I feel i sink deeper every day, today my caree was waving an empty glass at me insisting i fetch her a drink.
I told her to give me 5 minutes but she persisted with me eventually screaming i’m not your slave
i feel so bad but every now and then it would be nice to see the end of a program without an empty glass being swung at you/

Not sure if it helps, but my caree has a water jug (1.5 litre ) and helps herself from that during the day, (and night), I can see if it’s getting low (unusual) and top it up when I’ve got a moment.

Hello and welcome!

Have you requested a needs assessment or not?

Alan, it doesn’t have to be like this.
However, you are absolutely right, your caree does need to realise that you are not a slave, in fact you could give up caring right now and no one can force you to care ever again.
If you love and care enough about your caree to sacrifice part of your own life to look after them, then they should love and care for you enough to be polite and civil.
You should also have regular time off from caring, and an annual holiday.

Tell us a bit more about you first of all, and then your caree. Disability? Age? I’m sure we can help rebalance your relationship or find a way out.

I work and am usually out the house from 8 to 6, we have carers in while I’m out to help. But after a days works its suddenly me again. How dare I leave her alone with strangers, I try to explain Im tired and we need to pay bills. I then spend the next four hours pampering her to reassure her im not leaving her alone.

Does your caree have a physical or mental disability.
Of course working those hours you are tired and need a rest, anyone would.

My eldest son sometimes uses a phrase “never done a day’s work in his/her life”. My own mum didn’t work after she married at 18, dad was a civil servant and so ended up with a great pension.
After I was widowed, I worked incredibly hard, sometimes until 1am if I’d been doing things for mum during the day, but she really didn’t understand work, never mind working from home, at all!
Maybe your caree doesn’t understand work either???

What about a live in carer? Will she accept that or not?

A live in carer would be brilliant. but A. do i have to sleep on the sofa and B. do i have to sleep on the sofa. Then we get to C. We have no money to spare!!!

What about paid for carers in the daytime then? Will that work or not?

Alan, it is incredibly difficult for us to make any appropriate suggestions until you give us a bit more information about both your caree and your home. If Alan is your real name, then please change it so that no one can identify you, then you can speak freely.
It would help to know:-
Your relationship with your caree - partner, son, or father?
Whether you are living with your caree?
Does anyone else live there?
The nature of his/her illness?
The amount of support required?
The amount of daytime support provided?

I live in a bungalow with my MUM, who is disabled and cannot walk so is totally dependant on me and her carers.
Mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia over two years ago and her actions are getting more and more erratic.

I’m doing my best to keep normality, but Mum just wants me to stay with her all the time. She has a very expensive care package with two carers coming in fours times a day… She is very friendly with the carers .

The second I get home from work, I’m not allowed out of sight. If i take more than five minutes getting changed, Mum starts screaming for me…

Its a nightmare, work is like home for me because I dread coming home…


I’m really concerned for you, it sounds like mum really needs a round the clock team of carers, in residential care. A few quick questions, before I start painting some doors!

Can I ask what mum’s financial situation is, because you refer to a very expensive care package, but in the past have said that funds are tight?
Is mum paying for the carers, or you?
Do you have Power of Attorney?

Has mum had a formal Needs Assessment from Social Services, and a formal “financial assessment” in the last 12 months?
Is she receiving Attendance Allowance?
Has exemption from Council Tax been claimed in the grounds of “severe mental impairment”?
Do you or mum own the property where you live?
If rented, can you take over the tenancy if mum moves out?
Finally, how old are you? The answer to this is incredibly important if mum owns the property!