Looking for Advice, Support and Others in similar situation

All about caring
1

Hello everyone,

I’m hoping to connect with other carers who may have experienced something similar to my situation and may be able to offer advice, support or simply share their experiences.

I am currently 27 and live at home with my parents. My mum and I both work full time and help care for my dad who has advanced MS. My mum is due to go in for surgery tomorrow. I am currently struggling with my anxiety and have been having therapy to try and cope. I find it overwhelming given my responsibilities at home and hold down a good job. My mum has organised carers for the first 5 mornings post her op but this is unlikely to continue due to the financial implication. They also do not qualify for any financial support and they are very reluctant for social care to get involved.

I have looked locally to Leicestershire for support for younger people like me however they are mainly coffee mornings when I am at work for older carers or befriending services for the person I care for. I feel like I need some support for me but not sure where to go or what to do given my age. It would be lovely to connect with people a similar age or any advice or suggestions anyone has.

Thank you for taking the time to read and any words of encouragement or advice would be so greatly appreciated

Best wishes

S

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Your mum is entitled to 6 weeks post op free care, arranged by the hospital, provided by Social Services. Can I ask what surgery she has had (I’ve had a lot of surgery so understand the post op period). Your mum has no right to expect you to provide care because she doesn’t want Social Services involved. That is not fair on you. (My mum did that to me too, I so regret allowing her to do this). Has mum every had an Needs Assessment, and you, a Carers Assessment? Both should be done before she is discharged. Is your mum claiming Personal Independence Payment (PIP).

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Thank you so much for your message. I had no idea about the free carers post op! She has had a hammer toe and bunion corrected on the same foot. She is able to potter and manage her personal care quite well but it does put more pressure on me in terms of cooking, cleaning etc. We are having to pay for private carers for dad while mum is out of action which is not affordable long term. I did look into a carers assessment for myself before mums op but it could not be done without dad being informed as the person we care for. He is so reluctant for social care to be involved and I fear if I do it will trigger a bigger issue. I have also told mum she should have a carers assessment and keep trying to empower her and encourage her to get support for her to but she has not taken it further. It’s so frustrating as we need the help and I would love some support but my parents are so against it and uncooperative and are determined to manage and keep telling everyone we are fine. I feel like I suggest lots of things but it’s like the saying ‘you can take a horse to water but can’t make it drink.’ I think it just adds a lot to my own anxiety. Thank you so much for your help.

1 Like
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@Steph1 welcome to the forum. Can I ask when your mum came out of hospital ,the free care is called enablement and it is for up to 6 weeks from leaving hospital. But your mum could have said she didn’t want any and was fine I don’t know.Also regarding care you could look on the Age.uk website they would probably have information you could read about homecare.i don’t know how much private carers are where you live if they charge different prices for different parts of the country if your parents wont have anything to do with the council. You could have a look on the age uk website someone once told me that age.uk have carers and they can be cheaper but i don’t know i just thought i would mention it.Have you typed into Google support groups for carers in your area and see if anything comes up.have a nice day take care.

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At one stage we were caring for all four parents. “We can manage” was a phrase often used, I’m sure it’s a hangover from the war years. What it really means is we are too proud to admit we need help. If we get our daughter to do it, we can ignore our frailty.

As a result of doing too much caring for too long, my husband died suddenly at the age of 58, soon after his dad and I developed a major health issue needing major surgery which changed my life forever.

You have mentioned finances a number of times. What is wrong with dad?
Are either of them claiming disability benefits? These are NOT MEANS TESTED. Tell them that they have been paying National Insurance for years, and this is pay back time.

The council are wrong to say that you can’t have a Carers Assessment unless they tell dad. Frankly, that’s rubbish. Have you got that in writing? If so, make a formal complaint to the council via their main website. It looks at what YOU need to support YOU in your caring role.

When did you last have a holiday? Not a joke, a serious question.

Have your parents given you Power of Attorney.
Do you have any idea where there money is, pension details etc?

If not, it’s a good idea to suggest gently that they bring everything together in one place. I once had to sort out paperwork for someone had not done any filing for 10 years!!

If your parents have under about £46,000 in savings between them, the council will pay for some or all of their care. Assessments can be done jointly or individually. I’ll explain more, later, if needed.

Remind yourself regularly that you are daughter, not slave. Cleaning and bed making etc. can be done by anyone.