Advice on relocation

Hi, I’m new here and looking for some advice…
My dad lives alone is getting very frail and has poorly controlled diabetes and is an amputee. He has been refusing any kind of help from social services (he lives in Northern Ireland and I live in Scotland). He’s has had a few falls and although my sister is local she has said she is unable to cope any longer. I would like to bring him over to Scotland to live with me, with his consent of course! Is it as simple as just bringing him over? Would I just need to register him with GP here to get all his medications and amputee support in place? My house is suitable although would need some really minor modifications but what if he wants his own wee flat- would he be entitled to housing (he is currently a social housing tenant in NI)…

Hi Debbie

There is a lot to consider and your Dad currently need lots of assistance and his needs will increase.

I suggest you speak with Shelter on housing options which in it’s self could be along process. Dad would need a care package set up or you will end up like your sister. That can be done once in place with you. It could be done where he is now but Local authorities have different funding and it could become complicated.

This is a big commitment and you need to think long and hard on how life will change. As your sister had a needs assessment done for Dad if not that needs to happen now.

Your sister could also have a carers assessment.

Welcome. He has had a needs assessment yes?

Everything that Sunnydisposition said.

If your sister is unable to cope are you sure you will be able to cope?
Your desire to look after your father is a natural response but the reality is hard.

Bluntly put, it sounds like your father qualifies for and needs to be in a nursing care home with a full time team to care for him.

It would be better for him to stay where he is, he knows the medical teams - GP, Hospital etc, he has family and friends there, he knows the culture, places and the banter etc. To uproot him to Scotland is to take him to an alien place, how would he feel about that?

This all of it

Thank you all so much for your quick and thought-provoking responses. I have thought this through for months now. My dad is so isolated and has no quality of life at all. We had a needs assessment completed in Jan but he has refused every option. He needs assistance with meals and meds and when he is taking these on time he can largely manage all personal care. My sister is operating alone and trying to hold down a full time job so her situ is very different from mine. I work from home mostly and have my partner who is also willing to support the move. I will look at the links further for info and I know it will be harder than I imagine at present but it is got to be better than current situ.

Be aware of Dad’s and yours and your family mental health it’s not just a case of seeing to Dad’s physical needs.

In a nursing home he wouldn’t be isolated, he would have quality of life, make friends and all his physical and medical needs would be met by a team and his diabetes would be managed.

Your dad needs a team to tend to him round the clock, you cannot do this alone and hold down your job and relationship.

You would be trying to balance your work with his needs and his want for company, the demands of your relationship and running your home. Will he be isolated in Scotland as he is in Ireland? Will he be able to socialise and make friends?

Your father is frail and will deteriorate and his care needs will increase and take longer to do.

Diabetes as you know is a progressive disease and many medical issues arise including sight deterioration and loss of sight - my mothers is from age, dry macular degeneration and a little diabetes retina damage. We are hanging onto the last bit of sight in her right eye for all we are worth, she accepts the sugar ban.

When I started caring for my frail mother 7 years ago she could wash and dress and see herself to the bathroom and to bed at 2200 hrs.
Over the years her care needs have increased to high dependency needing everything done for her and each year she gets slower and everything takes much longer, she is very frail but strong as an ox.
She is chairbound now and facing being bedbound in the future.

How will you cope with the deterioration of your father and greater care needs and dependency?
It’s ok for me, I am single and gave up work, I don’t have those balancing acts and demands on me.

There have been lots of hospital appointments at times - stroke consultant, eye clinic, kidney consultant, skin cancer, pain clinic, diabetic nurse to chauffeur and chaperone her to.
We are now just down to the eye clinic, the diabetic nurse comes to us now.

Give your sister a break, have a long weekend living with your father for 4-5 days caring for him.
Don’t mention it being a trial, just giving your sister a break.
Have a taste of the reality and mull it over afterwards.

Thanks, I’m just back from a fortnight caring for him and do that as regularly as I can. He is 10yrs post lower limb amputation and his sight is virtually gone. He refuses to go into nursing home and will not change his mind. I know his stubbornness is probably the thing that has kept him fighting on so far but it’s really no longer helping him. He has fallen four times at home in past week since I came back to Scotland and yesterday morning fractured his hip and lay in pain for 5 hours before getting me on the phone (this, with his personal alarm lanyard and didn’t use it!). I phoned ambulance. He’s now in hospital awaiting surgery and fingers crossed he makes it through but I guess its all out of my hands now :pray::pray: This was my biggest fear and what I hoped I could prevent by having him at home with me… wish it could have been different.

Debbie there are somethings we can’t always fix but we do are very best. This is what you and your sister have been doing.

Think of the situation this way it’s was Dad choice/wish he was where he wanted to be.

Sending you best wishes.

So sorry to hear that Debbie.
Be prepared that the authorities could decide that your father is not safe to go home and place him into residential care and you would be hard pressed to override that.

While caring for your father were you also working and managing to do all your work with time for home relationships and chores or was it a fortnight devoted to your dad? If the latter, could you mange the former and particularly if your father goes totally blind? All of this for 24/7 all year around - what would you do for weekends and for holidays? You may have that covered but of course it is something that will be pointed out here out of care for your welfare.
Being home, caring for my mother, I understand you want to do this but it sounds like a lot of care duties and demand on your time for forever.

The implications of long term caring are huge, especially when disability and old age are involved together.
I would strongly urge against having him live with you, because then what happens if you or your husband become ill??

My husband and I were apparently both fit as fleas at 50, we had a wonderful life. My husband died suddenly from a heart attack in his sleep at the age of 58, at 54 I was diagnosed with a large tumour on my right kidney, and had major surgery with long term effects. 18 months after that, I was nearly killed, and disabled in a car accident. I hobbled around in constant pain for 5 years before having a knee replacement, followed by another two years later. I was too ill again in the middle year for surgery.

I know you are probably thinking “that would never happen to us” but we didn’t think it would happen to us either!

If dad moves to your area, he will be a fish out of water, dependent 100% on you.
No friends to visit, no familiar pubs, new doctor, new dentist etc.

His latest fall shows how fragile he is now.
Try to think what he NEEDS for the rest of his life. What he WANTS may be very different.
What he cannot do is to choose to ignore all the care he has been offered, and assume that you and your sister must care for him instead.

Too many people of this forum have bitterly regretted moving a parent in.