business from home, so all of a sudden my life changed forever. I had no group of work colleagues or local girl friends to fall back on because everything revolved around my husband and his hobbies/business. Try to set aside a corner of your week for yourself, t o swim, go to WI, an evening course, something just for you.
Hi @Whale welcome to the forum.
Many of us are in similar situations where our caree’s don’t want to admit their situations and also the feeling that you are losing your identity as you try and navigate life as a carer.
You say you were both very physically active prior to moving to the uk but that your husband had an undiagnosed bone infection that has now been treated. Is that still causing pain or is it just down to the back injury and inactivity? Inactivity will be making pain and stiffness worse. Would he be willing to try something like swimming? Something like that could possibly be prescribed bt the GP aa well.
I totally understand the difficulties of the anxiety and depression as my partner suffers in a similar way. Its difficult and sometimes painful to deal with as he can lash out at me as a ‘safe’ person. There are often times where i want to go somewhere and he insists on coming with me which changes the whole experience for the worse and means i dont end up doing the things i want
I would try and carve out a little time for things you want to do. Starting small and building up from there. You have to try and push husband to do little things for himself and its incredibly challenging
Many of us understand here can offer words of advice and things that have worked for us