Just need to talk tonight

All about caring
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Sorry if anyone’s eating or stomach is easy turned

Just needed to talk. Nobody i can really talk to tonight in real life. Was going to text my aunt but thought, theres no point, she just say ‘Aw its a pity of your mum’ or 'she can’t help it, its her health '. So whats the point

Mum was getting ready for bed. She was already in a bad mood this evening. She asked me for help with her pads. She wears different ones at night. She wears tens pull up pants and 2 night pads inside it usually. She was on the toilet and took off a pad that she’d on this evening and was saying about re-using it. I saw it was a bit dirty looking so i told her. She lost her temper and threw the dirty pad at me. It hit my clothes. She’d been trying to keep that pad on, saying it be ok to wear because will only get dribbled. I didn’t want her to keep it on dirty in case she’d catch an infection from it. So when i didn’t just give in and let her wear it dirty, she threw it at me and shouted at me.

She tried denying it later on. Asked me why she would do that. Said she just gave it to me because i wanted it. Theres a big difference between throwing something and handing it to someone. She went on and on loads of stuff, and i was crying. She wanted me to say she didn’t do it. But i wouldn’t, because i was there and i know what happened. Why should i lie and make out nothing happened just to keep her happy

She knows I’m scared of germs. I always wear plastic gloves to touch certain things that might be dirty. I threw my top and trousers away because even a wash wouldn’t take those germs away

She threw things before when she was in a bad mood. Even decades ago when her health was fine

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She called me a minute ago. I went to see what was wrong. She was back up out of bed, climbing the stairs. She’s been told by the Occupational Therapist, physio etc not to use the stairs in case she falls. But of course she won’t listen

Says wanted to tell me what happened tonight. Says she wrapped the pad up in the little plastic wrapper they come in and handed to me to put in the bin because she knew i was wearing plastic gloves so would be ok to touch it :roll_eyes:

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Hey @Shelly1 sorry to hear about the way your mum is. If someone not online talk to the samaritian, I do regularly and it does help. I clash with my mum all the time and know where you are coming from. Does she have social worker visiting or District nurses? If so tell them or speak to your GP, you need a break from her. I know mums can be bully’s on times but do you best to stand up to her, even if it upset you, as it will show her that you can’t be pushed around. If no one takes no notice then refuse to look after her then they should do something. Check in on the roll call sometimes, we have a laugh and blow off some steam. Stay in touch.

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So sorry to read this @Shelly1 just read your other thread about wanting to move out, it’s disgusting that she threw it at you, I believe you.

Here if you want to talk. I’ll be up for another hour or so as my daughters just fallen out of bed so I’ve put her back and now I’m wide awake

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Hi Michael,

Thanks. Yes she has a social worker and has carers who come 4 times a day.

The nurse at my GP surgery knows a bit of whats been going on. And about my relative. And how that relative makes things harder, but thats another story. Basically that person expects me to be the loving dutiful daughter, and Im a terrible, selfish person if I want a bit of my own life

I wouldn’t be allowed a break from mum. If I got respite, it would mean her going into a care home temporary. Mum and my relative would kick off and I’d be the most evil selfish person in the world, according to them.

I was so fed up tonight, i felt like getting in the car and booking into a hotel for the night to get away. But goodness knows what I’d be coming home to

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Oh hope your daughter’s not too badly hurt. I’m in my room with my dogs now. They sleep in here. They’re such good company, I’d be lost without them

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Dogs are lovely aren’t they? I want one when we eventually move.

Falling out of bed is par of the course with her conditions. It’s just her, I’m so used to it now I forget it’s not normal for an 8 year old to fall out of bed.

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Hey @Shelly1, I can relate to this in similar circumstances . Mum in respite had be back and fourth every 5 mins. I have fallen out with part of my family, I stood up to them when dad was in hospital last year, OK I am still the bad guy but I was not going to let a marriage break up happen while he was In hospital and couldn’t fight back, there was no help from the social worker at the time. Some things have changed but never be afraid to speak out. You can message me if you are stuck and need extra help.

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I’ve also fallen out with family over being my daughters carer. Slightly different for me as my family think I play the system and get benefits I don’t deserve for my daughter, and they think they should be entitled to them but it’s so hard when no-one seems to support you.

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Yes hbuxton dogs really are. Mine kept me going in dark times before. And they’re good at getting you put of the house for a walk.

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Sounds tough for sure. The only time I spoke out I got a morning’s abuse down the phone and a big guilt trip. And the silent treatment. Families :roll_eyes: give me dogs any day. Tired now, long day. Going to sleep :sleeping:

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@Shelly1 I believe you, my husband is similar and tried to ‘gaslight’ me by saying things did NOT happen when I know they did. Would you consider counselling? Getting into contact with your local Support For Carers if you area has one? I think you have to totally ignore your relative and start to work on disengaging. Yes, totally easy to say but so hard to do.

I have cats so know the comfort animals can bring. They are totally my world as I bred them and at times, they have felt like my only friends in the world. I have ‘fought back’ from the abuse, and yes, Shelly this is what it is, but it is very very hard. Stay in touch and sadly your experiences of abuse from the caree is not that unusual. My husband leaves dirty pads on the radiator despite me putting nappy pads on the back of the loo. He also goes through stages where he wont change them - telling me I am only saying they are dirty to humiliate him.

I think you have EVERY right to consider moving out. The NHS are so overburdened whilst you continue to care, even if it nearly drives you to a breakdown they will let you. Why are you so against respite care? If you had a breakdown, then who would care for your mother then in between the carers coming in and out? ’

Sending cyber hugs.

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@selinakylie thanks, yes I’ve had a lot of that over the years from mum. I’ve had bits of counselling on and off . The 1st time was through a charity. Id been struggling with believing in myself after a job where I’d been bullied. At that time my dog had passed away, I’d been getting checked for cancer but luckily that turned out to be ok, and even back then i’d no support from mum. Things were so bad at home i actually couldn’t wait for weekends to be over to get back to work. And that place was the worst place i worked.

So I went for my 1st ever counselling a few years after leaving that job. It helped so much and got my confidence back regarding jobs. My Mum did come up in the sessions although it wasn’t something I’d been thinking about at the start.

More recently, i spoke to a counsellor through the GP. Things had been difficult with mum for a long time. I’d been able to talk to my aunt before but by this time she was grieving for gran. So things changed, it was like, you only get 1 mum and mums can do no wrong.

So i felt like I was a terrible person and like a failure as a daughter, because of not having that sort of mother/daughter relationship. I started hurting myself. Nothing too serious. But I knew it was getting worse. I was scared that one day I’d go too far and hurt myself too seriously.

I planned to go to the GP but talked myself out of it.Until one day I’d to go in with an ear infection, and I made myself tell the GP. He suggested antidepressants but I said no, I asked to speak to a counsellor. I knew the depression was coming from the relationship, and didn’t want to take medication because of how I was being treated at home.

All of the support for carers in my area is on during the day. They’ve nothing at weekends/evenings.

Yes true about the NHS being overstretched. Last time mum went to hospital after a fall and head injury and uti, she was badly confused. She’d been in a+e a while and they were going to discharge her, and refer her for outpatient tests. I was so worried, I’d never seen confusion like it. She really wouldn’t have been safe without someone watching 24/7. Then another member of staff said they were keeping her in. Scary to think of, that person maybe looking to free up space and thought family can manage.

The only time i get a break is if Mum goes to hospital. She would never agree to any respite. She’d be saying that I don’t love her/hate her/ how she doesn’t get anywhere, and i get out to work. She’d cry and take weak, sit slumped on the chair and act like sleeping. And my aunt would destroy me. The abuse I got from her when I said about moving closer to work and coming home at weekends.

The nurse asked me what would happen mum if I ever had to go into hospital. I’d imagine she’d have to go into a home.

Yes i know its abuse. I wouldn’t take it from a man. I’d walk

Thank u x

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Hello Shelly
I am reading your posts and very moved by your strength.
I think your Mum has been v blessed to have your care.
I am concerned for you as you are being treated abusively.
I hope hope hope you can have some time for you.
I hope you can get away.
Stay safe if you’re not safe seek help the police can protect you from an aggressive relative.
I have had to call for protection for myself in my home from daughter with mental health problems.
Thinking of you
Warmly Ula

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Thank you Ula. Your situation sounds like it was tough. I will get away some time, but its likely to be a few years yet I’d imagine. Embarrassing to say in this day and age, but I’ll only get away if I happen to get married at some stage of my life. Otherwise I’m just expected to stay at home forever.

My relative makes excuses for Mum’s behavior, eg - its a pity of her, her health/ she can’t help it ( yes if someone had a condition where they had no control over their behaviour, maybe dementia or something like that) , but its like she can’t help it because she’s depressed or because there’s things she can’t do any more. Yes can feel sorry for someone not being well, but not in a way thats to minimise their behaviour. So i feel like I’m just expected to take it and say nothing

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Thinking of you you’re doing a great thing to stay calm. Ula

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Shelley, you are being guilt tripped into caring for mum otherwise you are a bad daughter etc etc. Do you know why? Because by undermining your self esteem you stay with mum. Their problem solved! It means they don’t have to lift a finger! In some ways you get the treatment you put up with. Don’t, any more. If mum throws a pad at you, just walk away, saying, I do NOT have to stay here to be treated like this, stop what you are doing, immediately! No one can be forced to care, not even a wife for a husband. You have already lost so much. Does mum own or rent her home?

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Hi bowling bun :blush: Yes youre 100% right.

I could’ve lived somewhere else and gone back every weekend to do Mum’s shopping/cleaning. And id have come any other time if there was an emergency. But yes, they do use guilt. Mum would be very good at the guilt trip as well, a pro. Things like turning on tears to make people give in

And the sad thing is, this other relative is someone I was always really close to before. Especially as my relationship with Mum wasn’t always easy, so this other relative, I kind of felt she more of a Mum figure to me. And like a best friend. But now I’ve kind of seen things as they really are, everything is good as long as I do what everyone wants me to.

You’re right I’d no self esteem for a long time. But that grew so much since starting my new job. Its amazing people believing in you, and supporting you as friends. Although it does highlight the other side, of family not really being as supportive as I’d like.

Mum owns her own house, with a few years of mortgage left on it. The social worker and Occupational therapist were saying to mum before about moving somewhere more suitable. Like retirement housing or social housing.

My relative nearly hit the roof when she heard this. She was saying, 'cheek of that social worker, going on there like you’re one of these ones out running with men (family is very against unmarried women living alone) :roll_eyes:

She said would need to make sure if Mum moves to retirement housing that its somewhere with 2 bedrooms. One for me :woman_facepalming:

Mum says she’d only consider a bungalow, not a flat. And retirement/social bungalows are like hens teeth round here