Having another baby

Hi everyone. I’m new here. My son is 4 and has ASD and SPD. He’s just started a specialist provision school in September and doing very well. My fiancé has taken my son on as his own and my son loves him to bits. We’re a very happy family. My fiancé would love a child of his own though. Pregnancy itself has not been easy for me. I lost my daughter when I was 21 weeks pregnant with her. A very unexpected and heartbreaking thing to happen to me. I was incredibly depressed and then found out I was pregnant with my son. Pregnancy was very difficult. I was terrified of losing him too. Then I found out I had placenta previa and started suffering very heavy bleeding. It meant that the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy I was in hospital awaiting a csection as couldn’t give birth naturally. When my boy was born he was poorly and ended up in SCBU for 5 days. My son was officially diagnosed with autism last year and it’s been tough fighting for everything he needs. He’s used to my undivided attention. He requires constant supervision. I’m scared of bringing another child into our home in case he doesn’t cope with it and obviously I’m terrified of another horrendous pregnancy with all the risks I’ve got to take into account. I’m not asking anyone to make this decision for me but I would be grateful to have some insight to others situations who have done pregnancy with an autistic child and how they coped etc. I won’t have another baby unless I think it’s right for all of us.
Does anyone have any advice? Thank you.
I should also mention I am my sons full time carer.

I have two children. My eldest was fine, my youngest, now 41, brain damaged at birth.

Wanting your own child is the most natural thing in the world, and in time not having a child might cause problems later in your relationship.

If you decide to have another child, you are going to have to change things for your existing child, and I’d suggest this happens before you have your next. Let him settle in at school, arrange regular respite, all the help you can possibly get, maybe care in the home too, so that you and your fiance can go away for Date Nights.

You are, after all, definitely going to need help at the end of pregnancy, and with a new born.
Maybe also ask your GP to refer you to an obstetrician to discuss your problem previous pregnancies, and whether another pregnancy is adviseable.

Your ages must also be a factor in this.

Hi Jennifer,
Welcome to the forum, I care for S who has autism but have don’t experience of your dilemma. A few members care for someone with autism and a couple of mums have more than one child with autism, so hopefully they will be along.

Have you tried any autism forums too? ASD friendly has moved from a forum to Facebook and the National autistic society have a forum too.


Thank you for your advice. I’m 34 and my fiancé is 32. It is something I want to do but I’m very frightened about how it will effect me physically When I have a child that fully needs me to be healthy and able to care for him. Also frightened about how it will effect him. :cry:

Jennifer, I appreciate your worries. In our family, we have always chewed things over and over until we’ve come to a decision we are all happy with.
Write all your worries down one by one, and then work through each one in turn, on a yes/no chart, shuffled into order of priority. Obviously easier on a computer!

Maybe the obstetrician should be the first place to go. If he says don’t have any more, then take his advice. On the other hand, if he says that there is no reason you will have the same problems again, then that’s a yes.

Have you thought of the advantages to your existing child?
One day, he is going to have to live without you, and we should all be preparing our children, regardless of ability for adulthood, making them as independent as possible.
One day your son will need to have someone else caring for him, so if you are his “go to” person 100% of the time, that really isn’t too helpful in the long term. If he has you, and your partner, and a new child around, then that will help his independence. So will going on respite care, or having a carer come into the home.
My son now lives in a privately rented flat, alone, with carer support. It’s immaculate, he does his own washing, and housework. Never in a million years would I have thought that possible, even when he was 16.
You will also have to work extra hard to ensure that your new child’s life isn’t dominated by older brother, that’s a bit more difficult to achieve.

The decision has to be yours. My first child, a son is fine. Good company, very bright, two degrees etc etc. When he was 2, I had stillborn twins which was a terribly sad time in my life. I then had my daughter who was premature but seemed fine but when she was about 3 we realised she wasn’t making the progress expected and she had speech problems. She went to special school, was very hard work and as an adult was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. She is still hard work. I can honestly say that I am really glad I had no more children after her because I would not have had enough time or energy to cope with them. I still feel that my son had a lot to put up with although I only ever heard him complain once when he was about 13.

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