Concerned about my husband's mental health

My husband says that he feels angry and has suicidal thoughts, for which he is receiving support from his autism support worker. Any advice would be much appreciated.

We got married a few months ago and when I try to talk about health, housing or finances my husband is upset to the point of tears and tells me that he feels angry and has suicidal thoughts.

We’ve only really had to discuss health, housing and finances in the last few weeks as I have been suffering with anxiety, our house has proved to be not weatherproof in winter and I have run out of savings.

I gave up my employment to move close to where my husband works as he felt that his Asperger’s was a barrier to finding a new job and did not want to move. But he refuses to share finances and I’ve recently had to resort to a food bank after my savings ran out. I haven’t been able to find new jobs equivalent to full time and I’ve given up trying to talk to my husband about money because of his resulting angry feelings and suicidal thoughts.

Our house is rented and the property owner refuses to do any repairs. I’m staying with family nearby overnight for the sake of my physical health but my husband refuses to move and says that our marriage is in danger because we are apart, as well as telling me about his angry feelings and suicidal thoughts. Now I just say “I’m fine” if he asks how I am.

I’ve become ill with anxiety and depression about my finances and housing situation. I didn’t expect to be so ill, uncomfortable at home, lonely, underemployed and starving when I got married. Me being ill is another thing that triggers angry feelings and suicidal thoughts in my husband. I’m anxious about his mental health and so feel I can no longer tell myself that it’s all down to the Asperger’s and we just need to communicate differently and things will be okay.

Let’s start with the practical stuff.

If a rented property is leaking, it’s not fit for habitation. The solution is simple. Contact the Housing Officer at the Council, anlet him deal with it. They can force the landlord to make it better.

What is he hiding?? It’s no marriage if he clams up or gets annoyed. Others won’t agree, but I would do a bit of “accidentally on purpose” discovering of his bank statements etc. You have a right to know what you’ve let yourself in for. If he’s not working he can claim benefits. Burying his head in the sand is only making things worse. You must face things together.

I think you need to gently remind your husband about what was said in your marriage vows. Also you need to remind him that you gave up your job so that you could be together. Try to talk calmly to him.
His savings obviously mean a great deal to him - but he cannot expect you to survive without any income. If he does give you any money then tell him exactly what you have spent it on so that he knows you are spending it wisely.
If things don’t improve soon then see if you can talk to his support worker about the financial situation. The support worker might be able to get through to him.
Keep in touch ,
From Rhona

Contact Shelter…

Do you think he has any money. Or no money and/or depts.

It’s not something that’s ever been a problem in our house, right from the beginning everything has always been our money.

If my wife started acting like your husband, I’d serve her a chequebook or a debit card on a plate for dinner.

We always had joint accounts, if there was something left over we enjoyed discussing what we would spend it on. If funds were low, we economised together. We had a credit card when the kids were small, solely for big expenses like a new washing machine, but even then we tried to get interest free credit.

I have a sneaky suspicion that it’s not savings he’s hiding but debts! It’s so important to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible.
I’d say that if he wasn’t prepared to share this information with you, then despite all your love and care he clearly didn’t trust you. The marriage wasn’t because he loved you and didn’t want to live without you. What did the marriage mean to him? Getting a carer he didn’t have to pay???

If he won’t even share this sort of information, why are you wasting your time on him? End the marriage?