Hello
I’m not sure I am in the correct place but hopefully I’ve got it right.
I’m a 62 year old lady. I took early retirement in 2024 to become full-time carer for my 81 year old husband.
He has a stroke 2018, 2 heart attacks 2024 where he needed triple hear by pass surgery. Due to his lack of mobility the surgeons decided not to operate, diagnosed stage 3 CKD 2025, chronic back pain from 3 discs being removed 1980s, has significant hip bursitis and chronic leg and foot pain being unsteady on his feet therefore not very mobile. He has just been diagnosed on xray as having “foreign body” in his femur. Now waiting to see orthopaedic surgeon for more tests to find out what it is.
He has recently started to get a little forgetful and distant. He has started to prefer sitting in his chair watching TV to going out, even just for a drive. He will happily go to church on Sunday and church coffee mornings on Tuesdays but that’s it.
I know it’s selfish but to be honest I’m finding it incredibly hard now. Since I retired he has got worse physically and mentally. I no longer have that outlet of work/colleagues. I have no friends. I have tried counselling and CBT but it really wasn’t for me.
I know I should be coping better than this. I feel my life is wasting away. I feel awful just writing that, let alone saying it out loud. I would never let my husband know how I’m feeling. It’s not his fault and he doesn’t deserve me moaning at him. I have had carers assessment and review and claim carers allowance.
I have joined her hoping you lovely people can please share some ideas/tips on how I can care for him better and keep my sadness inside so he doesn’t feel guilty.
Thankyou so much
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Welcome to the forum. I think most carers have similar feelings. I’m now 74, cared for a total of ten family members in different ways, now only my son with learning difficulties. I always hoped that by my age I’d have a few good years to enjoy myself, sew, have time to go out and socialise more. Reality is very different, I was widowed when I was 54. I have chronic arthritis, swollen fingers making sewing, my last hobby, very difficult. My pretty garden is flattened, the cottage I lovingly restored in looking shabby as I can’t clean it properly. Now I’ve damaged a tendon in my ankle and so long walks are out of the question.
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Hi @Freoli24 welcome to the forum.
Your husband has a lot going on healthwise and of course that naturally impacts on you.
In addition you are at different age stages, something @Alison_1970 can identify with.
I think its important for you to build some social time into your week do you are out the house and meeting other people. Could be a group/class/ meeting old colleagues and friends etc.
Social prescribing (via GP) could be helpful too.
Carers UK offer online meet ups that you may be interested in too:
We chat about day to day stuff on Roll Call and start threads to talk about the more difficult sides of caring.
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Hello and welcome from me.
My husband is 87 and I am 64. I have been caring since 2013 when he had an acute on chronic brain heamatoma. Your husband is very lucky to have you in his life as I doubt a partner a similar age could do what you will be expected to do.
I can only echo Melly with regard to Roll Call. I would also say DO NOT feel guilty. If you can leave him for short periods is it worth seeing if any social groups in your area? I chair a Book Club but have to take him with me which is becoming an ‘experience’. Also do you have a local ‘Support for Carers’? If so then it may be worth making contact?
Please do not hate me but it is likely to get worse before it gets better and the more outlets and support you work on putting into place now the easier it may become. Do not ‘rule out’ having Carers in.
Can only send cyber hugs.
Could you maybe look at doing some vol work? Chance to get out and be with others even if only for a couple of hours a week? Let us know how things go and Roll Call is a great place as we share the ups and downs of caring and there is truly no judgement.
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You talk about caring for him “better”.
He knew when he married you that you would always be a lot older than you. If he had a wife the same age as him, she too would be getting “doddery” by now, so he’s already very lucky.
One day, he will die before you - so it’s really important that you have a friendship circle after he dies.
I was widowed suddenly when I was just 54, he was 58. We worked together, ran a business together, loved being together. Being alone was a huge shock. Even worse, I then had 30 tons of vintage lorry spares to sell. I lived off them until I retired. Long story. You need to be “allowed” to go out several times a week alone to look after yourself, which is surely in his best interests?
It’s natural for him to be happy just sat in a chair, but that doesn’t mean you have to. I still have caring responsibilities, but for 2 weeks every September I go on holiday to Crete, staying in a hotel just for single travellers, definitely not a dating hotel!!! Originally mum paid for my holidays, she could see how much better I was when I got home again. When did you last have a complete break?
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