Agreed Melly, distraction is so important.
@Noddir
I used to say similar to my late husband. Saying the Dr has to discharge you before anything. He usually believed me. Once he looked at me as though unsure so I said I wish they would bloody hurry up! That pacified him because he felt I wanted him home. If only but it wasn’t possible. As said often on the forum NEEDS trump WANTS.
A visitor to her husband in the nursing home was advised not to visit while he settled in. She hated it but took advice and it worked for them. Obviously not for everyone though
Very difficult time for you
Panic setting in now. An ambulance has been arranged to transport Jan from hospital to care home in the morning. I said I would accompany her in the ambulance . Not sure if that is the right decision. If paramedics do the job & family are at the home to welcome her it is fait accompli. However if I am there and she resists the move then I am not sure how I will handle it. Transporting her if she is very distressed and adamant she doesn’t want to go would be very difficult. Depends what mood she is in I guess but she has said she doesn’t want to go to a home a number of times
It might be better without you. That’s why I suggested an ambulance transfer.
I think she may be more likely to kick up a fuss with you there.
@Noddir I agree with @bowlingbun . The white/kind lie is that the doctor wants her to go into the nursing home to carry on getting better. If the ambulance takes her (and you aren’t there) it will collaborate the story that the hospital say she needs to go there.
This change is going to be tough, especially in the beginning, but she is going to get the 24/7 care she needs that its impossible for one person to deliver.
Sending cyber support.
Glad I took your advice & didn’t accompany her in the ambulance. There was quite a delay. Ambulance booked for 9 am. but only got there after 3 pm. so I would have been sat in hospital with her trying to calm her down for all that time. Quite distressed coming out of the ambulance & into her room at the home. I made sure we had as much family as I could muster to welcome her but it didn’t make much difference. She did calm down fairly quickly and fell asleep which was nice.
I visited this morning but the carer in charge recommended that I didn’t go in. Said she had been a bit disturbed several times during the night and thought my presence might upset her again. Thought it might be better to give it a couple of days before visiting so she could get used to the staff & routine. Doesn’t feel right but I guess they have seen it many times before & know how best to handle it.
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Yes, it is very difficult, but the staff sound very understanding. My mum had a “key” nurse who would liase with me, and I was welcome in the nurses station before seeing mum, especially In her last month. I never knew if she was going to be bright and perky, or almost lifeless. My top tip would be to visit when you know a meal is due soon, then mum would tell me to leave as the meal was coming. It’s so difficult to know what to say at times.
@Noddir
It is a very anxious time. The staff sound as if they have your welfare at heart too which is positive. It will take time to adjust but I’m sure you will. I imagine you feel mentally exhausted. Try to take time for yourself. Won’t be easy
Inevitably you will have mood swings. Maybe read up about grieving, I can’t remember the word Pet uses for it. I’ve been awake since 5am, brain not functioning properly.
It’s called ambiguous grief.
For the loss of how things were, even though the person is still here. Sadness , guilt anger
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Tell me I’ve done the right thing! Jan’s been in the care home since Monday. Left it a couple of days to visit as advised. She’s very weak. Sometimes quite confused but other times quite lucid & aware of her surroundings. Occasionally when we visit she is ok but most of the time she just wants us to take her home. She has her phone with her and I happened to look at it today. She doesn’t have data enabled and I haven’t logged her into the home’s WiFi but I noticed about 50 messages on WhatsApp to me all begging me to get her out of there. I hadn’t received them as it needs data to send. Also got a few texts today with similar messages. I think I will probably have to block her number for my own peace of mind. It’s heart rending. I keep going back to comments from the forum that it’s not what she wants but it is what she needs. This helps but the guilt and anxiety I feel is awful.
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You have done exactly the right thing. It would be dangerous for both of you to have her at home. It will take time but she will get used to it, eventually.
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@Noddir
I had this when hubby was in the hospital. Some horrible calls when he had delirium.
I ended up taking the battery out, you could take the SIM?
He thought it was broken so I said would get it sorted. Seemed a bit liked taking his human rights away. I was on the verge of a breakdown especially as he was even calling my grandson early hours.
You have done the right thing honestly. I know it’s absolutely heartbreaking. Give it time and things will settle. Don’t go every day.
Your own well being is important. So you can visit with all your emotional strength
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You said “we” visited. Might be better to go one at a time, perhaps one Wednesday, one Sunday. Mum’s home said it was important for new residents to get to know what activities there were, to go down to the dining room not eat in their room, to help to get them to settle in. I family went in every day then the resident just waited for visits.
I’ll ask the care staff what they think. My two sons, her sister and myself have been going as much as we can this week. Usually in pairs. I would just feel like I had abandoned her if I didn’t go so often. I was always her knight in shining armour. I could fix most things but I can’t fix this. Incredibly sad.
Noddir, it is incredibly sad and we always want to fix things for our loved ones. You can’t cure her but you have chosen the most suitable nursing home you could find that can provide her with 24/7 care.
This isn’t just about her though it’s about you too. Visit her most days if you feel you need too, as she settles you can gradually reduce your visits if you are getting worn out. Tell her you miss her too but she is getting the care she needs and tell her how much you love her. Encourage her to join in with activities at the home, if she can.
Try and make your visits enjoyable for you both. Take photos to look at, or a treat for you both, or play some music you both enjoy or take her some flowers etc.
Some visits will be better than others; cherish those.
@Noddir
I understand your need to go everyday and definitely the feeling you are abandoning. I felt the same. It took me a while not to go everyday. The 1st time 1 didn’t was an even more guilt ridden day. Next day he hadn’t noticed much to my relief. Eventually I went about 5 times a week and my family went other times so he rarely went without a visitor. You can class yourself as care manager. Checking she is being cared for correctly. As Melly states, cherish the good visits because there will be many.
Hubby and myself had a good marriage for over 50 years. He was very much loved ( still is even though no longer here) and nothing can take that away.
Jan (my wife) has been in the care home 3 weeks now. Not at all settled. All she says every time we visit is take me home or get me out of here. Convinced staff were trying to murder her a couple of days ago and said someone sat on her yesterday. Considering moving her to a different home? There is a very nice, brand new one not far from us. Larger rooms, very well specced and closer for us to visit. Wondering if it will make any difference or will we get the same plea’s after the move? Problem with Parkinson’s/ Lewy body dementia is that she seems much more aware of her surroundings than the other residents. They just seem to drift around unconcernedly.
@Noddir
Sorry to read this. It took my hubby much longer than 3 weeks to settle.
I do suggest you make an appointment at the new home with a list of your concerns and requests. It can’t do any harm and as it’s closer could make a difference to your wellbeing. I’m sure the home she is currently in have tested for UTI. She could have delirium too.
That’s the problem. She has episodes of delirium but then is quite logical and ok. The delirium is why we couldn’t manage her at home any more. When she’s ok she doesn’t understand why she can’t come home. Doesn’t remember the battles we’ve had just to keep her safe.